{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Now I have to say \"Leroy can you please paint the fence?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven .\n\nI'm so sorry."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"...and being there really helped me learn about American culture. So I visited a shop and as I was leaving, the Shopkeeper said \"Have a nice day!\" But I didn't so I sued him."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, \"Where is Jesus today?\"\nBrian raises his hand and says, \"He's in Heaven.\"\n\nSusan answers, \"He's in my heart.\"\n\nLittle Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, \"He's in our bathroom!\"\n\nThe teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.\n\n\"Well,\" Little Johnny says, \"every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He got caught trying to sell the two books to a freshman."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because the p is silent."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Apparently \"Whatever's low in cholesterol\" was not the right answer."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Character actors!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You follow his fresh prints. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"... Anal Destiny."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Oh and it's also Valentines day"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I said, \"I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"cuz all they do is Tweet"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But my back was sore and I couldn't reach."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"When she woke up after 6 months and 3 days, the doctor told the mother: \"While you were in a coma, we had your brother name your children. One is a boy, one is a girl.\"\n\nThe mother, with a disappointed and angry look on her face told the doctor: \"Why my brother? That guy is an idiot. So what did he name them?\"\n\nThe mother, expecting hideous names, prepared herself.\n\n\"The girl, was named Denise.\" The mother thought, \"Hey that wasn't so bad. What about my boy?\"\n\nThe doctor said, \"Denephew\"."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"An epileptical. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Welcome to India"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A young boy says to his father \"Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.\"\n\n\"What happened?\" The father asks.\n\n\"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' \"\n\n\"Indeed, what is the difference?\" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''\n\nThe next day, the boy comes home from school \"Dad, have you gone by the school?\" He asks.\n\n\"Not yet.\"\n\n\"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.\"\n\n\"Why?\" asks the father.\n\nThe boy explains, \"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'\"\n\n\"Exactly,\" says the father. \"Alright, I'll come.\"\n\nThe next day, the boy asks his father \"Did you go to the school?\"\n\n\"No, not yet.\"\n\n\"Don't bother, I got expelled.\"\n\nSurprised, the father asks \"Why did you get expelled?\"\n\n\"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.\"\n\n\"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?\" asks the father.\n\n\"That's what I said\" replied the boy."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I dont have any, go ask your fava"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And save $300 instantly."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But I can't A4'd it."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother.\nThe lyrics are \"Oh, Nana, What's My Name?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Lesser people. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because all of his cells have built a wall."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"my neck was stiff for 4 hours"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The Ruler"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.\n\n His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.\n\nOne day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. \n\nHe bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business. \n\nHe decided to employ someone to run the shop.\n\nThe next day he set up three interviews. \n\nThe first guy was great. \n\nHe knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. \n\nAt the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\"\n\nAnd the man replied, \"Why, yes, I couldn't help noticing you have no ears.\" \n\nThe rugby player got angry and threw him out.\n\nThe second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. \n\nHe asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\"\n\nShe replied: \"Well, you have no ears.\" \n\nHe got upset again and showed her the door.\n\nThe third and last interview was with the best of the three. \n\nHe was a very young man fresh out of college. \n\nHe was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.\n\nThe rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: \"Do you notice anything different about me?\"\n\nTo his surprise the young man answered: \"Yes, you wear contact lenses.\"\n\nThe former rugby player was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?\"\n\nThe young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.\n\nShe opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.\n\nA little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.\n\nAs the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.\n\nPuzzled by her actions the man asked her, \"Is something wrong?\"\n\nTo which she replied, \"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, \"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A woman runs into a doctor's office and says \"DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!\"\n\nThe doctor replied, \"Show me.\"\n\nSo the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.\n\nShe was about to continue when the doctor said, \"That's enough, let me think this over.\" He thought for about a minute and said \"I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because interest in the Bond is so low."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Happy pocket empty day."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"...but she probably isn't available."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He has no compass and he has lost his sense of direction. \n\nSuddenly he sees a caravan on the horizon. He jumps, shouts and waves his arms to get their attention, and, oh joy, they notice him and move in his direction. \n\nBut his happiness is short lived, as the travelers turn out to be mean and sadistic. They rough him up, and then bury him in the sand with only his head above the surface.\n\nHe grimly contemplates whether he'll die of sun stroke, dehydration or from attack of some savage beast. Suddenly, a lone traveler appears in front of him and inquires about his predicament. \n\n**You see, first I got lost, without a compass and provisions. Then I encountered these sadists, who beaten me up, bury me this way and left... Can you believe such behavior?**\n\n**Tsk, tsk...** says the traveler, as he puts his foot on top of the man's head and pushes it under the surface **Amateurs, such amateurs...**"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message. \n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"All that is left after tens of snowmen were brutally melted on this spot by a massive indifferent ball of fire."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A small child asks his father:\n\nBoy: Dad, where did I come from?\n\nDad: The Stork, son.\n\nBoy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I told her she should try the kitchen"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!\" - says the first. \n\nNext day the second woman tells to the others:\n\n\"That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious.\" \n\nNext day the third woman appears with her eye blacked. \n\n\"What happened?\" - her friends wonder.\n\n\"Well, I touched my husband's balls and then asked him why his balls are warm but all other men have them cold.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Someone stepped on its mouse."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Your moms bed."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"My wife sat down on the couch  next to me as I was flipping channels.\nShe asked, 'What's on TV?'  \nI said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started....\n\nMy wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'\n\nI bought her a weighing scale. And then the fight started....\n \n\nWhen I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.\n\nSo I took her to a petrol pump. And then the fight started....\n  \nMy wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.\"\n\nI replied, \"Your eyesight is perfect.\" And then the fight started....\n  \nI asked my wife, \"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?\"\nIt warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.\n\"Somewhere I've not been in a long time.\"\n\nSo I took her to my parents' house. And then the fight started....\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He tried to make eggs.   He broke the yoke.\n\nYoke! Oh! Oh no!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"'Hello!?'\n\n'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'\n\n'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'\n\n'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'\n\n'I would but she just locked her room and went in with another man!'\n\n'What!! That's a disaster! As if this day wouldn't get worse!! All these years, all this love for this day! I can't bear this anymore'\n\n'I'm really sorry to hear that!'\n\n'Don't be sorry, it's not your fault! I need a moment to think but time is running out! Do one thing... In the drawer below the phone there's a gun!'\n\n'What!! I won't do anything stupid!!'\n\n'No.. You don't understand.. I'm very rich and powerful.. No one can touch you and I'll pay you a million!'\n\n'But...'\n\n'I'll pay you two million but you have to be quick about it, he shouldn't get away!'\n\n'Okay..'\n\n\nCecelia steps away and there are two bangs that are heard.\n\n\n'I've done it'\n\n'Excellent! Now throw the bodies in the empty pool at the back and I'll take care of them when I get back'\n\n'What pool!???'\n\n'Umm.. Is this 852236709?'"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"This post."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I'm a dog.\n\nHappy Valentine's Day!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Don't worry, we have our Trump card."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They said thank you. I said don't mention it."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But I'm laughing braces I just farted. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She said \"Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But only once"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I give you, \"The Lamb That Thyme Forgot\" "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Jose and Hose B."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"... and he said \"Fuck the Police\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Apparently using the words \"Never opened\" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute.."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Cacti are thorny\n\nI just can't help that\n\nYou make me horny"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And they are very private. Ever since they were young they wouldn't talk about sex publicly, but instead developed a code phrase: Doing a load of laundry. \n\nOne night they are out at the pub, having a couple drinks, and Seamus turns to Mary and asks \"D'ya fancy going home and doing a load of laundry?\"\n\nMary looks at Seamus and says \"you know that sounds lovely. Let's do.\"\n\nThey finish their drinks and head home together. \n\nAt home they are sitting in front of the fire, Seamus smoking his pipe and Mary with her knitting. Seamus asks \"Mary? D'ya still fancy that load of laundry?\" \n\nMary looks at Seamus and says \"aye I do, I really do. Let me just finish my knitting.\"\n\nSo Seamus gets up and heads to the bed room. \n\nMary keeps knitting and forgets all about Seamus. \n\nAfter an hour she realizes she forgot and jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. \"Seamus?\" Mary asks, \"D'ya still fancy doing a load of laundry?\"\n\nFrom under the covers Seamus replies \n\n\"Y'know, Mary, it was a small load, so I did it by hand.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's all just flake news."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A young Native American boy goes up to the chief of his tribe and asks \"Chief, how did we get our names?\"\n\nThe Chief looked at the boy and said \"Oh, that's simple. All parents in our tribe named their children after something that was occurring during their birth. For example, Snowflake was born during a great blizzard. Ember was born during a raging wildfire.\n\nWhy do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Customers who wish to purchase an item must use code-phrases to avoid the authorities' suspicion.\n\nOne night a blind man stops by the stand.\n\n\"What would you like to purchase today?\" asks the cashier.\n\n\"Oh, nothing\" the blind man says, \"I was just *looking* around!\"\n\nAn few hours later, a deaf man approaches the stand.  The cashier realizes he can't hear him, and uses sign-language to ask what he'd like to purchase.\n\n\"Well, I *heard* you guys are having a sale!\" the deaf man states with a wink and a nudge.\n\nFinally, just before that night's closing time, a muscular man with no apparent disability walks up to the stand.  The cashier asks what he'd like to purchase.\n\n\"I don't know ... I heard you guys sold *cherries*!\" the man states with a look of subtle expectation.\n\nThe cashier, despite going through his mental checklist of code-phrases, has no idea what he wants.\n\n\"I'm sorry, we've sold-out on that item.\" the cashier says with a puzzled stare.\n\n\"Ah *motherfucking* christ!\" the man screams in pseudo-frustration.  However, the cashier just stands there with an agitated face.\n\nThe customer, realizing his attempts aren't getting through to the employee, tries a different approach.\n\n\"Well, that's a darn shame!\" he continues. \n\"And I travelled across the entire *count-*\" \n\nThe man coughs.\n\n\"-ry to get here!\"\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Should have cooked it on aloha temperature "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because its full of Arab semen."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.\n\n'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' \n\nThe redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.\n\nThe doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' \n\n'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Yeah I figured you wouldn't know."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom.  The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it.\n\nA few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again.  The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man, \"What the hell is going on?\"\n\n\"Everytime I press the lever, I feel like my balls are getting crushed!\" the drunk yells.\n\n\"You drunk bastard,\" the bartender replies, \"you're sitting on the mop strainer again!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. ??"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He was also a serial killer. He liked to dig up the corpses of women and use their skin to furnish his house. After the police arrested him they discovered a whole morbid collection of objects. He had a belt made out of ears, a lampshade made from stitched together faces, they even found a labia menora. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Is one mile closer to the stone. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I do it on Christmas and Easter."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But this Guy Fawkes."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The attic"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I have a couple of ideas:\n\n1: Dinner\n2: Movies\n\n1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He made him an offer he couldn't understand. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The bartender sighs and says; \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Brazilian. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"One day it just clicked."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Must be something in the pussy they're eating"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Submarine.\n\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.\n\nSon: But dad, there's only one person."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner \"Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?\" The owner tells him that he has a machine but it is $100 a word. \"That's outrageous! I only have $100.\" The owner says to him \"Better make it good then.\" The man thinks for a few minutes and plops down the cash. \"Send her this word: Comfortable.\" The owner of the bull looks confused and asks \"How will that tell her anything?\" To which the man replies \"Well my wife can barely read, so she'll just read it reeeeeeal slow.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"   Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a\n pulse?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: Did you check for blood pressure?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: Did you check for breathing?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you\n\n          began the autopsy?\n\n      A: No.\n\n      Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?\n\n      A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.\n\n      Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?\n\n      A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.\n\nz\n\nPS. This is actual testimony from a trial...........\n\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was \"FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!\" "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.\nBlonde #2: Don't you own a vase? "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Espn2 "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.\n\nHe orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:\n\n\"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.\" If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\"\n\nTo which his wife responds: \"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And he gets to live in the White House to boot!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"Get in the car bitch......I got a gun!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He didn't. He's dead. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Is pretty ironic"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I always have heated debate about it with my friend residing in the other hemisphere."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"At first, people in California were like \"Oh, we don't have enough water!\" and now they're like \"Oh, we have too much water!\"\n___\nThey can't make up their *dam* minds.  "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The steaks could not be higher."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He excitedly sits down in his seat and his family takes their seats to his right. The game is about to start and he notices the seat next to his left is empty. He leans over to the guy a seat over and says, 'Hey man, did you buy this seat? Who would miss the super bowl!?'\n\nThe man says to him, 'Yeah, I bought it for my wife but she passed away.'\n\nThe first guy says, 'Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that... didn't you have a family member or friend that wanted the seat? I mean... It's the super bowl.'\n\nThe man says, 'Yeah, there were a few, but they're all at the funeral.'\n\n*****I know its a month late, but a co-worker just told me this and his jokes are usually terrible grandpa-level jokes, so I had to post it.*****"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"To beat the crowd."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"or 5 plus 7 are 13?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Two guys are hitchhiking down the highway.  At the same time an older couple is driving on the same road.  The man has diarrhea something fierce.  Every few miles he has his wife pull into a service station.  Finally she gets tired of this and tells him \"I'm not stopping. If you have to go that bad, hang your ass out the window and go\". \n\nSo the man does this as they're passing the hitchhikers, one of which get's the full load  on him.  \"Damned snooze chewers!!!\" he yells. \n\nBut his partner says \"Yeah, but did you see the JAWS on that sumbitch\"."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She couldn't control her Pewp Hole."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"  A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be \n  seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They \n  exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, \n  \"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. \n  It identifies that American Indians have the longest \n  average penises and Polish men have the biggest average \n  diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?\" \n  He coolly replies, \"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Crowd : D:<\n\n\nMe: Nazis. . . . .\n\n\nCrowd: *Sigh of relief*\n\n\nMe: Especially Hans   . . . . .Fuck Hans. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.\n\n\"Hey,\" he says. \"Need a lift?\"\n\nThe priest shakes his head. \"No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need.\"\n\nThe rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest.  A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him.\n\n\"Grab my hand!\" the captain yells. \"We gotta get out of here!\"\n\n\"No!\" The priest yells. \"There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!\"\n\nReluctantly, the rescue boat rides off.\n\nAs the water continues to rise, the priest is forced to the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over to him and lowers a winch.\n\n\"Hold on!\" Shouts the winchman as he holds out his hand.\n\nBut the priest again shakes his head. \"No! The lord will save me! Go save someone else!\"\n\nFrustrated, the helicopter flies away. \n\nSadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with and he goes under.\n\nHe finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself.\n\n\"Lord,\" the priest says, \"I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!\"\n\n\"What are you talking about?\" God replies. \"I sent two boats and a fucking helicopter!!\"\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They charged one and let the other off."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Yeah, they're going to name it \"The Trannies\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Joe bought a gun. He walked right into the sporting goods store, up to the gun counter, and picked out a semi-automatic .12 gauge shotgun with a box of buckshot shells. The entire process took no more than twenty minutes. \n\nJoe left town and drove for a couple hours before exiting the highway and driving down a winding county road for another ten minutes. Joe pulled into a service station and parked his car. He sat in his vehicle, loaded five shells into his new Benelli shotgun, and chambered in a shell.\n\nJoe clicked off the safety and walked into the convenience store. There was no one in sight but the attendant behind the counter. Her name was Janice. She tried to run when she saw the shotgun but Joe shot her as she turned. She took some buckshot to the brain and died almost instantly.\n\nJoe walked behind the counter, stepping carefully over Janice, picked up the phone, and dialed 911. \"I've killed a lady. I'm robbing the store,\" Joe told the 911 operator. He then emptied the cash register, walked out to his vehicle, and drove away. \n\nA short ways down the road, Joe came upon another service station. He pulled in and exited his vehicle. The owner of the service station was a capable man named Bill. Bill saw the look in Joe's eyes when Joe approached the door of the service station, and he saw the gun in his hand. Bill was ready with his own shotgun by the time Joe raised his, and Bill pumped a slug into Joe's abdomen.\n\nBill immediately called for an ambulance and approached Joe with compassion. \"Let me help you, son.\"\n\nAs Bill tended to Joe's wounds as best as he could, it became clear that Joe might not survive. Bill asked him, \"Why did you do it, son? Why did you bring that damn gun into my store? I had to shoot you. What, were you going to rob me? Why?\"\n\nAs the light of life flickered in Joe's eyes, with his dying breath he responded, \"Damn it all. Shamu and Moby Dick put me up to it. They are waiting outside for me right now. I'm gonna go get them. Be right back, mister.\"\n\nAnd with that, Joe died. Bill would go on to give a full account of Joe's actions and his last words to the police and to the press. Then, the following morning, the Sunday paper headline read,\n\n\"The Outlaw Joe Sees Whales\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He woke me up late last night and asked if I could write a few gags for his set in a couple of days, because his mom just died and he was busy with her funeral. I agreed to help him out and asked if he had a topic in mind. \n\nHe said, sorry, I'm too upset to be thinking about chocolate right now.\n\nLooks like I'm going to need help."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"To get to the udder side."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Nice Tits."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said \"ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill.\" To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measure out of his toolbox. First he measured the width of the grill then his wife's bottom. \"Yep, just as thought. It really is as big as the grill.\" The wife got offended and stormed back into the house.\n\nLater that night, laying in bed, the husband started feeling frisky. He put his arm around hia wife and said \"hey honey, what do ya say we fool around a little bit?\". The wife turned to face him and said \"Now why would I fire up this big ol' grill for one little weenie?\". \n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Apparently it was more pussy than he could handle."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I wish I could post it on different sub"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"alt-zheimers"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him. \n\nThe man asks: \"Doc, does it look serious?\"\n\nThe doctor replies: \"Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They used a cumin shield."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.\n\nThe moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily.\n\nThe TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.\n\nOne day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?\n\nThe Devil replies, \"Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer.\"\n\n\"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute.\"\n\nThe Devil responds, \"No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy.\"\n\nGod demands, \"If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!\"\n\nThe Devil laughs. \"Where are you going to get a lawyer?\"\n\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You look for the fresh prints."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And got a candy apple."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"It's Levi-O-sARRRRRRR\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The American boasts, \"clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you wouldn't even be arrested.\"\nThe Chinese replied, \"what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump sucks!'  and you still wouldn't be arrested.\" "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I agreed and realised way later that included sex"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So I got her nothing."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Hillaryous. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Women = time o money\n\nTime is money \n\nWomen = money^2\n\nMoney is the root of all evil\n\nTherefore \n\nWomen = Evil"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"WWWAAAATTTAAAAr..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The librarian says, \"so do you live in one of those little round houses?\n\nPecan says, in a nutshell, yeah!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But now I'm just an air conditioner. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"We're having two litters."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Right now he's negotiating for a better interest rate on Daylight Savings Time."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The first one says - it's windy.\n\nSecond one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday. \n\nThird one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I sidled up to the local drug dealer on the corner ...\n\ncan I get an ounce of cocaine?\n\nlook pal, I only sell grams!\n\nfuck it, give us an ounce of grams then!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Crib death"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I'm having trouble working out all the kinks."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Stevie Wonder answering the iron"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"When he realized it just wasn't going to work out."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She chews before she swallows."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"and ended up fucking her dad... :/"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I've got genital warts soon you will too"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They start to feel some light precipitation\n\n\n\"I think it's raining\" says the man\n\n\n\"No it's snowing\" replies the woman. \n\n\"How about we ask this communist officer here?\" \"He is always right\" exclaims the man. \n\"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?\" \n\n\n\"Definitely raining\" officer Rudolph replies before walking off. \n\nThe man turns to his wife and says. \n\n\"See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She couldn't name One "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"but it's not a very good one."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A family was at the dinner table.  \nThe son asked his Father: \"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??  \nSurprised, the father answered:\"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs\"  \n\"In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm.\"  \n\"In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still nice but hanging a bit.\"  \n\"After 50, they are like Onions.\"  \nSon: \"Onions??\"  \nFather: \"Yes, you see them and they make you cry.\"  \nThis made his Wife and Daughter Mad, so the Daughter asked her Mom: \"How many kinds of Penises are there?\"  \nThe Mother smiled and said,\"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases.\"  \n\"In his 20's, his penis is like an Oak Tree, Mighty and Hard.\"  \n\"In his 30's and 40's, it is like a Birch, Flexible but Reliable.\"  \n\"After 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.\"  \nDaughter: \"Christmas Tree??\"  \nMom: \"Yes, the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis? \n\nThe first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers. \n\nDip your fingers into the holy water and you will be pure, instructs the angel. The nun dips her fingers in the water and is allowed through the big pearly gates. \n\nThe angel turns to the second nun and asks - did you touch a man's penis?\n\nBefore she could answer, the third nun blurts out - eww, I'm not drinking that water after it goes up her ass!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing?  Doc says... I'm writing a prescription.  Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer.  Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He was a seasoned Veteran"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She accidentally knocks her youngest son's jar of bb's into the brownie mix. She says \"oh it'll be alright\"\n\nSeveral hours after the brownies were done her youngest son comes to her with tears in his eyes and says \"Mommy, when I was using the restroom I was peeing and something hard came out.\" \nShe said \"Oh it was just a BB, you'll be alright.\"\n\nHalf an hour later she's cleaning and she hears sobbing coming from the bathroom, she sees her daughter and asks what's wrong. Her daughter says \"I think I have kidney stones.\" \nThe mom replies \"oh it was just a BB, you'll be alright.\"\n\nLater that night she hears her oldest son laughing and says \"Let me guess, you were peeing and a BB came out?\" \nHe says \"No I was beating off and shot the dog!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A man is served whiskey on a flight.\n\nThe flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?\n\nPriest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips\n\nThe man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And he's approached by a Jewish man who is clearly very drunk and the Jewish man says to him, \"Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I still blame YOU for Pearl Harbor.\" \n\nAnd the Chinese man says, \"What are you even talking about, that was the Japanese, I'm Chinese.\" \n\nTo which the Jewish man replies, \"Chinese, Japanese, you all are the same to me.\" And he walks away. \n\nWell this upset the Chinese man a bit so he decided to get a few drinks in him to help him calm down and maybe forget about the incident altogether. \n\nAnd so the Chinese man proceeded to drink until the wedding was over and as he was walking out he saw the Jewish man who had upset him earlier and being as inebriated as he was he decided to say something. \n\nThe Chinese man goes to Jewish man, \"Hey Buddy, I just wanted to let you know that I still blame YOU for the Titanic.\" \n\n\"The Titanic?\" Said the Jewish man, \"What are you even talking about, that was an iceberg?\" \n\nAnd the Chinese man says with a smug smile on his face, \"Goldberg, iceberg, you're all the same to me.\" "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Kick Donald Trump in the chin."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because their Great Igloos melted."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOOWUUUWAAAAAAA"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They have an affinity for bonds."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"D J Trump: Fake News!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Troglodyke!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Are you up for a little row-mance?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A female student walks down the street of a college town. She had a stressful day and is dying to smoke a cigarette, but her lighter simply won't work. Then she notices a few young women hanging out on street corner. She's shy, but eventually works up a courage to approach them. Out of nervousness she blurts out: \n\n**Dear colleagues, I was wondering if you had a light?**\n\nOne of the women produces a lighter, and the student walks away, puffing away happily. The women watch her go, and finally one remarks: \n**Puts out once, and now we're \"colleagues\"...**\n\nLet the downvotes begin... ;)"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He says it's a rigged erection "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Pardon me."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They're already over it."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"the American asks: did you come here to die\n\nthe Australian says back: no i came here yesterday "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"No\".\n\nI thought not. It's not a story the jedi would tell you."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Master race."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, \"God, I wish that I'd used a condom now.\"\nMy wife was aghast and said, \"What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?\"\n\nI said, \"No, I've got his girlfriend pregnant.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He gets a tin of paint and puts it on the counter, then pays the cashier; the cashier asked if he'd like a bag for it.\n\nHe says: \"don't you worry, it's fine in the tin\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"One day, as they are scouring the beaches for firewood, they come across an old oil lamp, washed ashore. The Swede picks it up and wipes it gently with his shirt sleeve, clearing the sand and the dirt. Out pops a spirit. The spirit says:\n\n\"I have been trapped inside that lamp for a millennium due to a magic spell. Finally I have been set free. As a token of my gratitude, I will grant you one wish each.\"\n\nThe Swede states that he is fed up with that little island and he would like to go back to Trelleborg. Poof, the Swede is gone. Next up is the Norwegian. He says: \"I agree. I want to go home too, back to Narvik.\" Poof, the Norwegian vanishes. Now only the Icelander is left. After some pondering, he makes his wish. \"It's too lonely out here all by myself. I want my friends back!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Now I just watch like nobody's dancing."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He woke up. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I'd like to offer mickydolenzes to his family.\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"Great scotch!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's not hard..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says:\n\nDonald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator.\n\nJustin: Yea, I suppose so Donald.\n\nDonald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch.\n\nJustin: That's also true Don, but I hate to break it to you, the US is a Country."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Tulips on an organ."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, \"The Cambridge Distorter,\" told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. \n\nOne of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. \n\nThe photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, \"WHAT DID HE SAY?\" \n\nHe said, \"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!\" said the other. \n\n\"Now get a little closer together,\" said the cameraman. \n\nAgain, \"WHAT DID HE SAY?\" \n\n\"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.\" So they wiggled up close to each other. \n\n\"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,\" said the photographer. \n\nYet again, \"WHAT DID HE SAY?\" \n\n\"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!\" \n\nWith a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, \"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"That's just her way of getting two more dates out of you."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"...is to not release your music in the same year as Adele."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"My parents keep telling me to get one."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The infadeles "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Piesexual!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Flashbacks"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because she can't even"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Switzerland"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"No manmade structure was designed to hold back that many liberal tears"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So people don't confuse them with feminists."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"C'mon bear!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Audi..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"American, German and Bosnian guys compete who will fart out a wine bottle cap the furthest. American goes first, eats 1 bowl of beans and farts out the cap 5 feet. German goes next, eats a cauldron full of beans and farts the cap 17 meters. Bosnian goes last, eats 1 bean and farts. They couldn't find the cap and they give up. \n\nThe next day on the news:\n\n\"An UFO size of a wine bottle cap hits and kills a Japanese civilian!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face.  My parents can be so rude sometimes."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Her students were pizzing her off."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.\n\n\"What happened?\" his friend asked.\n\n\"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated.\"\n\n\"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?\"\n\n\"Nobody told me they read right to left!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"1.) The 1st semester"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They ended up with an antoinette loss!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I couldn't understand where that came from, so I asked people. \"It's because you like both dogs and cats\" said my boyfriend. \"No, no, no. It's because she likes both tea and coffee\" said my girlfriend."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She was born a red head."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Right where you left it. \n\n\nI'm sorry. \n\n\nMy mom taught me that joke and told me that every birthday and it's my birthday today. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Just Tin"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?\n\nFarmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones?\n\nInterviewer: Brown ones.\n\nFarmer: A couple of litres per day.\n\nInterviewer: And the black ones?\n\nFarmer: A couple of litres per day.\n\nInterviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?\n\nFarmer: Which ones? Black or brown?\n\nInterviewer: Black.\n\nFarmer: It eats grass.\n\nInterviewer: And the other ones?\n\nFarmer: Grass.\n\nInterviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!\n\nFarmer: Because the black ones are mine.\n\nInterviewer: Oh, and the brown ones?\n\nFarmer: they are also mine"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Me: \"Then what happened? Did you decide not to give a fuck??\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It was a lawyer.\nEdit: The last human on Earth."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"If you can get honor.\nStay honor.\n\nBut if you can't come in her,\nCome honor.\n\nFor honor!!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He asks for a cabbage pie.\n\nBear tells him they don't have that kind of pie.\n\nIt repeats for a few days. Bear takes pity on Bunny and tells his wife, who does the baking:\n\n>Please, bake a cabbage pie for Bunny. He comes in every day asking for it.\n\nSo the next day, Bunny is there again.\n\n>Do you have a cabbage pie?\n\n&nbsp;\n\n>Yeah, we do!\n\n&nbsp;\n\n>It's just gross, right?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"All the way to boys size 12. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She tried to use politics to determine if a vector field was conservative."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He's a real Dong Wong. \n\nI'll just show myself out..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They don't want the D"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says \"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window\". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.\n\nThe second guy says, \"What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. \"No, its true,\" the first man says. \"Let me prove it to you.\" He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.\n\nHe meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. \"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.\" \"No, I'll prove it again,\" says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.\n\"Well, why not.\" the second guy says, \"It works. I'll try it.\" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.\nBack upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, \"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk\"."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Fish & Ships"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They're making headlines"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Dihydrogen monoxide now covers 70% of Earth. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Cancer!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"....dear dear old man "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I need to mark my colander. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Tits very annoying"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Or so I've been told"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Sorry, wrong bus."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,\n\n'I almost had an affair with another woman.'\n\nThe priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'\n\nThe Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'\n\nThe priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'\n\nThe Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.\n\nHe paused for a moment and then started to leave.\n\nThe priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'\n\nThe Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and\naccording to you, that's the same as putting it in!'"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Brick."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because it has a terabyte."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"*Tyrannosaurus Wrecks*"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Always remain in-touch with the community.  "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because he pitched a tent whenever he saw one..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"If it's not, you better check the connections on the back, or call a maintenance guy. Hopefully you didn't lose power. I'd make sure to get it figured out soon so your food doesn't go bad."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I wonder why Hitler haven't been invited to a Epsorts event yet. His KD ratio was 6,000,000 to 1."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Great Reposte no counterplay."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. \n\n\"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?\" \n\nThe zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer. \n\n\"Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?\" he said. \"Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion.\" \n\nTo this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to \"What's the difference between a crow and a raven?\"  "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"As he carries his heavy suitcase, a Russian woman comes up to him with a whiskey bottle in her hand and says, \"I'll jerk your dick while you chug this, deal?\"\n\nThe man, not even thinking about the situation, agrees instantly and they rush off to the restroom, find a stall, and start doing it. While being jerked, he caps of the whisky bottle and starts chugging. A moment after, he starts feeling funny and dozes off to sleep. He wakes up, unknown of the time that has passed, and looks down only to realize his pants and underwear is gone, including his suitcase.\n\nHorrified, he runs out of the restroom, his thong going everywhere and 'bout, and yells,\n\n \"Help! Help! I've been jacked!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"No, but April may."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Cancer."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A rebel without a Claus."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile \n\nGirl: you just wanna get into my pants\n\nBoy: you're intelligent as well."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Opposites attract"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Then it really grew on me."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"because I want to SmAsH"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Spitfire "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Aliens finally arrive on earth, and they're just as social as we are.  They meet with the human delegation and have a lovely chat, talking about how each species eats and sleeps and so on. \"Really! you guys put food in your face hole and throw away any leftovers. We just lay on it and absorb what we need.\" Stuff like that.  The topic turns to procreation and both delegations admit they're curious and that a demonstration would be probably be best.  The aliens go first. One hops on another's head, starts spinning and after ten minutes or so a tiny new alien falls to the ground, dusts itself off and politely asks for sustenance.  Then it's our turn.  The two volunteers come out and after a couple minutes they've finished (at least one of them has).  The aliens stand there for a moment before one leans over and shyly and asks, \"so, uh, where's the new human?\" The humans reply, \"oh, it'll be here in about 9 months.\" The alien asks \"Then what was the rush at the end for?\"  \n\n\nThe woman looks into the camera and says \"Amen!\" as the studio audience bursts into laughter and the credits roll."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Reddit  : \" I am married and i have many childs (SubReddits) \""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But he did not know about it and his family did. They were afraid that if they told him he would have a heart attack, so they chose his favourite brother Ted to tell him easily.\n\"If you won 20 million dollars, what would you do with them?\" Said Ted.\n\"I would give you half of them\" said Jeff.\n\nToday is Ted`s funeral.\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Teacher asks Johnny:\n\n\"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?\"\n\n\"An orgy?\"\n\nEdited: names spelling, grammar."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They sbread apart through mitoastis"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.\nBut the gun is like... way over there."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's funny cause it's true."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Zero."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I know, I don't get it either. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It was never fired and only dropped once."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Marriage-you-wanna?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Two race conditions walk into a bar."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Two gay men are having sex in bedroom. After a while one of them decides that he needs a break and goes to bathroom. The second one thinks he's away for too long so he goes to check him. When he finds him in bathroom, whole room is covered with semen.  He asks with anger: 'Why didn't you wait for me?!' but second one sort of surprised answers: 'Oh you mean  that? I just farted....' "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"To pee or not to pee.\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because he couldn't control his pupils."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"2.71828 ?(-1) 2.71828 ?(-1) (5-5)"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Upper management says, they caught him stealing \"dough\". "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A boo bee"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So he could win Allah the prizes."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"An ottometrist"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Happy Wallentine's Day."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Gravity"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Then the humans will suspect nothing!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Try Snickers sometimes"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's been a hard time for us."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"My wife tried to come to America, but thanks to trump chicken not get in."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Then duck on over here and get some."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Troops"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's very handy!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Or is it just because I'm Jewish?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Numbers that aren't divisible by two."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"I mean I've seen millions of these \"Free Wifi\" -signs through the years, but as far as I know, the poor bastard hasn't been freed yet!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey\n\n \"Hey, what're you doing?\"\n\nThe monkey replies, \"Smokin' a joint, come up and have some.\"\n\nSo the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.\n\nAfter a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.\n\nThe lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.\n\nA crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, \"What's the matter with you?\"\n\nThe lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.\n\nThe crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.\n\nThe crocodile yells up to the monkey and says \"Hey!\"\n\nThe monkey looks down and says, \"Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Silicone Valley"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I asked an old man, \"Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?\" . OLD MAN: \"I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"One hand on the steering wheel, the other on the road "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So much so, even their scandals are Russian."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Hay HAY Hay"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You're always going to be satisfied with the job."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I always blame the Nazis.\n\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Amy: Truth or dare?\n\nLingling: Truth.\n\nAmy: Where's Sarah's dog?\n\nLingling: Dare.\n\n\n\n**lmao this is old asf and i am in no way racist, this just made me laugh**"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I can't believe she's not better."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Mr and Mrs Sterile have no children."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They never bothered with the \"Y\". "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.\n\nThe woman standing next to him says \"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!\"\n\n\"That's OK...\" says the guy, puffing casually, \"I'm a programmer\"\n\n\"So? What's that got to do with anything?\"\n\n\"Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...\"."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He found out how a Mercedes bends."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So, I was talking to my friend the other day, and we ended up talking about our local deli.\n\n&nbsp;\n\nI asked him what his favorite sandwich was, and he told me it was the pastrami salami sandwich.\n\n&nbsp;\n\nThen I said \"I don't remember that one. What's on it exactly?\"\n\n&nbsp;\n\nHe said \"It's the one with the synthetic pork and lard sausage.\"\n\n&nbsp;\n\nI said \"No, you're thinking of the phony bologna sandwich.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"/r/Jokes"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But NaH"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, \"Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!\" A pastor hears this and asks, \"Why are you calling them \"dam fish.\" The boy responds, \"Because I caught these fish at the local dam.\" The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, \"I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.\" He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, \"That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Stay oveerrr there "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Non existent, but I hope every day.\n\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly.  "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He just couldn't see himself doing it."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Emanuel Labor"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It's a no-ball cause. \n\n(But seriously you should)"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Vinnie, my hitman, said he'd do it for me. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Every time I see someone racing their shopping cart down the parking lot I secretly hope they run into a car. Wham! "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Hillary Clinton."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It went into the kitchen and caused a stir."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It was a thanqueue."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I hope she likes her new weed eater! "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Popcorn! "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"CrazyRussianHacker."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"when they want something"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But I won't be suede"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And wow, that sure is a work out, it really....gets the blood moving"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"That shit could spell disaster"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Re-ali"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Mr. Sketch."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She sends a text message to her husband.\n\nW - \"Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight\"\n\nM - \"Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They Aaarrrrrrrrrrtificially Inseminate. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The title says it all."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"How was I supposed to know it was bad to trigger snowflakes!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. \n\nThe Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. \n\nAn angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of Minestrone soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. \n\nThe Italian thinks for a moment and stands back in fear.\n\nAn angel ushers the Jewish man into a room filled with every type of Jewish delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of chicken soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. \n\nThe Jewish guy thinks for a moment and begins stuffing his face with food. \n\nThe puzzled angel has never seen this before. No one ever dared to eat the food in fear of being thrown into the boiling soup. He asked the Jewish fellow - I don't understand, the Frenchman and Italian were too scared to eat, are you not afraid?\n\nThe Jewish guy answered - nah, I know how these Jewish events work, 5:00 is never 5:00 and the soup is never that hot. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Iceland"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So I bought her a helmet and some crayons."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"After all, work just comes and goes."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"in soviet russia, poems write you. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"that's it. that's the joke. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Scene: A conversation with my friend's father, who knows I do ?Web design.\n\nFather: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?\n\nMe: Oh, very easy.\n\nFriend: He doesn't mean to make ?a Facebook profile. He means to ?remake all of Facebook.\n\nMe: Oh. Very hard.\n\nFather: Oh, OK."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"In little Nazis!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You should have seen the look on the cashier's face"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I think she's addickted."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"People who answer their own questions."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A Spynach"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Husband : What do you want for Valentine Day ??\n\nWife :  Give me One Ring, that's enough ..\n\nHusband : From Landline or Mobile ??"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So I killed myself."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"1. Nice shirt.\n\n2. Wow. A second nice shirt.\n\n3. OK, first shirt again.\n\n4. He has two shirts."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A: A quarter pounder with cheese."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"His darkness rubbed off on him\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"*Second airhorn sound*\n\nMe: \"Well this clearly isn't deodorant.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Numerous studies say that people who celebrate more birthdays live for longer"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Suddenly he tripped and fell, spilling his contents all over the road. \n\nSensing no movement at all for quite some time, the road asked: \"Do you need some help so you can get up, cross the road and finish this joke?  What's wrong?\"\n\nThe salt replies: \"Freezing point depression.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You can't see them coming"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, \"You brought me pavement?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"At the grocery store.  I told her I would wait in the car.  What I didn't tell her was that I would move the car to the other end of the parking lot, and watch for her to come out.  \n\nSomething tells me that after 15 minutes of searching, she'll feel the same way I did in the dairy section.  Which butter is healthiest, she wondered, after reading the first 3 labels.  She's probably still reading them.  I can't wait to learn which one she'd chosen."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Some geeky kid in the 80's forced it to."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Doesn't matter you Reddit anyway."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. \n\nSometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman 'Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?' The Englishman replies 'Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.' And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says 'You have a flask but it is not filled with water?' 'Well you see' says the Irishman 'water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.' And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. 'And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?' so the Scotsman says 'Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.'\n\n\n*formatting"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold. \n\nHe quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd them under the haphazard roof. He does a quick count and is shocked to find he suddenly has 30 cows. \n\nThe next day he brings his wife along with his cows. Without even waiting for rain he builds a canvas roof and herds all his cows inside and again his 26 cows turn into 30. But his wife is less than impressed. \n\n\"Don't you think that's amazing?!\" he asks her.\n\nThe Wife replies, \"It's just as expected, you rounded them up to the nearest tent.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He used the alternative fax."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Cervical cancer. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But I'd also like to get laid tomorrow night, so Walgreens after work it is."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"His subject matter is poorly executed."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"...because they're originally from Bowling Green, and everyone was sorry for the loved ones they lost. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"However, she kept running and didn't say anything to me. I shrugged and kept going, thinking that maybe she didn't hear me. About 10 minutes later, she caught up to me again, and I once more waved and said \"hola.\" Still, she kept her eyes straight ahead as she passed me and didn't respond. At this point, I was a little offended and felt determined to at least get a response of some kind from her.  \n\nFinally, about 10 minutes later she caught up to me again, and as she passed I said \"hola\" somewhat louder than before. She finally slowed down and turned back to me and said \"A few times I've been around this track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, 'cause I ain't no hola back girl!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"What the hellman! "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"An ISIS members' dick."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\nNothing...just ice"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool?\n\nTurn It upside down. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"pornhub is down; your facebook will do"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I don't know, ask your other dad."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Unless everyone gets them "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Apparently, he has a huge apartment complex."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. \n\nHe orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:\n\n\"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.\" If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\"\n\nTo which his wife responds: \"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They're starting a focus group."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"*boo*-bees "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Sad and alone."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because they all want to fuck mother nature."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Police are combing the area "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"So they can Scandinavian."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A treesome! "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\nWhooops wrong sub!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The title says it all"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It all started with a big bang!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Batman can go out without robin ;)"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"Why do you use a Samsung phone?\"\n\"To remind me that the apple was the first sin.\"\n\"So you are an atheist?\"\n\"Of course not! Why do you think that?\"\n\"Because I have notes on why Samsung's phones always end with a big bang!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I guess you could say there's a real twist at the end..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.\n\nAfter a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, \"I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?\"\n\n\"Jesus Christ?!\" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. \"Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!\"\n\nA hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.\n\n\"Every two years?\" he shouted. \"We're still waiting for his second coming!\"\n\n\"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?\" suggested the alien.\n\n\"Chocolate?\" replied the Pope. \"What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?\"\n\n\"Well,\" said the alien. \"When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender..\n\nthe guy sitting on her left said: \"Jack Daniels, Single\"\n\nthe Guy on her right side ordered: \"Johnny Walker, Single\"\n\nnow the bartender looked at the lady & said, \"And You?\"\n\nLady replied: \"Yolanda, Married\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Now I'm handiclapped"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A cripflip"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Neither have they."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But she didn't seem too happy when I took her tea shirt off."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Having said that, I love them."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He's having a mid-life crisis"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Starbucks."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I read an article about drones recently. A software development firm was testing drones in the Amazon basin and developing mapping software when they began receiving strange anomalies in the data. \nThe drones were covering more area than they had modeled in the software. \nThey couldn't figure out why the drones were exceeding the units per second figures of their graphs. \nThat's when I realized: Amazon drones are always faster than U(nit)P(er)S(econd) estimations. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She said, \"Stop wearing my bra's.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I mean, what do you get for your left hand?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"With iPhone accessories."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He was out standing in his field "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Successful"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"They're both shiite "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because he was bard!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Is her gravitational pull  "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I only know because they told everyone within two minutes "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A time traveler walk into a bar"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Raindrops are dank\n\nMy father died. How?, my repulsive ass stank\n\n(not funny, but a valentines day related joke)"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: \"You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you\". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adultery twice, so the priest told her she needs to donate two dollars to the church. Then the priest said:\"You got the hang of it, I'm going to the bathroom and you need to do the same thing until I come back, and remember, never take more money than you should\". When the priest came back he found the new guy fucking a woman on the altar, he got mad and started yelling: \"Are you out of your mind! What are you doing?!\" The sex addict replied: \"Calm down man, this one said she commited adultery eight times and she donated a 10 dollar bill and I didn't have any change to give back to her so I had to fuck her twice\"."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"His 4 children are there, 3 tall with red hair, 1 short with black hair, as well as his wife.\n\"Before I die, tell me,is that my child?\"He asks his wife, pointing to the shortest.\n\n\"I swear on everything that's your kid.\"The wife replies.\n\nRelieved the father then passes away. Shortly after he passes, his wife mutters \"Thank god he didn't ask about the other three.\"\n\n\n\n\n\nEdit: makes more sense, also some spacing.\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A shocktopus."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Boss: \"I'm sorry but you are fired\"\n\nCoworker: \"why? I didn't do anything?\"\n\nBoss: \"Bingo\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A mother takes her three son's to enroll in school. The teacher asks.\n\nTeacher: What are your son's names?\n\nLady: This boy's name is Leroy, this other boy's name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son's name.\n\nTeacher: Isn't it confusing having all three boy's named the same?\n\nLady: Oh no, you see when it's time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it's time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it's time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it's time for dinner and they all come a runnin.\n\nTeacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?\n\nLady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I did!\nIt's on 14th Feb!\nLaugh please I'm pathetic"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"With a crowbar."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Who's there?\nMe.\nMe who?\nI didn't know you had a cat."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"seeing how she grimaced, the janitor asked if there was someone in the toilet, to which the woman responded \"Almost!\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It has alkynes of problems."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"But then I changed my mind."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Throw shade"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Well, he's fine. He's awake now. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"*Lady doctors. Apparently I have all sorts of viruses."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A guy was going on a vacation to France. He was aware of that most french people don't speak english so he ordered a french lesson for one day to learn the necessities when going to a new country. The day for the lesson came, but when he arrived at the school, it seemed quite empty. He went in saw a guy sitting behind a counter. \"Hi, I came for the french lesson today\" our guy said. \"Oh, I'm sorry. The French teacher is ill and will be home for a week.\" \"So there is no one that know any french here?\" \"No I'm sorry. But I have a little note I can give you. Just show it when you order something, or don't know what to say, and it should work out fine\" \"Uhm ok. What does it say?\" \"I'm sorry, I don't know, really. The french teacher just told me to give it to people while he was gone.\" Our guy thought that was fair enough. He didn't have time to order a new lesson anyway.\n\nThe day for the journey came. With a packed bag he went to the airport and flew all the way to France. He arrived in France in the evening and went out to grab a cab. A cab arrived and after greeting the French cab driver he figured he could use the note and see if the driver would understand what it said. He showed the note. The driver looked at the note, then at our guy, then at the note, and back at the guy, before he cursed in french and drove off. \"Well that's weird. Maybe the note isn't ment for cab drivers\" he thought and walked until he found a bus. He went on the bus and thought he'd give the note another try. The bus driver looked at the note and went red in an instant. He commanded our guy off the bus, and drove away. This annoyed our guy a little. He waited for another bus and did not show the note this time. He said the name of his hotel, the bus driver nodded, he paid and sat down next to a lady. She asked him in french if he was american and he said yes. She seemed to understand a little english, so he thought she could translate the note. He asked if she could and she nodded. He pulled out the note and showed it to her. She read it and quickly shoved it away from her in anger, and she called for the bus driver. Our guy understood what they wanted and stood the rest of the ride in frustration. He finally arrived at his hotel tired of being yelled at and ready to sleep. At the receptions desk he told his name, they wrote something down and asked him for ID. When finding his ID the note accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the counter. The receptionist read it and as he expected, got really mad. Another guy that worked there came and they talked for a while, before accepting that our guy could sleep there, but they weren't happy about it. \n\"That's it. I've had enough of this, tomorrow I'm going back home!\" our guy thought, and so he did.\n\nLuckily this was easier. He did not show the note to anyone and mimed his way back to America. He stayed home for a week before deciding to go back to the french school, now that the teacher was back, and find out what the note said. At the school he met the teacher and asked quite annoyed what the note said. \"Let me see\" the teacher said putting on his glasses. Our guy handed him the note. At this time two windows were open. A gust of wind blew the note out of their hands and out one of the windows, and they never found it. Neither did our guy find out what the note said... Not even I know... Sorry\n\n\n\n\n\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Dad: \"Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He cries into it: \"Fuck you bitch!\"\n\nThen echo replies: \"Bitch you fuck!\"\n\nA bit puzzled, he cries again: \"Bitch you fuck!\"\n\nAnd a second later, he hears: \"Fuck you bitch!\"\n\nEven more puzzled, he cries inside: \"Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!\"\n\nThe manhole replies: \"Fuck off dude, I'm trying to work here\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle.  One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because it has two banks"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It causes premature evacuation."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Put a little boogie in it."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"You go for the juggler."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"FUCKING SHIT CUNT!"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He wants to Stimulate his Pences."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Udderly Tickled"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those!\n\nGuy: Uh... what?\n\nGirl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_ "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"15 years to life"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I see you drivin'\n'Round town with the girl I love\nAnd I'm like haiku"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She really wanted a hummer. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"When it turns into a driveway."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Doctor: it could be a sexually tran...\nMe: not unless I got it from a toilet seat\nMe:("}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Remains to be seen."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Everyone is totally amazed at the sight, then one of his buddy's asked how did you get this young thing to marry you. .. ........Told her I was 80..."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The professor asks him if he's done with the lab.  \nHe says, \"Yes, professor, this is my final solution.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"3rd grade"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because they have a hollow-weenie\n\nsorry"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I guess I got scared shitless."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It feels good to jerk my dick with my left hand from time to time. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Nobody gives a dam."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Friend: So how'd they taste?"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He knows no Juan in Mexico can foot the bill."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Ground beef."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Unfortunately, After every time we ?e^x I am left with an e^x "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\\* Opens my eyes \\*\n\nDoctor: You were in Coma for four years.\n\nMe: Just five more minutes please.\n\n\\* Goes back to sleep \\*\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I meant to ask her to \"feed the dogs.\" Instead I said, \"You ruined my life, you soul sucking, evil beast.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"And a chair, and a table. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"On the condition to recycle Samsung Galaxy Note 7"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Sex with two people is called a twosome.\n\n\nThat is why they call me handsome."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The bartender says That's a nice pig you got there.\nThe woman says it's not a pig it's a parrot.\nThe bartender says I was talking to the parrot."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"4 skin divers."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"He was talking to his grandfather and they were both huge hunters. \nA conversation arose about ticks, and how they would always affect the game they caught, how they were \"fuckin' blood sacs of the devil\". \nA light turns on and my dad turns around abruptly and sees his mother standing there in a white gown. \n\n\"Who and what the fuck are you talking about\"?\n\n\"Geandfather! Talkin' about ticks! \n\nTick talk!\" \n\nMy grandmother shakes her head and with a blank expression says\n\n\"Carl that a fucking clock.\""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Now I'm feeling rather down"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Relationship"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Just a little off the top"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I'm gonna krill myself."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\"Fred Goldman cause he took mine!\" - OJ Simpson"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because they don't have any locks "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Immigrants do the jobs average Americans won't. "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because once you come, you regret."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The P is silent"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A trump card"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Bet fuel\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"She ran."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"\nFor example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!\n\n\n*I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *\n"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it?\n\nThe parrot says: Africa "}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Because they're only there for the boos."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":""}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"Just ice."}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"A crash course on 9/11"}
{"group":"reddit","jocke":"It was Spring Break and several friends arranged to spend the week in a cabin in a remote, forested region about 3 hours from school.   \n\nThere was nothing noteworthy about the first two hours, but it was as if we'd entered a strange new world once we'd left the interstate highways to proceed on farm roads with odd names and/or numbers.\nNo other cars.   These paved roads appeared well-worn, but it was unfamiliar!  There were barbed wire fences on both sides of this two lane road and random horses and cows.    \n\nThen, suddenly, there was a blur that burst past the side of our car.\n\nWhat was that?!  We both uttered these words, simultaneously.    We decided to find out.   \n\nI was driving 60mph, so I sped up to 70mph.   I was gaining on the blur, but it was clear I needed to go faster if I had any hope to identify this freakishly speedy blur.\n\nI accelerated to 80mph but it seemed to be moving much faster.   Just as I exceeded 90mph I realized I'd never match it's speed.  But suddenly the blur made a right turn onto an humble dirt road.  \n\nI screeched to a halt.  My buddy said, 'you gotta turn around and try to see what that thing was!!'  I was curious, as well, so that's precisely what I did.\n\nI cautiously proceeded down this dirt road and it was less than 1/2mile when we noticed a broken down wooden shack of a home.   On the porch were three folks in rocking chairs.  I parked my car and stepped out, politely announcing my name and asking if these folks had seen this blur that had us so perplexed!\n\n\"Oh, yeah\", responded the old lady.   \"That was one of our three legged chickens.\"\n\nMy buddy reacted, \"three legged chickens?\"\n\nShe continued, \"well, me, Paw and Jr. all LOVE chicken legs.  It was Jr's idea.   He said we needed to raise three legged chickens!  And that's what we did!  That blur---you seen one of em!'  \n\nJr's beeming  pride was obvious as he smiled a smile so incredible it exposed his dozen remaining teeth!!  The American Dental Association would have been bewildered, speechless!\n\n\"Sounds like a great idea!\", I said.  I continued, \"So.....how do they taste?\"\n\nJr's smile evaporated as Maw responded, \"don't know.   Can't catch 'em.\"\n"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand\nwere arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the\ndealer.\n\nThe player said, \"When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.\nAccordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing\nto do with it so, why should I tip him?\"\n\nThe dealer said, \"When you eat out do you tip the waiter?\"\n\n\"Yes.\"\n\n\"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards, so you should\ntip me.\"\n\n\"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' 'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' 'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. 'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"Suddenly the brunette yells, \"earthquake!!\" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The redhead then screams, \"tornado!!\" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The blonde shouts, \"fire!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" She yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No, Honey, it's because you're 25.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, \"I can't get out of the room!\" \"You can't get out of your room?\" the captain asked. \"Why not?\" She replied, \"There are only three doors in here,\" she sobbed, \"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. \nThe brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, \"Now, do you remember what the plan is?\" The blonde sighed and replied, \"Yeah, yeah, I remember...\" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. \n\nBefore the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, \"Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!\" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, \"Stop! Stop!\" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, \"What the hell happened in there?!?\" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, \"What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!\" \nThe brunette paused and yelled, \"YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says, \"Hey give me an ML.\" The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says, \"I'd like a BL.\" Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, \"Give me a Fifteen.\" \"A Fifteen?\" the bartender replies, \"What the hell is that?\" \"Oh, you know,\" the blonde says, \"A Seven and Seven.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry! She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, \"No, honey, don't do it!!\" \"Shut up,\" she says, \"You're next.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and says, \"HI, is there anything I could do for your house or you???\" The man thinks and says, \"Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage.\" The girl says, \"O.K., How much will you pay me?\" The man says, \"How much does fifty bucks sound?\" The blonde quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, \"50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!\" 25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, \"O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?\" Surprised the man replies, \"O.K. Let me get the money\" He comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, \"By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\"\"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened to yourother ear?\"\"The jerk called back!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude.\"No,\" the talented blonde artist said. \"I don\"t do that sort of thing.\"\"But what if I double your fee?\" he pleaded.\"Nope, sorry. Won't do it.\"\"How about I give you five times what you normally get?\"\"Oh, okay then,\" said the artist, \"but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, \"There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"I just got the first joke!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I must have left my baby on the bus!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, \"I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. \"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.\"\"I have good news for you,\" the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. \"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.\"\"Great,\" the blond answered, \"I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot.\"A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. \"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!\"\"I don't understand how that could be\", said the doctor, shaking his head. \"Those are the strongest pills on the market!\"\"That may be true,\" answered the blond wearily, \"but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, \"So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?\"The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, \"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.\"So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. \"Now, he said, \"did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?\"The blonde immediately said, \"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!\"The detective shook his head and said, \"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!\"The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, \"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?\"\"Yes! He only has one ear!\"The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, \"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!\"The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, \"This is probably a waste of time, but.......\" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying \"All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?\"The blonde said, \"I did. This man wears contact lenses.\"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, \"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?\"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, \"Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.\n\nRedhead sighed and said, \"Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.\"\n\nThe blonde looked quizzically at her and said, \"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?\"\n\nThe redhead said, \"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.\"\n\nThe blonde says, \"Don't you have a vase?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains\" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!.\" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer!?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. \nThe brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level. \nThe brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate. \nWhen the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles. \n\"Whats goimg on up here?\" asks the brunette. \"We're having a great time downstairs!\" \n\"Yeah,\" screams a terrified blonde, \"but you've got a driver!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.\" When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor said, \"Did you follow my instructions?\" The blonde nodded, \"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.\" \"From hunger, you mean?\", asked the doctor.\" \"No, from all that skipping.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, \"Are you going to Sydney?\"\"Sure,\" answered the blonde, \"do you need a lift?\"\"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.\"\"I'd be happy to,\" said the blonde.So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.\"What the hell are you doing here?\" he demanded, \"I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.\"\"Yes, I know you did,\" said the blonde, \"but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.\n\nOne day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?\n\nThe next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.\n\nThe redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.\n\nThe blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.\n\nEver so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.\n\n\"NO WAY,\" she exclaimed, \"I almost got caught yesterday\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying \"If you catch me, I'm yours.\" He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. \"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...\" So he races back to the gym and says, \"I want to lose 20 more kg.\" \"No problem,\" says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign \"If I catch you, you're mine.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, \"I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, \"I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.\" The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies \"But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her.\" The clerk replies \"Anything?\". \"Yes.... ANYTHING!\" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. \"Unzip me...\" She does. \"Take it out..... go ahead.\" She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says \"Well... go ahead... do it...\" She brings her lips close to it and shouts \"Hello?... Mom?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, \"Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper.\"After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The redhead says, \"What's so funny?\"The blonde says, \"Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There's a blonde, a red head and a brunette all on death row. They are all out in the desert about to be executed. First up is the brunette. The shooter counts; 1, 2, 3..., and the brunette yells out,\"Tornado!\" Everybody turns around to see the tornado and the brunette runs away.Next up is the red head. The shooter counts; 1, 2,3..., and the red head yells out,\" Flood!\" Everybody turns around to see the flood and the red head runs away. Next up is the blonde. The shooter counts; 1,2,3...,and the blonde yells,\"Fire!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.Signed - \"The Blonde\"She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note: \"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This guy goes to sit at his plane seat in first class, and finds a blonde there. He says, excuse me miss, but this is my seat. She replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body and I'm going to Florida. So the guy calls the stewardess over to help him. He explains the situation to the stewardess, and the stewardess says, miss, your seat is in coach, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave first class. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a  great body, and I'm going to Florida. The stewardess then goes to get the captain to help her, and the captain asks the blonde to please leave first class, and go back to coach.  The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The captain thinks about this for a minute, then whispers something in  the blondes ear. As soon as he does, she gets up and goes back to  coach.. The stewardess is amazed. What did you say?  The captain replies, I told her first class doesn't go to Florida."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, \"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!\" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. \"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. \"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!\" says the Redhead. \"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!\" \"OK\" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell \"Jump! You have to jump!\" \"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!\" yelled the Blonde. \"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!\" \"Look,\" the Blonde says. \"Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it....\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant.  \"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant\" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.\"But I always buy it here\", the blonde says. \"I bought one last month\". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, \" I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time\". \"Sure\", the blonde replies. \"I'll bring it with me tomorrow\"The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. \"This is just a normal deodorant\", the pharmacist tells the blonde, \"You use it under your arms\".\"No, it is not\", the blonde answers, \"it says so here: To apply, push up bottom\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When she arrived at the place, the man said \"Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?\" \"Oh of course! I can handle it\" the blonde replied. Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly. at 400ft, she radioed in saying \"wow! this is so much fun!\" At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying \"this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!\" At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed! Luckily she survived, \"what happened?\" he exclaimed. \"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, \"shut up...you're next!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.\nGod says, \"There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.\n\nThen on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.\n\nOn the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. \n\nSuddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"i just got the first joke!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\"The shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There are three people: a blonde named Stacy, a red-head named Mary, and a guy named Jack.One day Mary says \"I think we should rob a bank.\" And everyone agrees.So the next week after much planning they all set it up. \"Now remember me and Mary are going to circle around for two minures, got it?\" Says Jack, \"Okay.\" Says Stacy.They drive away and two minutes pass and they come back. Stacy hasn't come out. 3 minutes pass, 4 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, and after 11 minutes Stacy comes runing out with a safe that has been tied up and a guard with his pants down chasing after her. Stacy jumps in the car and they drive off. Imidietly Mary says, \"I told you to blow the safe and tie up the guard!!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Q & A\n\n\nQ: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?\nA: So brunettes can remember them. \n\nQ: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?\nA: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back. \n\nQ: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? \nA: She slipped off and fell down the drain. \n\nQ: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? \nA: The joystick is wet. \n\nQ: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?\nA: Pick them up off the floor. \n\nQ: Why don't blonds play frisbee? \nA: It hurts their teeth. \n\nQ: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? \nA: Gifted! \n\nQ: How do blonde braincells die ? \nA: Alone. \n\nQ: Why don't blondes eat bananas? \nA: They can't find the zipper. \n\nQ: How did the blonde try to kill the fish? \nA: She tried to drown it. \n\nQ: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?\nA: Not everyone has been in a 747.\n\nQ. why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?\nA. because she heard the drinks were on the house."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three girls are walking in a magical forest. Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them: \"Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, i will make you disappear!\".The first girl, a brunette, says:\"I think I am a very kind and toughtfull person\".*Pooph*- she disappears. The second girl, red-haired, says:\"I think i am very sexy\".*Pooph*- she also disappears.The third girl, a blonde, says:\"Well, I think...\"*Pooph*- she is gone..."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, \"Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.\" Her boyfriend asks, \"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?? The girl says, \"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.\"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, \"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This blonde had a near death experience the other day. She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving. She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground. She started screaming, and was in great pain. Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: \"I think they're deer tracks.\"The second blonde says: \"No, I think they're bear tracks.\"The third blonde says: \"You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!\"Then they get hit by a train."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,\"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day a blonde is hiking in the woods.  She follows the trail until she comes upon a river.  As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.The blonde yells to the other blonde \"How do I get to the other side?\"The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:\"You are on the other side!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag. \n1st blonde: \"What have you got in that bag?\" \n\n2nd blonde: \"Chickens.\" \n\n1st blonde: \"If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?\" \n\n2nd blonde: \"If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!\" \n\n1st blonde: \"Well, I think you've got three.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A girl came skipping home from school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother.  \"Is it because I'm blonde?\" the girl said.  \"Yes, it's because you're blonde,\" said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother.  \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\"  \"Yes, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,\"she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all theother girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tanktop to reveal a pair of 36Cs.  \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No Honey, it's because you're 24.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I left my baby on the bus!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. \"There's no fish there...\".     Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. \"There's no fish there...\"    The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. \"There's no fish there...\", she hears.     She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, \"Is that you, God?\"\"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,\n\"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... \nbecause you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor.\" \nFlustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, \"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. \"There's no fish there...\". \n    Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. \"There's no fish there...\"\n    The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. \"There's no fish there...\", she hears. \n    She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, \"Is that you, God?\"\n\n\"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: \"Do you know where you were going?\" Blonde: \"No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. \"Honey, are you okay?\" he asks her. \"Yes\" she replies. \"Then what are you doing?\" he asks. \"I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house.\" she replies. \"Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?\" he asks. \"Well,\" she replies \"I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.\"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?\"\"What's a license???\" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.\"It's usually in your wallet,\" replied the officer. After fumblingfor a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. \"Now may I see your registration?\" asked the cop.\"Registration..... what's that....?\" asked the blonde.\"It's usually in your glove compartment.\" said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.\"I'll be back in a minute.\" said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, \"Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?\"\"Yes.\" replied the officer\"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?\" asked the dispatcher\"Uh... yes.\" replied the cop.\"Here's what you do.\" said the dispatcher. \"Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.\"\"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate.\" exclaimed the cop.\"Trust me. Just do it.\" said the dispatcher.So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.The blonde looks down and sighs..... \"Ohh no... not another breathalyser."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has neverbeen on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,running over seat to seat and starts shouting, \"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO.....\"  Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts \"BE SILENT!\"  There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at theblonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for amoment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,\"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaping from jail. The brunette ran up a tree and a police officer yells \"who is there?\" and the brunette says \"tweet tweet\". So the police officer walks away. Then, the redhead runs up the tree and the police officer says \"who is there?\" and the red head says \"meow\" so the police officer walks away.So the blonde runs up the tree and the police officer says \"who is there?\" the blonde says \"moooo\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Once a Blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said \"I bet you fifty bucks he's going to jump off, what do you say?\" The Blonde said \"sure,\" They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says \"good job,\" The brunette looks guilty and says \"I'm sorry, here's your fifty bucks back, I saw the earlier showing and I knew the man was going to jump off,\" then blonde says \"don't worry, I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd do it again,\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A cop was driving down a country road when he saw a car in the ditch. He got out of his car to see if anyone was in the car. A blonde popped her head out the window and said \"Thank god officer! I got in an accident!\" The officer replied with \"Well I can see that! Are you okay?\" The blonde looked forward and said \"Well yeah... I think so.\" Then the officer looked around and said \"Miss.... your car looks like an elephant stepped on it. How did you crash?\" The blonde looked at him and said \"It was so strange. I was driving down the road and out of nowhere a tree jumped infront of me, so I swerved to the other side and another tree was in the way, so I swerved again, but another one was there again, so one last time I swerved to the other side, but the damn tree got me, and caused me to go in this ditch!\" The officer started to laugh hard. \"Whats so funny?\" The blonde asked. The officer took a second to catch his breath then said \"Miss, theres no trees on this road for miles ahead. That was your car air freshner swinging back and forth!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, \"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!\"He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, \"Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!\" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. \"What's so funny?\" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, \"Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked herwhat had happened to her ears and she answered,  \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\" \"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened toyour other ear?\" \"The jerk called back!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Once, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I`ve kidnapped you.\" She then wrote a note saying, \"I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.\"  The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.  The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.  The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde walks into an appliance store and starts to look around.\n\nShe then asks the clerk,\"Can I have that television set over there.\"\nThe clerk looks at her and says no.\nThis confuses her. She then asks why?\n\nThe Clerk responds,\"Because you are a blonde.\"\n\nThe blonde woman walks out with an idea on how to get that television.\n\nShe then returns with a wig full of red hair. She asks the clerk again for the television set. \n\nHe looks at her suspiciously and replies,\"No because I told you I don't sell them to blondes.\"\nShe then says,\"I am not a blonde I am a redhead.\"\nThe clerk then said,\"I know your the same women because that is no television thats a microwave.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. \nAfter becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\" \nThe shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" \nDetermined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. \nLater in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. \nLying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.The brunette says: \"I miss my family, I wish i was home again.\"With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said \"I wish my friends would come back\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, \"So you all want to be a cop, eh?\"The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, \"To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.\" So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. \"Now, he said, \"Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?\"The blonde immediately said, \"Yes, I did. He only has one eye!\"The detective shook his head and said, \"Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!\"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, \"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?\"The blonde immediately shot back, \"Yep! He only has one ear!\"The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, \"Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!\"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, \"This is probably a waste of time, but....\". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, \"Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?\"The blonde said, \"Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses.\"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, \"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?\"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, \"DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"I know a blond so stupid I asked her to take me to the airport she looked up at the billboard it said \"Airport Left\" she turned around and went home"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Q:how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? A:her tampon is on her ear and she cant find her pen!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day two blondes each bought a pig.  The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart.  So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, \"I'll cut my pig's tail off, then we will know the difference.\" So she cut her pig's tail off.  That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's tail off.  The next morning the blonde had a solution, she said,\"I'll just cut my pig's right back leg off.\" So, she did.  That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right back leg off.  The next morning the blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so she did.  That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's back left leg off.  The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn't know how they were going to tell their pigs apart.  So, one of them stated, \"I will cut my pig's right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart.\" So, she did.  That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right front leg off.  The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did.  That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's only leg off.  The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated.  Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said,  \"How about you take the white one and I'll take the black one.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the endof the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. \"Fifteen\" was the answer. \"Not bad, not bad at all,\" the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. \"Four\" was the answer. \"Four?\" the foreman yelled. \"The others did fifteen, and you only did four?\" \"Yes,\" replied the leader of the blonde group, \"But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildlyswinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.  Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.  For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she wouldsacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.All the blondes applauded."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office. She tells the Dr. : \"It hurts all over my body.\" He says: \"point to where it hurts\". She points to her shoulder and yells \"OUCH!\". She then points to her hip and yells \"OUCH!\". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain \"OUCH!!!\". The Dr. asks  her \"Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?\" She says: \"yes, how did you know\"? He answers: \"YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.\n\nThe blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.\n\nThe pro said \"Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's privates.\".\n\nThe blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.\n\nThe pro said \"That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of theblondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours wentby and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours wentby and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondessaid someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrowsleft."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"she was so blonde she told me to meet her at the corner of \"WALK\" and \"DON'T WALK.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY:It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighborswere nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY:Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe saidserve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What asurprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY:A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughlybefore steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly butI took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY:Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed oflettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led upto Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put allingredients in bowl and beat it. There must havebeen something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY:Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For somereason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY:Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flashof genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set thecontrols for roast. It still came out hamburger, muchto my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.This has been a very exciting week. I am eager fortomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like tosurprise him with Chocolate Moose."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Blonde was driving down the highway and she cuts off a Truck. The Driver motions for the Blonde to pull over. The blonde pulls over and the truck driver draws a circle on the road next to the car. He says \"Don't leave this circle\" and cuts her tires. He comes back and the Blonde is giggling. He says\"Oh you think thats funny!\" and rips her convertable top. He comes back and the blonde is laughing. The driver gets mad and lights her car on fire. The driver comes back and the blonde is rolling on the floor laughing. He asks \" What is so funny!\" She says \"I stepped out of the circle 9 times!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Blonde and a Burnette are watching the news at 6. It is live on the scene. It has been reported that a old homeless man is on top of a large bridge and swears that he will jump off the bridge. The Burnette turns around and says to the Blonde\" I bet you $50 that he will jump. Th blonde says\" You're on. Sure enough the old man jumps and falls to his death. The Burnette snickers to herself and says\"I must admit I did watch the news at 5. The blonde says So did I but, I did'nt think he would jump twice!!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There are three blondes playing Jeopardy. The announcer says, \"This is the final question. How many \"D's\" are in Jeopardy?\" The first blond says \"1.\" The announcer goes  to number two and she says \"1000.\" \"I'm not even going to ask,\" the announcer said. He goes up to the third blonde and she says \"33\" \"How did you get 33?\" he asks. The blond starts singing to herself, \"Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket.'Excuse me' she said 'you only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat.'The blonde was very stubborn and said 'Im blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York.'So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same.'Im blonde and beautiful and Im going to new york.'This went on throught 4 other flight attendants.Finally they went to the captain and told him the problem.He said 'I can handle this' and went to talk to her.Hw whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class.All the flight attendatns were shocked and they asked him how he did it.He said 'I told her first class wasn't going to New York.'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head all go hunting together. Then they decide to all go their separate ways. When they all come back, the brunette had shot a rabbit. The other 2 ask \"How'd you do that?\"She says: \"Well, I followed some tracks,and BOOM, I got a rabbit.\" The red-head had came back with a deer. The blond & brunette ask \"How'd you do that?\" She says:\"Well, I follwed some tracks and BOOM, I got a deer.\" The blonde comes back all beat up and bloody, without any game. They ask \"HOW'D YOU DO THAT?!?\" And she says: \"Well I followed some tracks, and BOOM, I got hit by a train\"THE END"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde wearing headphones walks into a store and on the window it said 'No Headphones' so the clerk says, \"I'm afraid I'll have to make you take off those headphones.\"The blonde paid no attention to the clerk, so he said louder \"If you don't take off those headphones I will!\".The blonde still paid no attention, so the clerk yanked the headphones off of her.Then she fainted all of a sudden.The clerk put on the headphones to see what she was listening to.All he heard was \"Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said \"hey, how do i get to the other side\"? The other blonde answered \"You're already on the other side\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young man wanted to get his beautiful \"blonde\" wife \nsomething nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he \ndecides to buy her a cellphone.\n\nShe is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and \nexplains to her all the features on the phone. The next day\nthe blonde goes shopping.\n\nHer phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hun,\"he says \"how \ndo you like your new phone?\"\n\nShe replies: \"I just love, it's so small and your voice is \nclear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand \nthough.\"\n\n\"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband.\n\n\"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell?     GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells?     PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells?     A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes.      So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheeps. The farmer  said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one. The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms. The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, \" If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,\" Why did you bring the food?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hungry, i can eat it. Why did you bring water?\" The redhead replies, \" Well in case i get thirsty, i can drink it.\" Then they both turn to the blonde and say, \" Why did you bring the car door?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hot, i can roll down the window.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were running away from the cops. They ran into a barn, and each hid in a sack. The cops came and kicked the sack with the redhead in it, she said, \"meow...\" The cops said, \" It's just a cat,\" and goes on and kicks the sack with the brunette. She says, \" woof...\" The cops say, \" It's just a dog.\" They kick the sack with the blonde and she says, \" Potatoe...\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He  finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there  for a while the blind guyyells to the bartender: \"Hey, wanna hear a  blonde joke?' A deathlysilencetranscends the bar. In a deep, husky,  menacing voice, the woman next tohimsays: \"Before you tell that  joke, you should know something. Thebartenderis blonde, the bouncer  is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with ablack belt in Karate.  What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blondeand she's a weight  lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's apro wrestler.  Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tellthatjoke?\"The blind man pauses to think, and says, \"Nah, not if  I'm gonna have toexplain it five times.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Gifted"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Bill how he wanted his steak, she replied, \"medium.\"\n\nThen the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\" Bill replied, \"Oh, she can order for herself.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left.  So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"there were three people walking on the street.a smart blonde, a stupid blonde and santa clause.suddenly, they see on the ground 100$.question : wich of them pick it up ? Answer:the stupid blonde !Why?because the smart blonde and santa clause don't exist, they are fiction."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, \"I'm going to try to swim to shore.\" So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, \"I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.\" So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, \"I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too.\" So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, \"I'm too tired to go on!\" So she swam back."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"You and your two blonde friends (Melisa and Sarah) are stranded on a desert island.You have no food at all with you and you are all starving.Then you guys found a piece of bologna.None of you want to share it and you guys don't know how to decide who keeps it.Then you said that whoever had the best dream would win the bologna.The next day you ask Melisa what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was rich.Then you asked Sarah what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was richer than Melisa.Then they asked you what your dream was.You said that you didn't have a dream but you wrote a poem.They asked you what it was.You said: \"Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony.While you guys were all asleep I ate the damn bologna!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs. One of the blondes said, \"Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Q: How do you get the blonde to turn on the light after sex?A: tell her to open the car doorQ:what did the blondes' left leg say to the right leg?A: Nobody knows, they've never met"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a blonde, a brunette, a red-head and a bald woman stuck on a desert island.The brunette decided to swim home, but got 1/3 of the way there and drowned, The red-had decided to try, but drowned 1/4 of the way there. The blonde decide that she had to risk it, so she swam 1/2 of the way there when she stopped and swam back.\"why did you come all the way back, when you were half way home?\" screamed the bald woman. \"well\", said the blonde \"I was going to carry on, but I got tired and thought I'd rest first\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two blondes walk in to a building.You'd think one of them would have seen the building."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Whats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This blonde went in an electrical store for a microve. She asked can i please have that microve? the guy said no you blonde. She goes dyes her head black after that she went to the shop can i please have that microve? the guy said no you blonde. so she goes dyes her hair all different colours after that she went to the shop can i please have that microve? How do you know I'm a blonde? the guy said because your pointeting to a fridge"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair \nblack and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.  \nShe drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted \na sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, \"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in \nyour field, will you give me a sheep?\" He said \"Sure!\" She counted and said \"131.\" The farmer\n said, \"That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep.\" The blonde went and got her sheep.  \n\nThen, the farmer said, \"If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?\" and \nshe said, \"Yes.\"  \n\n\"Blonde. Now give me back my dog.\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who hit the ground first?The brunette, cos the blonde stopped to asked for directions!!!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, \"I think I would like this room in a cream color.\"\n\nThe contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. \"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.\" Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\"\n\nThis baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, \"Green side up!\"\n\nStruck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, \"Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?\"\n\nThe contractor replied, \"Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. \"Something brushed against my rightr leg!!\" \"Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?\" \"Yea and it keeps doing it.\" she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. \"Hold up. That was just my left leg."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a blonde, a brunette and a red-head stuck on a deserted island. They were searching for food one day when they found a genie lamp. They each rubbed it and a genie popped up. He said \"Since you all found my lamp I will give you a wish each. The brunette said \"I wish I was 10% smarter so I can get off this island.\" She swam off the island. The red-head seeing what the blonde did said \"I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island.\" She built a raft out of leaves and branches. The blonde seeing what they did said \"I wish I was 50% smarter to get off this island.\" The blonde turned into a man and walked over the bridge."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day a blonde was broke and didn't know what to do. So she decided to kidnap a child. She went over to the play ground and saw plenty of little kids running around. She picked out this one little boy and went over and grabbed him. She told the little boy she was going to kidnap and the little boy knowing she was a blonde didn't mind at all. The blonde wrote a note as the following:To whom it may concern:I have just kidnapped your little boy and I want one million dollars in a paper bag under the peach tree at noon.           Sincerely                a blondeAfter she was finished the note she pinned the note to his shirt and sent home. The next day the blonde she went to the peach tree at noon and there was a brown paper bag. All the money was there but there was a little note. It said:Dear a blonde:Your money is all there I just wanted to know how you could do this to another blonde."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde and a brunette were walking down the dark basement stairs to find a wrench. When they were half way down the stairs the blonde screamed. \"What's wrong?\" \"Something brushed against my  right leg!!\" So both the brunette and the blonde were running around the basement screaming. \"I keep feeling it!! Make it stop! Wait\" The blonde said. \"That was just my left leg!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A blonde a brunette and a red-head were stuck on a deserted island. When they were searching for food one day they found a genie's lamp. They all rubbed it at the same time. The genie popped out and said \"Since you all rubbed my lamp at the same time, you get one wish each.\" The blonde went first \"I wish I was 10% smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she was swimming away from the island. Seeing what she did the brunette said \"I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she was making a raft out of branches and leaves. In the next 10 minutes she was off the island. Seeing what they both did the red-head said \" I wish I was 50 % smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she became a man and walked over the bridge."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said\" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her\" The guy looked at them and said\" No I can't do it\" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. \"He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said\" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him.\" \"Alright\" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. \"What the hell is going on\" \"Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. \"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,\" she said. \"What's yoursecret for a long happy life?\" \"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,\" he said. \"I also drink a caseof whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.\" \"That's amazing,\" the woman said. \"How old are you?' \"Twenty-six.\" ** Shibu **"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge?\nBecause she thought her maxi had wings!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"I knew a blond so stupid that when she read the \"concentrat\" on the orange juice container, she did."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think...    She was vanished into the mirror forever."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?\n\nAn archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.\n\nA fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.\n\nIf moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?\n\nI love being married. It's so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.\n\nAnyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.\n\nI wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way.\n\nLaugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"1.  Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?13. Nike Condoms: just do it.14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A good friend will bail you out of jail.A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,\"Damn, that was fun!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing \"fairly well\" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, \"Doyou think I'll live to be 80?\"He asked, \"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?\"\"Oh no,\" I replied. \"I've never done either.\"Then he asked, \"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?\"I said \"No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!\"\"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?\"\"No, I don't,\" I said.He said, \"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?\"\"No,\" I said. \"I've never done any of those things.\"He looked at me and said, \"Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little kid asks his father, \"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?\" \"Both son. God is both.\" After a while the kid comes again and asks, \"Daddy, is God black or white?\" \"Both son, both.\" The child returns a few minutes later and says, \"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered\tto her mother, \"Why is the bride dressed in white?\"\t\"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the\thappiest day of her life.\" Her mother tried to explain, keeping\tit simple.\tThe child thought about this for a moment, then said, \"So, why\tis the groom wearing black?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer  away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his   fingers and yelled \" SPIT IT OUT! \"SPIT IT OUT!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants.\n\nAt age 12, success is..................having friends.\n\nAt age 20, success is..................having sex.\n\nAt age 35, success is..................making money.\n\nAt age 70, success is..................having sex.\n\nAt age 80, success is..................having friends.\n\nAt age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, \"Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt.\"On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had \"hammered the plane a little hard on the runway.\"The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, \"Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing.\"All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, \"Do you mind if I ask a question?\"He said, \"Why no, ma'am, go ahead.\"She then replied, \"I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"why does sour cream have an expiry date?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida.  At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work.  He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.Officer: \"Where are you going?\"Husband: \"We're on vacation and going to Florida.\"Wife: \"What did he say?  What did he say?\"Husband: \"He wants to know where we're going.\"Officer: \"How long will you be gone?\"Husband: \"About one month.\"Wife: \"What did he say?  What did he say?\"Husband: \"He wants to know how long we'll be gone.\"Officer: \"Where are you from?\"Husband: \"We're from Toronto, Ontario.\"Officer: \"Toronto, huh.  I was there once.  Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life.\"Wife: \"What did he say?  What did he say?\"Husband: \"He says he knows you!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The\ndirector of the group said, \"Now, I'd like each of you to give the\nfacts of your daily routine.\"\n\nSeveral people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously\noverweight member said, \"I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I\nexercise frequently.\"\n\n\"Hmm?\" said the manager. \"And are you sure there is nothing you\nover-indulge in?\"\n\n\"Well,\" said the man, \"I lie extensively.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, \"So, how did the parachute jump go, son?\" Son replies, \"Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to \"do me\" with his 12-incher!\"Father says, \"Well, Son, did you jump?\" \"Just a little at first\" said the son."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. \nThe clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, \"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.\" \nThe man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.\n\"What's so funny?\" asks the clerk.\n\"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.\" the man replies. \nThe clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, \"Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's privates off.\" \nThe man takes another look through the scope and says, \"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, \"What are you waiting for?\" The husband replies, \"Autumn.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich \"why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?\" Bob replied \"take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!\" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said \"I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!\" Bob looked at James and asked, \"have you tried putting the potato in the front?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, \"Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?\"\n\n\"I'm sure I can.\" the psychiatrist replied. \"Just go over and lie face down on that couch.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,\"What's the deal with the jar of money?\" \"Well\", the bartender says,\"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!\" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. \"What's the deal now?\" He asks. \"Well\",the bartender says,\"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!\" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. \"Alright\", he says,\"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!\" \"Easy\", he says,\"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.\nThen one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl. \nEarl said,\"Bob is this you\"\nBob said,\"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?\"\nEarl said,\"Well I've got some good news and some bad news.\"\nBob said, \"Whats the good news?\"\nEarl said, \"Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great\"\nBob said, \"Then what's the bad news?\"\nEarl said, \"Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. \n\"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten,\" he said. \"If you guess right, you win free sex.\" \"Okay,\" agreed one of the guys, \"I guess seven.\" \"Sorry, I was thinking of eight,\" replied the attendant. \nThe next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. \n\"Two!\" said the second guy. \n\"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. \"Come back and try again.\" As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, \"I think this contest is rigged.\" \"No way,\" said his buddy. \"My wife won twice last week.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.\"What size?\" asks the clerk?\"Gee, I don't know.\"\"Go see Sophie in aisle 4.\" He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, \"Medium!\" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, \"Large!\" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.\"What size?\" The kid embarrassedly says \"I've never done this before. I don't know what size.\" The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells \"Clean up in aisle 4!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\" \"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired. \"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\" \"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. \"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor. \"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\" \"So, what's your problem?\" \"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. \"What's that?\" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, \"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. \"Horrified, she said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.\" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. \"Here,\" she said, pointing, \"You must put it in here.\" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, \"What the hell did you do that for?\" \"Tarzan always check for bees.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head\nwaiter one morning and read from the menu. \"I'd like one under-\ncooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's\ntough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on\nthe cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that\nit's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.\"\n\n\"That's a complicated order sir,\" said the bewildered waiter. \"It\nmight be quite difficult.\"\n\nThe guest replied sarcastically, \"It can't be that difficult because\nthat's exactly what you brought me yesterday!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,\"The weather out there is terrible.\"To which she sleepily replies, \"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, \"Dear, what would you like for your present?\"\"I really don't think I should say.\"\"How about a diamond ring?\" the husband asks.\"I don't care much for diamonds.\"\"Well, how about a mink coat?\"\"You know I do not like furs.\" she says.\"A golden necklace?\" asks the man.\"I already have three of them.\"\"Well, gosh, what do you want?\"The wife replies, \"What I'd really like is a divorce.\"\"Hmmm,\" says the man, \"I wasn't planning on spending that much.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.\"Twenty bucks,\" she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.\"What's going on here, people?\" asks the officer.\"I'm making love to my wife,\" the man answers indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" says the cop, \"I didn't know.\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"neither did I until you shined that light in her face.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman asks her husband, \"Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?\"He declines. \"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,\" he says. \"It's really taken the edge off my appetite.\"At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. \"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?\"He declines. \"The Viagra,\" he says, \"really trashes my desire for food.\"Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.\"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?\"He declines again. \"Naw, still not hungry.\"\"Well,\" she says, \"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A wife asks her husband, \"Honey, if I died, would you remarry?\"\"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.\"\"If I died and you remarried,\" the wife asks, \"would she live in this house?\"\"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,\" the wife asks, \"would she sleep in our bed?\"\"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?\"\"Oh, no,\" the husband replies. \"She's left-handed.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. \"thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, \"That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get\"!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,\"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Nice Hotel\n\n\nA husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists\non speaking to the manager.\n\nThe manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.\nHe also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. \"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,\"\nexplains the manager.\n\nNo matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, \"But we didn't use it!\"\n\nThe manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. \"But sir,\" the managers says, \"this check is only made out for $100.\"\n\n\"That's right,\" replies the man. \"I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.\"\n\n\"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!\" exclaims the manager.\n\n\"Well,\" the man replies, \"she was here, and you could have.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.   Finally the doctor says to him \"this is all in your mind\", and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, \"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.\" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , \"I can cure this\", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........   The witch doctor says, \"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!\"   The guy then asks the witch doctor \"What happens when it's over?\"   The witch doctor says \"all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.  But be warned it will not work again for a year!\" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.......  So, he is lying in bed with her and says \"123\", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says \"What did you say '123' for?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a \nbench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins \nto talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.\n\nMAN: \"Hello.\" \nWOMAN: \"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?\" \nMAN: \"Yes\" \nWOMAN: \"I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?\" \nMAN: \"Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.\" \n\nWOMAN: \"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.\" \nMAN: \"How much?\" \nWOMAN: \"$60,000\" \nMAN: \"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.\" \nWOMAN: \"Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.\" \nMAN: \"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.\" \nWOMAN: \"OK. I'll see you later! I love you! \n\nMAN: \"Bye, I love you, too.\" \nThe man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. \n\nThen he asks: \"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.\n\n\"What's the matter?\" he was asked.\n\nHe said, \"I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.\"\n\n\"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?\"\n\n\"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. \n\nHis eyes fluttered open and he said, \"You're beautiful!\" and then he fell asleep again. \n\nHis wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said \"You're cute!\" \nWell, the wife was dissapointed because instead of \"beautiful\" it was \"cute.\" \nShe said \"What happened to 'beautiful'?\"\n\nHis reply was \"The drugs are wearing off!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says \"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.\"The old man says without hesitation, \"I now pronounce you man and wife.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail\". Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said \"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked - \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating\"..."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman \"Give me six double vodkas.\" The barman says \"Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.\" \"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.\" The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, \"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!\" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says \"Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?\". \"Yeah, my wife...\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table.  The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.\nOne of the gents said to the other, \"I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, \"honey pie\" and \"sweet pea\", and \"sugar\" all the time.\nThe other gent said, \"Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.\"Where have you been?\" demanded his wife when he entered the house.\"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.\"The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, \"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, \"What is this, Father?\" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded \"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.\"While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, \"Go get your mother.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, \"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?\" The man replies, \"I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.\" The woman, now feeling badly, says, \"Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?\" The man looks at her and says, \"Pepper.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.\" The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, \"I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.\" \"Why not,\" giggles the woman. \"Good,\" he replies. \"Get your own blanket.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.\"The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.She then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.\"Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.She says, \"I want the house.\" Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.She says, \"I want the kids too.\" The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.She says, \"I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too.\" The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, \"Is there anything you want?\"The husband says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\"She asks, \"What's that?\"The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, \"I've got the airbag!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer.A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her.Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, \"Why are there so many people here?\"The farmer answered, \"Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.\n\n\"Last night I made love to my wife four times,\" the Frenchman bragged, \"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.\"\n\n\"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,\" the Italian responded, \"And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.\"\n\nWhen the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, \"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?\"\n\n\"Once,\" he replied.\n\n\"Only once?\" the Italian arrogantly snorted. \"And what did she say to you this morning?\"\n\n\"Don't stop.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, \"Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?\" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, \"Honey, please...just one more time before die.\" She says, \"Of course, Dear,\" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. \"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...\" At this point the wife sits up and says,\"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"\"Honey,\" said this husband to his wife, \"I invited a friend home for supper.\" \"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!\" \"I know all that.\" \"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?\" \"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, \"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?\"Jeff admitted, \"Well, yes I did.\"She said \"you can have it, but it will cost you $100.\"After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, \"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?\"Totally shocked, Sandy replied, \"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.\"Next Dave asked, \"Did Jeff give you $100?\"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, \"Yes, he did give me $100.\"\"Good,\" Dave says.\"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan \nofficer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. \n\nThe bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security  for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything \n checks out. \n\nThe loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. \n The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the \n Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground \n garage and parks it there. \n\nTwo weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, \n which comes to $15.41. \nThe loan officer says, \"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, \n and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little \n puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a \n multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow \n $5,000?\" \n\nThe Chinese replies: \"Where else in New York City can I park my car for \n two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!\".The wife says, \"Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?\"He says, \"I don't care. Just get the hell out!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\"With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\"And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.\" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.\" The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.\"Where are you?\" the man asked. \"Who are you?\"\"I am your guardian angel,\" the voice answered.\"Oh yeah?\" the man asked. \"And where the hell were you when I got married?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, \"What good will Viagra do him?\"The doctor replied, \"It will keep the sheets off his legs.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.\"What seems to be the problem?\"Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.The counselor spoke to the husband, \"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!\"The husband scratched his head and replied, \"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\"\"My darling,\" he replied, \"think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the   alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall   states: \"This bull mated 50 times last year.\"    The wife turns to her husband and says, \"He mated 50 times in a year,  isn't that nice!\"    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: \"This bull mated 65  times last year.\"    The wife turns to her husband and says, \"This one mated 65 times last  year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!\"    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: \"This bull mated 365   times last year.\"    The wife's mouth drops open and says, \"WOW! He mated 365 times last  year.  That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.\"    The fed up man turns to his wife and says, \"Go up and inquire if it was   the same old cow every day.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. \"First,\" he said, \"I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.\" The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. \"Well,\" said Mike, \"you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered...\"Hello?\"\"What?\"\"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix.\"He hangs up and his wife asks, \"Who was it dear?\"\"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.\"but how am I going to get bigger breasts?\" she asks.\"That's simple\", he says, \"just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day\".\"And that would do it?\", the surprised wife wonders.\"Well,\", answers the husband, \"it sure did work on your behind!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig. The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that. \"That's obvious\", she answers. \"The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two guys were talking at work. \"I've got a problem,\" said the first one. \"What is it?\"\"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?\"\"What did you buy her last year?\" the other one asked.\"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.\" \"Hmmmm, hard to top that one,\" said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, \"Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!\"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, \"I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs\". The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, \"Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, \"Here, put these on.\" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. \"I can't wear your pants\", she said. \"That's right!\", said the husband, \"and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!\"With that, she flipped him her panties and said, \"Try these on.\" He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, \"Hell, I can't get into your panties!\" She said, \"That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.\" The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?\" Harry replied in his inebriated state, \"Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.\"The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: \"WHAT?\"\"What did he say? What's he want?\"His wife yells back, \"He needs your underwear.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in \"fashion sense.\"\n\nThe man walks up to him and says, \"I didn't know you were into earrings.\" \"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring.\" Morris replies sheepishly. \"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?\" \"Ever since my wife found it in our bed.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, \"I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles.\"\n\nThe man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.\n\n\"Sure,\" says the tailor. \"You're a 42 long, right?\"\n\n\"Wow, how did you know?\" says the man.\n\n\"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things\" said the tailor.\"\n\nThe tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.\n\n\"16, 34, right?\" said the tailor. \n\n\"Right again!\" said the man. \"You're amazing.\"\n\n\"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things\".\n\nThe tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, \"Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too.\" \nThe tailor said, \"36 right?\"\n\n\"I'm disappointed,\" said the man. \"But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers.\"\n\nThe tailor said, \"Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36.\"\n\nThe man replied, \"It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one\".\n\n\"Hey look,\" said the tailor, \"I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.\"Quick,\" said the woman to her lover, \"into the closet!\" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. \"Who are you?\" he asked him.\"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,\" said the exterminator.\"What are you doing in there?\" the husband asked.\"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,\" the man replied.\"And where are your clothes?\" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, ......\"Well those Little bastards!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...\n------------------------------------\n\n1 This explains your car.\n2 I never saw one like that before. \n3 But it still works, right? \n4 Are you cold?\n5 I guess this makes me the early bird. \n6 Ahhhh, it's cute.\n7 Can I be honest with you? \n8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.\n9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? \n10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they \"oohed and aahed\" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.\"It's free,\" Peter replied, \"this is Heaven.\"Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, \"what are the green fees?\"Peter's reply, \"This is heaven, you play for free.\"Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.\"How much to eat?\" asked the old man. \"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!\" Peter replied with some exasperation.\"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?\" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, \"That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.\"With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, \"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, \"Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.\" \"Well,\" the doctor replied, \"go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness\". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\" She replies, \"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?\"\"Look, I can't prescribe...\"\"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterlyto Hell! You've got to help me.\"The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one.\"\"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold...\" \"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\"\"Um... okay.\"Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife hasdinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, \"I... need...a man...\"His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, \"Me... too..\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. \"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you,\" asked the prosecutor. \"I can't do that,\" the victim replied. \"It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that.\" \"Would it help to just write it down?\" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, \"Please pass that note to the bailiff.\" \"But your honor,\" the juror protested, \"It's a private matter.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, \"Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual.\" Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, \"Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, \"My God, you saved my life!\" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. \"What's the matter, sweetheart?\" she asks, \"We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?\"He says, \"Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?\" \"Sure,\" she says, \"if it will help.\" He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.\"Now would you put on my pants?\" he asks.\"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,\" she says.\"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?\" he asks.\"Whatever you want, sweetie,\" she says, and does.Then he says, \"Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?\" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, \"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, \"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?\"The first man approached him and said, \"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?\"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, \"My wife's first husband.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seenyou in a while. What happened? You look terrible.\"\"What do you mean?\" said the pirate, \"I feel fine.\"\"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\"\"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm finenow.\"\"Well, ok, but what about that hook? \"What happened to your hand?\"\"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.\"\"What about that eye patch?\"\"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked upand one of them S*#t in my eye.\"\"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't lose an eyejust from some bird S*%t.\"\"It was my first day with the hook.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. \"Are you sure this is your house?\" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. \"Shertainly!\" said the drunk, \"and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya.\" Entering the living room, he said, \"You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me.\" The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. \"Thish ish my bedroom,\" he announced. \"Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her? \"Yeah?\" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story. \"Well, thash me!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, \"I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.\" Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, \"Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.\" The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, \"Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary: \n\n\"Two weeks ago,\" I said, \"was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'. \n\n\"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. \n\nAs I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.' \n\n\"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. \n\n\"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' \n\n\"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' \n\n\"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. \n\n\"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: \"Pierre, kiss me!\" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. \"What are you doing, Pierre?\", says the startled Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!\" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, \"Pierre, kiss me lower.\" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. \"Pierre! What are you doing?\", asks the bewildered Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!\" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, \"Pierre, kiss me lower!\" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, \"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?\" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.\n\"Olympic condoms?\", she blurts, \"What makes them so special?\"\n\n\"There are three colors,\" he replies, \"Gold, Silver and Bronze.\"\n\n\"What color are you going to wear tonight?\", she asks cheekily.\n\n\"Gold of course,\" says the man proudly.\n\nThe wife responds, \"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"\"Get this.\" said the English bloke to his mates, \"Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.\"Did he get anything?\" his mates asked.\"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.\"OK,\" the judge said, \"Tell the court why you want a divorce.\"\"Well, your honor,\" Dan started, \"Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.\"\"Surely there must be some difference between the two women.\" the judge said.\"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce.\" he replied."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, \"Watch the wall!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. \"Excuse me\" he says \"But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?\" \"What do you need me to do?\" asks the woman. \"Just stand here and talk to me\" the man replies. \"How's that going to help?\" she asks. \"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: \"Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.\"He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns. His wife asks, \"Did you have a good trip, dear?\" He says, \"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.\"His wife smiles and says, \"Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, \"So ... how was I?\" She said, \"Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!\" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, \"My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?\"Gepetto says, \"What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem.\"About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. \"How was that sandpaper I gave you?\" He asked. \"Are you still having problems with the girls?\"\"Girls?\" Pinocchio asked. \"Who needs girls?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"John receives a phone call. \"Hello,\" he answers. The voice on the other end says, \"This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.\" John: \"Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?\" Susan: \"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.\" John: \"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?\" Susan: \"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.\" John: \"Say, you ARE a good sport.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, \" We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.\"\"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.\"Then the leader said to the group, \"What would you do if you knew youonly had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?\"A gentleman said, \" I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.\"\"Very good!\" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, \"I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.\"\"That\"s wonderful!\" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, \"I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.\"Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, \"Why your mother-in-law's home?\"\"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: \"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.\"Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: \"Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. \"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?\" he said to her.\"I don't know,\" replied the beautiful young woman. \"It depends how personal it is.\"\"OK,\" the guy said. \"How many men have you slept with?\"\"I'm not going to tell you that!\" the woman exclaimed. \"That's my business!\"\"Sorry,\" said the guy, \"I didn't realize you made a living out of it.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.\"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.\"\"But what about afterward?\" asked her friends.\"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. \"Elliot,\" she said, pointing \"do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?\"The husband looked over and nodded.\"Well,\" the woman continued, \"he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!\"The husband returned to his meal. \"Nonsense,\" he said, \"even that's not worth so much celebrating!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. \"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.\" The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. \"Why aren't we going anywhere?\" asked the girl. \"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man looked at him and said, \"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. \"Screw me or climb the ladder to success,\" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. \"Screw me or climb the ladder to success,\" she said. \"Well,\" thought the man, \"might as well carry on.\" On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. \"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,\" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. \"Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success,\" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. \"Who are you?\" the man asked. \"Hello\" said the ugly fat man, \"I'm Cess!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him \"Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it.\" The guy thinks for a minute and says, \"Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. \"I've never been better,\" he replies. \"I've got a twenty-two- year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, \"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.\" \"That's impossible!\" said the old man in disbelief, \"Someone else must have shot that beaver.\" \"EXACTLY!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -\"I want to feel your breasts\" he exclaimed.\"Get away from me, you crazy old man\" she replied.\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,\" he says.\"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!\"\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he stated.\"NO! Get away from me!\"\"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he offered.She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, \"I said NO!\"\"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,\" he claimed.She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....\"Well, OK...but only for a minute.\"She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...\" while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, \"Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?\"While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\" one for March.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. \" Hi, is Tony home?\" \" No, he went to the store.\" \"Well, you mind if I wait?\" \" No, come in.\" They sit down and the friend says \"You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.\" Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says \"They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.\" Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says \"You know, your weird friend Chris came over. \" Tony thinks about this for a second and says \"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says \"But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.\" \"Why?\" asked somebody from the audience. \"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years,\" the expert explained. \"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' \"Did it save time?\" the guy in the audience asked. \"Actually, yes,\" replied the expert. \"It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten...\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was asked to dinner by one of his friends, who he knew was an\nunkempt housekeeper.\n\nWhen he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the\ndirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.\n\n\"Were these dishes ever washed?\" he asked his hostess, running his\nfingers over the grit and grime.\n\nShe replied, \"They're as clean as soap and water could get them.\"\n\nHe felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. It was really\ndelicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.\n\nWhen dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, put them on the ground, and\nyelled, \"Here Soap! Here Water! Come here boys!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. \"What are you doing?\" asked the mom. \"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.\" The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. \"What the hell are you doing?\" he asked. His daughter replied, \"I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.\" The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. \"For Christsakes, what are you doing?\" she cried. The husband replied \"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, \"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.\" In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, \"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?\" Bob thought for a while and said, \"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.\" Jane was shocked, but said, \"I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.\" They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, \"Why do you have all that money in the box?\" Bob answered, \"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.\n\nAs the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, \"Someone should go and tell his wife.\"\n\nBill says, \"OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.\" 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.\n\nCharlie says, \"Where did you get that, Bill?\" \n\n\"Steve's wife gave it to me.\"\n\n\"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?\"\n\nBill says,\"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'\"\n\nShe said, \"No, I'm not a widow.\"\n\nAnd I said, \"Wanna bet me a six-pack?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, \"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.\" The man then replies, \"Yeah, well we were married 35 years.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, \"Stop making love down there!\" \"What's the matter with you?\" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '\"We weren't making love.\" \"Sorry,\" said the sailor, \"From up there it looked like you were.\" Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, \"By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST, FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, \"What may we do for you, my son?\" He answers, \"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.\" \"Very well, my son. Please follow me.\" He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, \"Please knock on this door.\" He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, \"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.\" He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACEYOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . ."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!\" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\" She said, \"Aye, John, what was your toast?\" John Said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.\" \"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John,\" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.\"She said, \"Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, \"Midnight, just like I said.\" She says that was good, but that theyneed a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: \"Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed threetimes, said 'Damn!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two moretimes and then started giggling.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. \"Look, I'll give you GBP100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.\" He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:\"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?\" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, \"Yes.\" The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, \"I thought we had a deal.\" The vicar put the GBP100 into his hand and whispered back, \"She made me a much better offer.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\"The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold, \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?\" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, \"Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean.17 times it was too late.49 times you were too tired.20 times it was too hot.15 times you pretended to be asleep.22 times you had a headache.17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.16 times you said you were too sore.12 times it was the wrong time of month.19 times you had to get up early.9 times you said you weren't in the mood.7 times you were sunburned.6 times you were watching the late show.5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.9 times you said your mother would hear us.Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just laid there.8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.36 times you didn't come home at all.21 times you didn't cum.33 times you came too soon.19 times you went soft before you got in.38 times you worked too late.10 times you got cramps in your toes.29 times you had to get up early to play golf.2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.2 times you had a splinter in your finger.20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.Of the times we did get together:The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, \"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?\"The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for\nhis thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take\nhim up the river to the remote site he where he would make his\ncollections.\n\nAbout noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to\nhear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed\nby this. He asked the guide, \"What are those drums?\" The guide\nturned to him and said, \"Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.\"\n\nThe biologist settled down a little at this, and things went\nreasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing\nup the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped!\n\nThis hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the\nguide, \"The drums have stopped - what happens now?\"\n\nThe guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: \"Bass Solo\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said \"I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.\" The man agreed, and said \"I wish I had a mansion.\" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said \"I would like a million dollars.\" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, \"Scare me half to death.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\" She turns and smiles, and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago.\" He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\" \"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\" She explains, \"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\" \"Very interesting,\" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.\" The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, \"How can you live in this town without any women?\". The bartender replies, \"It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked.\"So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, \"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?\".To which the bartender replies, \"Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?\"\"You'll know tonight.\" he said.That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled \"The meaning of dreams\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, \"Some things I just can't explain.\" The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, \"What do you mean Jim?\".\"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain,\" Jim said. \"Jim, What do you mean by that,\" the Bartender asks. \"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain,\" Jim added. \"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help,\" the Bartender said.\"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if theyhave laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. \"Just how do you guys doit?\" asks Maureen. \"Pretty much the way you do,\" responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for thenight and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie memberabout half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.\"I don't think this is going to work,\" says Maureen.\"Why?\" he asks, \"What's the matter?\"\"Well,\" she replies, \"It's just not long enough to reach me!\"\"No problem,\" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long.\"Well,\" she says, \"That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow....\"\"No problem,\" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman.\"Wow!\" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go theirseparate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks \"Well, was it any good?\"\"I hate to say it,\" says Maureen, \"but it was pretty wonderful. How aboutyou?\"\"It was horrible,\" he replies. \"All I got was a headache. She keptslapping my forehead and pulling my ears.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, \"I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).\"The young jogger says, \"Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?\"The old man says, \"I can't remember where I live.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a mancomes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.\"No\", he said, \"the seat is empty\".\"This is incredible\", said the man. \"Who in their right mind wouldhave a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in theworld, and not use it ?\"Somberly, the man says, \"Well... the seat actually belongs to me. Iwas supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is thefirst Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someoneelse - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?\"The man shakes his head, \"No. They're all at the funeral.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, \"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him.\"His mom is taken by surprise and says, \"Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again.\"The boy says, \"That won't work.\" His mom asks, \"Why?\" The boy replies, \"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?\" The man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Well, that's really sad,\" says Bob, \"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?\"\"No,\" the man replies, \"they're all at the funeral.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. \"But how will I let you know the baby is born?\" she asked. He replied, \"Just send me a postcard and write \"spaghetti\" on the back. I'll take care of expenses.\" Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, \"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.\" The doctor said, \"Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.\" Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: \"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.\"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?\"A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.\"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?\".A second man got up, and he too fitted the description. \"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?\".The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed. \"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise\".A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful. \"You do it only once a year?\", the expert asked.\"Yes, only once a year\".\"So why are you so happy?\", demanded the expert. \"Well\", said the man, cheeringly, \"Tonight is the night!\"..."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily: \"Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!\". The other one answered, even more angry: \"That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys\"..."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\" \"No,\" he replies, \"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.\" The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?\" Bond explains, \"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\" The lady says, \"What's it telling you now?\" \"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.\" The woman giggles and replies, \"Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!\" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, \"Bloody thing's an hour fast.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, \"I'm reading a book and I'm 20.\" Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, \"She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. \"In honor of this holy season,\" Saint Peter said, \"you  must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.\"\n\nThe first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. \"It represents a candle\", he said.\n\n\"You may pass through the pearly gates\". Saint Peter said.\n\nThe second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He  shook them and said, \"They're bells.\"\n\nSaint Peter said \"You may pass through the pearly gates\".\n\nThe third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.\n\nSt. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, \"And just what do those symbolize?\"\n\nThe man replied, \"They're Carols.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer.\", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\" he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was an Englishman,Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.\n\nThe captain said to them \"You're getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. The Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women.\nFinally, the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes, so he goes in with his cigarettes.\n\nThen 50 years later the Englishman comes out of his dungeon drunk, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the Irishman comes out and says\n  'Got a light'?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Al Gore and George W. Bush found themselves in the same barbershop\nat the same time, seated side by side, getting the works. Their\nbarbers finished shaving the two presidential candidates right about\nthe same time and each barber reached for some after shave to slap\non their customers' faces.\n\nBush shouted, \"Hey, don't put that $#!& on me! My wife will think\nI've been in a whorehouse.\"\n\nGore  said calmly to his barber, \"Go ahead and put it on. My wife\ndoesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man comes to the doctor and says: \"Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife\".So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.The guy says: \"No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time\".So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction.\"Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex\", says the man angrily.Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack.\"You see, you Idiot\", says the man to the big-guy with rage, \"this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, \"Are you a real cowboy?\"\n\n\"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am,\" replied the cowboy.\n\nAfter a short while he asked her what she was. \"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,\" said the young woman.\n\nA short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, \"Are you a real cowboy?\"\n\n\"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. \"What's wrong with you?\" she asked him. \"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?\" he replied. \"And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.\" Baffled, she said, \"Yes, I remember. So?\" \"I would have gotten out today.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, \"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?\" \"Well, yes, I did once.\" \"And how did she look?\" \"Oh boy, she looked very angry!\" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. \"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?\" \"She was watching us through the window.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. \n\nThe doorman at the club greets them and says, \"Hey, Clark, how ya doing?\" \n\nJessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. \n\n\"Oh no,\" says Clark. \"He works out at the gym with me.\" \n\nWhen they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser. \n\nJessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, \"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.\" \n\n\"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.\" \n\nA stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. \"Hi Clarky,\" she says, \"want your usual table dance?\" \n\nJessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. \n\nClark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. \n\nThe cabby turns his head and says, \"Looks like you picked up a real cranky one tonight, Clark.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"\"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week.\" \"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy goes to a psychiatrist. \"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?\" The doctor replies: \"It's very simple. You're two tents.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew\n\n\n1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.\n2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.\n3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.\n4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!\n5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.\n6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.\n7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.\n8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.\n9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.\n10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.\n11. Shopping is not sport.\n12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.\n13. You have enough clothes.\n14. You have too many shoes.\n15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.\n16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.\n17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.\n18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.\n19. Yes, going to the bathroom standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.\n20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?\n21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.\n22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.\n23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.\n24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.\n25. Check your oil.\n26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.\n27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.\n28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.\n29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.\n30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.\n31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the          ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.\n32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?\n33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.\n34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.\n35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.\n36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.\n37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.\n38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.\n39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.\n40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Period.\n41. Anyone can buy condoms, even you."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?\nA-Absent\nB-Barely visable \nC-Come in useful\nD-Damn good \nE-Enormous\nF-Fantastic"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Why men can't win...If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, \"AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!\" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, \"Are you ok, dear?\" The lady replies, \"I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.\" The man says, \"You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, \"Watch out for the wall!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, \"Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a wild party.\" \n\nThe pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, \"This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.\" \n\nThe weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, \"What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?\" The guy replies, \"Quick, I need Blue Ice\" (muscle pain relief).\n\nThe pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, \"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your crotch. The skin is way too sensitive.\" \n\nThe guy says, \"No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.\" \n\nPharmacist: \"What?? What happened?\" \n\nGuy replies, \"Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.\" \n\nPharmacist: \"Oh my god, and then what ? \" \n\n\"The girls never showed up!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, \"Have you been drinking, sir?\" \"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?\" \"No,\" replied the policeman, \"you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small\npieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,\nGermany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide\ntelephone network.\n\nNaturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.\nThey ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters\ndown, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that\nthe ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network.\n\nIsraeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters\nunderground, but found absolutely nothing...\n\nThey concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. \n\nHe had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. \n\nOne day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. \n\n\"What's wrong, Bill?\" she asked. \n\n\"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my privates into the pickle slicer?\" \n\n\"Oh, Bill, you didn't.\" \n\n\"Yes, I did.\" \n\n\"My God, Bill, what happened?\" \n\n\"I got fired.\" \n\n\"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?\" \n\n\"Oh...she got fired too.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, \"I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.\"\"You're a brave man,\" said the dentist. \"Now, show me which tooth it is.\"The husband turns to his wife and says, \"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?\" \"How much for a season pass?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, \"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra.\" He laughs and laughs. \n\nThe next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her butt and says \"If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle.\" Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. \n\nThe next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his privates and says, \"If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than \nanything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. \n\nSitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great \nambition. \n \n\"Do you think you could give me some tips?\" he asked. \n The old man looked him up and down and said, \"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.\" \n \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \n \"Sure will,\" said the old-timer. \n The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. \n\n\"That's terrific!\" said the cowboy. \"Got any more tips for me?\" \n \n\"Yep,\" said the old man. \"Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer \n hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.\" \n \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the younger man. \n \"You bet it will,\" said the old-timer. \n The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a \nblur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. \"Wow!\" said the cowboy. \n \"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?\" \n\nThe old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. \"See that axle \ngrease over there? Coat your gun with it.\" \n The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the  barrel of his gun. \n\n\"No,\" said the old-timer, \"I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and \nall.\" \n \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \n \"No,\" said the old-timer, \"but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The ten things a guy knows about a girl:\n\n1.\n2.\n3.\n4.\n5.\n6.\n7.\n8.\n9.\n10. They have breasts."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.\"Dude, it's obvious,\" says the lifeguard, \"you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outtastyle. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - abouttwo sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!\"The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybodyon the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turningaway, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, \"What's wrong now?\"\"JAHEESUS!\" says the lifeguard, \"The potato goes in front!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, \"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.\" \n\nThe man said, \"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.\"\n\nThe Lord said, \"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.\" \n\nThe man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, \"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy.\" \n\nThe Lord replied, \"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"you make woman so beautiful?\" \n\nGod says: \"So you would love her.\" \n\n\"But God,\" the man says, \"why did you make her so dumb?\" \n\nGod says: \"So she would love you.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"THE GAG TEST:Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS:When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS:Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt.  Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.  Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.  Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE:If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS:Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wreckedanyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES:This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.  Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT:           If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD:Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable \"spots\" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.  Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR:Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT:It never spoils. CANNED GOODS:Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS:A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS AND SULTANAS:Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES:Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP:If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS:Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS:You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, \"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?\"The rabbi said, \"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.\"Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, \"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?\"The priest replied, \"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.\"There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, \"Better than pork, isn't it?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy applied to join a nudist club. \"Exactly what do you do here?\" he asked. \n\n\"It's quite simple,\" said the club secretary, \"We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.\" \n\n\"Cool,\" said the guy, \"...count me in!!!\" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. \n\nAs he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, \"Beware of Gays.\" A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing \"Beware of Gays.\" He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. \n\nHe bent over to read the plaque and it said, \"Sorry....You've had two warnings!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. \"Yes,\" she replied readily. \"Tell him Mother didn't come after all.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"\"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.\"\"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, \"I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.\" \"Okay,\" God said, \"I'll create a man for you.\" Eve said, \"A man! What's that?\" \"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.\" \"Sounds great!\" said Eve. \"Oh, and one more thing,\" God said. \"He will want to believe that I made HIM first.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.  All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.  She opens the window and yells to her husband, \"You need more tail.\"  The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, \"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.\n\nWhat the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.\n\nPoliceman: \"License, registration and proof of insurance please.\"\n\nDriver: \"Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.\"\n\nPoliceman: \"Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!\"\n\nDriver: \"Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!\"\n\nThe police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.\n\nPoliceman: \"Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. \n \nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: \"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.\" \n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. \"How long will this take?\" she asks. \n \n\"They'll grow larger over a period of years,\" he replies. \n\nThe wife stops. \"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?\" \n\nWithout missing a beat the husband says, \"Worked for your butt; didn't it?\" \n\nHe lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man..."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what.\n\nSo the the class clown in class raises his had asks, \"Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?\"\n\nThen the teacher responds with, \"Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.  When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.  \"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!\"  The blind man replies: \"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every\nyear Morris would say, \"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane.\" \n \nEsther always replied, \"I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 \ndollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.\" \n \nOne year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, \"Esther, I'm \n85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another \nchance.\" \n \nEsther replied, \"Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is \ndollars is 50 dollars.\" \n \nThe pilot overheard them and said, \"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take \nyou both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not \nsay one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars.\" \n \nMorris and Esther agreed and up they went. \n \nThe pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a \nword was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. \nWhen they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, \"By golly, I did \neverything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.\" \n \nMorris replied, \"Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but \n50 dollars is 50 dollars.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For\nthe first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -\nchickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was\nobvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was\nrunning out of things to amuse him with.\n\nFinally, the uncle had an idea. \"Why don't you grab a gun,\ntake the dogs, and go shooting?\"\n\nThis seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off\nhe went, dogs in trail.\n\nAfter a few hours, the nephew returned.\n\n\"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle.\n\n\"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A black couple was invited to attend a Halloween costume party.  The husband asked his wife to get him a costume.  The first day she came home with a Batman costume.  \"Woman\", he said, \"you know there has never been a black Batman!  I can't wear this!  Get me something more suitable for this party.\"  \n\nSo the next day, he came home to find a Superman costume for him.  \"Woman\", he said again.  \"There has never been a black Superman either.  People will laugh at me if I wear this.  Now get me something I can wear!\"  \n\nOn the third day he came home to find 3 large cottonballs, a white belt, and a 2x4.  \"What is this?\" he asked.  Politely, she said, \"You can attach those cottonballs and go as a domino, you can wrap that belt around your waist and go as an Oreo cookie, or you can shove that 2x4 up your butt and go as a fudgesickle!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A:Nothing, They never met!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time.\"He continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?\"At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, \"How much for a season pass?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, \"Have a rough day?\" The man replies, \"Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!\" The bartender says, \"Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful.\" The man downs the shots and leaves. The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, \"What's wrong today?\" The man replies, \"I just found out my older brother is gay.\" Bartender says, \"Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.\" The man downs his shots and leaves. The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, \"Another rough day?\" The man says, \"Yeah.\" The bartender asks the man, \"Does anyone in your family like women??\" The man says, \"Yeah, my wife.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house. He went to his lil' green shower and turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil' green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green tap, put on a lil' green towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend. The lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green hug! He wanted to give her a \"surprise.\" His lil' green towel went off and the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil' green street screaming, got hit by a lil' green car and died. The rule is: never run across the road when the green man is flashing."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"These two guys meet after not having seen each otherfor many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,\"How have things been going?\" The second guy  speakingvery slowly  tells the first guy,  \"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t      m..a..r..r..i..e..d.\" The first guy says in amazement, \"Hey, you don't stutterany more.\" The answer comes,  \" Y..e..s,   I    w..e..n..t    t..o    a   d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d   h..e    t..o..l..d  m..e   t..h..a..t    i..fI    s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y   I    w..i..l..ln..o..t   s..t..u..t..t..e..r.\"  The first friend congratulates him and then asks againabout how he was almost married.  \"W..e..l..l    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..dI    w..e..r..e   s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n   h..e..rp..o...r..c..h   a..n..d   t..h..e   d..o..g   w..a..ss..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s   b..a..c..ka..n..d  I   t..o..l..d     h..e..r   t..h..a..t   w..h..e..nw..e    a..r..e   m..a..r..r..i..e..d   s..h..e   c..a..nd..o   t..h..a..t    f..o..r   m..e    a..n..d   s..h..et..h..r..e..w   t..h..e     r..i..n..g    i..n     m..yf..a..c..e..\"  \"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?\"asks the first friend. \" W..e..l..l     I     s..p..e..a..ks..o   s..l..o..w..l..y,   t..h..a..t     b..y     t..h..et..i..m..e    s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t   t..h..e    d..o..g,    h..e     w..a..s   l..i..c..k..i..n..gh..i..s    b..a..l..l..s\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.  The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. \"So what are your plans?\" the father asks the young man.  \"I am a Torah scholar,\" he replies.  \"A Torah scholar. Hmmm,\" the father says. \"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?\"  \"I will study,\" the young man replies, \"and God will provide for us.\"  \"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?\" asks the father.  \"I will concentrate on my studies,\" the young man replies, \"God will provide for us.\"  \"And children?\" asks the father. \"How will you support children?\"  \"Don't worry, sir, God will provide,\" replies the fiancee.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.  Later, the mother asks, \"How did it go, Honey?\"  The father answers, \"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch \nwatching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by \ncarrying something big under his arm. He yells out \"Hey boy, \nwhatcha got there?\" \n The boy yells back \"Roll of chicken wire.\" \n The old man says \"What you gonna do with that?\" \n The boy says \"Gonna catch some chickens.\" \n The old man yells \"You damn fool, you can't catch chickens \nwith chicken wire!\" \n The boy just laughs and keeps walking. \n That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old \nman's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with \nabout 30 chickens caught in it. \n Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise \nand he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in \nhis hand. \n The old man yells out \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" \n The boy yells back \"Roll of duck tape.\" \n The old man says \"What you gonna do with that?\" \n The boy says back \"Gonna catch me some ducks.\" \n The old man yells back, \"You damn fool, you can't catch ducks \nwith duck tape!\" \n The boy just laughs and keeps walking. \n That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the \nold man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll \nof duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. \n Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying\nwhat looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. \n The old man says \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" \n The boy says \"It's a pussy willow.\" \n The old man says \"Wait up.... I'll get my hat\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar..\n  The bartender thinks to himself, \"I know this isn't possible\"\n  \"OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!\"  the bartendar told John\n\nJohn took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, \"You owe me 200.00!!!\n\n   The next day John came to the bar again.  He had a new bet for the bartender!!  \"I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can pee in this shoot glass and get every drop in?\n    The bartender thought to himself again,\" No way can he do this!\"\n\n\"OK I'll bet you!\" said the bartender.\n\n  He starts peeing all over the bar, the tables, the chairs, everywhere.\n\n\"HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!\" said the bartender.\n\nJohn said, \"Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there?  I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could pee on your bar without you getting mad!!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a building site.  \nThe first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman. The conversation starts. \nForeman - \"so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day\".\nPaddy - \"that would be 200 brick in a day sir\".\nForeman - \"good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?\"\n\nNow, Paddy had a look at the foreman and it was obvious, very obvious there was something strange.  His right ear was quite high on one side of his head and the left ear was quite low on the other side of his head.\n\nPaddy - \"surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there\".\n\nForeman - \" We'll at least your honest about it Paddy.  You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job\".\n\nNext Paddy walks in, same questions.\n\n\"How many bricks can you lay in a day paddy?\"\n\n\"200 bricks sir\"\n\nForeman - \"good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?\"\n\nPaddy - \"surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there\".\n\nForeman - \" We'll at least your honest about it Paddy.  You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job\".\n\nThe third Paddy walks in to see the foreman.\n\nForeman - \"So then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day.\"\n\nPaddy - \"400 bricks a day sir\"\n\nForeman - \"By Jesus, 400 a day. I never heard of any man lay 400 bricks a day.\"\n\nPaddy - \"Oh, ask any man in Ireland, 400 a day I tell you sir.\"\n\nForeman - \"thats unbeleiveable Paddy. Now obviously I want to give you the job, but, I have to tell you, I admire honesty in a man so take a look at me and tell me do you notice anything strange about me.\"\n\nPaddy has a long hard look.\n\nPaddy - \" No sir, nothing strange\"\n\nForeman - \"Come on paddy, honestly, what do you notice\".\n\nPaddy - \"No sir nothing strange.\"\n\nForeman - \"Now Paddy, I can't give you the job if you don't be honest, go on have a good look.\"\n\nPaddy stares at him insanely, and then notices something.\n\nPaddy - \"A sir, I notice\".\n\nForemann - \"Yes Paddy\"\n\nPaddy - \" You'd be wearing contact lenses\".\n\nUnexpectedly the foreman enquires.\n\nForeman - \"My word Paddy, that's amazing, how observant of you. How did you ever notice that.\"\n\nPaddy - \"We'll Sir, were the feck would you find a pair of glasses to fit a head like that\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, \"Is this a union house?\" \"No,\" she replied, \"I'm sorry, it isn't.\" \"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.\" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, \"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House.\" The man asked, \"And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00.\" \"That's more like it!!!\" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. \"I'd like her for the night.\" \"I'm sure you would, sir,\" said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, \"but Ethel here has seniority.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: \"Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.\"The man then replies: \"Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years.  Oneday Larry said to Joe, \"You know man its been a long time since we hadsome sex so you oughta let me screw you.\"Joe replied.  \"Are you crazy?!!\"Larry went on to say, \"I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.  They flipped a coin and Larry won.Still having strong reservation Joe asked, \"How will you tell if it hurts or not?\"Larry told Joe, \"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing.\" Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,Moooooooo....  Moooooo...  Mooooon River"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. \n''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked. \n\n''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' \n\n''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John. \n\n''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a pair of patent leather shoes. After seeing how mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then tells her, \"You are wearing red panties.\" She asks how does he know? He looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, \"You are wearing blue panties.\" She asks how does he know this?  He then looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks Clotilde if she is wearing any panties..  She replies, \"No\"  He says, \"Thank God, I thought my patent leather shoes were cracked.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by\na tax agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of\n$80,000 for the year.\n\n\"Why don't you people leave me alone?\" the deli owner said. \"I work\nlike a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only\nclosed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?\"\n\n\"It's not your income that bothers us,\" the agent said. \"It's these\ntravel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your\nwife.\"\n\n\"Oh, that,\" the owner said smiling. \"It is a legitimate business\nexpense - we deliver!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Men are like a deck of cards....You need a heart to love themA Diamond to marry themA Club to beat themAnd a spade to bury the bastards"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past\nOle's house and saw a sign that said \"Boat For Sale.\" \n\nThis confused\nSven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally\ndecided to go in and ask Ole about it.\n\n\"Hey Ole,\" said Sven, \"I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat\nFor Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old\nJohn Deere tractor and combine.\"\n\nOle replied, \"Yup, and they're boat for sale.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"\"May I take your order?\" the waiter asked.\n\n\"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?\"\n\n\"Nothing special sir,\" he replied. \"We just tell them straight out\nthat they're going to die.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, \"Today I\nam going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of\noutstanding natural beauty, with majestic mountains, beautiful pristine\nlakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high\ncliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and\nscenic rivers stocked with salmon.\"\n\nGod continued, \"I shall make the land rich in oil so the inhabitants\nprosper, and they shall be called Canadians, and they shall be known as\nthe friendliest people on the earth.\"\n\n\"But Lord\", said Gabriel, \"surely you are being too generous to these\nCanadians?\"\n\n\"Not really\", replied God. \"Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.\"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\"As Lars is leaving, he stops. \"Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.\"Not a problem,\" says Sam. \"After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.\"Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"Sam says, \"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Lars turns from the door. \"More'n likely be some wild sex, too.\"\"Now that's really not a problem,\" says Sam, warming to the idea. \"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?\"Lars stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with\nhis coffee. \"This coffee,\" he said loud enough for most of the other\npatrons to hear, \"is going to be pretty hot to stir with my\nfingers.\"\n\nThe waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and\nreturned shortly with another cup of coffee.\n\n\"This one isn't so hot, sir,\" he beamed."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man ducked into confession with a turkey in his arms. \"Forgive me,\nFather, for I have sinned,\" he said. \"I stole this turkey to feed my\nfamily. Would you please take it and settle my guilty conscience?\"\n\n\"Certainly not,\" said the Priest. \"As penance, you must return it to\nthe one from whom you stole it.\"\n\n\"I tried,\" Brian sobbed, \"but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I\ndo?\"\n\n\"If what you say is true,\" the Priest said, \"then it is all right for\nyou to keep it for your family.\"\n\n\"Oh thank-you, Father,\" the man said, and hurried off.\n\nWhen confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he\nwalked in, the housekeeper came rushing up to him. \"Father, it's\nterrible!\" she cried.\n\n\"What has happened?\" asked the Priest.\n\nThe housekeeper replied, \"Someone has stolen the turkey right out of\nyour refrigerator!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man went to the doctor and said, \"Doctor, I've got a problem, but if \n you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.\"\n \n\n\"Of course I won't laugh,\" the doctor said. \"I'm a professional. In\n over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.\"\n \n\"Okay then,\" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, \n revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen. \n Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten \n minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his \n composure.\n \n \"I'm so sorry,\" he said. \"I don't know what came over me. On my honor \n as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what \n seems to be the problem?\" \n \n \"It's swollen.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, \"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.\"\"From now on,\" he said, \"we're going to run this house the same way.\" \"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night.\" The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, \"Bell 1!\" and his wife took off her clothes. \"Bell 2,\" and his wife jumped into bed. \"Bell 3,\" and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, \"Bell 4!\"\"What the hell is Bell 4?\" the husband asks. \"Roll out more hose,\" she replied, \"you're nowhere near the fire!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinationthe same day so they could travel together.  After the examination, thedoctor then said to the man: \"You appear to be in good health.  Do youhave any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"\"In fact, I do,\" said the man.  \"After I have sex with my wife thefirst time, I am usually hot and sweaty.  And then, after I have sexwith my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.\"\"This is very interesting,\" replied the doctor.  \"Let me do someresearch and get back to you.\"  After examining the elderly lady, thedoctor said: \"Everything appears to be fine.  Do you have any medicalconcerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.  The doctorthan asked:  \"Your husband had an unusual concern.  He claims that heis usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you andcold and chilly after the second time.... \"Do you know why?\"\"Oh that old buzzard!\" she replied.  \"That's because the first time isusually in July and the second time is usually in December.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first teeandthe fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it tohim!\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns amulti-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of hisfriends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is astockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entireportfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of takingcare of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about oursons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gaybar.\" The other three men grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His lastthree boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stockportfolio.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,\"I slept with your mother!\"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, \"I slept with your mother!!\"The other turned to him and replied,\"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, \"How did you manage to get here today past your wife?\"The second man said, \"It wasnt easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?\"\"Well,\" the second man replied, \"I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom.\"Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today.\"Easy,\" said the third man. \"I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse.' and she replied back, \" You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold\"   PM"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"TOP TEN PLACES/TIMES NOT TO GET A WOODY10. With your wife, visiting her sister.9. Golfing with the guys.8. With your wife, and accidently run into your ex-girlfriend.7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.3. In front of your childs 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show and tell.2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you. And the number one time never to get a woody is:1. Your best friend on a guys night out, asks you, \"Hey what do you want to do tonight?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,\"I can't believe you missed that putt!\" \"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'.\"The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, \"yes dear, but it was much harder!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, \"You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here.\"So the newfie replied, \"That sounds good.\"So then the Shiek said, \"There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour.\"The newfie replies, \"piece of cake.\"\"In the second tent,\" the Shiek said, \"there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled.\"The Newfie replies, \"EASY.\"\"And in the third tent,\" the Shiek says, \"there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her.\"The Newfie replies, \"Not a problem\"So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, \"Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent.\"So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, \"NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him. The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with baked potato.\nAbout halfway through dinner he called the waitress over and said,\n\"Ma'am, this potato is bad.\"\n\nShe nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it\nback on his plate and said, \"Sir, if that potato causes any more\ntrouble, you just let me know.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says \"You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.\"So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. \"Excuse me sir\" he starts, \"but I noticed you look just like me!\" The second man turns around and says \"Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?\"\"I'm from Dublin\" came the reply.\"Me too! What street do you live on?\"\"McCarthy street\"The second man replies, \"Me too! What number is it?\"\"162\" the first man replies.\"Me too! What are your parents names?\"\"Connor and Shannon\"The second man, almost dumbfounded says, \"Mine too! This is unbelievable!\" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks \"What's new today?\"\"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man replied thatthere was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, \"What isthe matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man again replied that he felt great.The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into theexamining room and saw him the doctor said, \"My god, you look terrible.\"The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terriblebut that he felt great. The doctor said, \"Are you sure you feel great?\" The man reiterated thathe definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book andlooked up \"looks terrible\". After he found that he looked up thesubsection \"feels great\". The doctor said, \"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feelsgreat'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,\"Tell me, what is it?\" The doctor replied, \"According to my book... you're a vagina!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.On their wedding night, she goes into the  bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of theroom, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.\"What happened?\" she asks.\"I've never been with a woman,\" he says, \"but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his familyincluding his mother-in-law.During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George'smother-in-law died.With the death certificate in hand, George went to the AmericanConsulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to theStates for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law  toldGeorge that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues,  in most cases the person responsible for theremains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost$150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, \"I don't care how much itwill cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,\"The Consul, after hearing this, says \"You must have loved yourmother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.\"\"No, it's not that,\" says George. \"You see, I know of a case  manyyears ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem.  On the thirdday he arose from the dead!  I just can't take that chance.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:\n\n\"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.\"\n\nReturning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:\n\n\"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said \"oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk.\" The second guy said \"oh, the woman fight, well im going gay.\" Then the third guy said \"Does anyone have a lighter?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: \"well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12\". The kid says: \"well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve\". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: \"you didn't tell me you were such a religious person\", and he leans back and says: \"you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There was an Englishman,an Irishman  and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scotishman says \"Oh god i've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i'll jump off this cliff\".So the  Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i'll jump with ya Scottishman.\"So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i'll join you two guys\".So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches.\"Oh crap,\"says the scottishman,\"i've got ham!\". So he jumps off the cliff.\"Oh bugger,\"says the Englishman,\"i've got beef again!\".So he jumps off the cliff.The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says\"Bollocks! i've got tuna again!\". So he jumps off too. At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says\"I only made him beef because i thought he liked it\".And the Scottish wife says\"Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it\".Then the Irish wife says\"Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!\".l"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Tower: \"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7\"\n\nEastern 702: \"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure -- by the\nway, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far\nend of the runway.\"\n\nTower: \"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on\n124.7, did you copy the report from Eastern?\"\n\nContinental 635: \"Cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes we copied\nEastern and we've already notified our caterers.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says \"My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says \"don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill. The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home. When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. \"just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself\". The man replies \"No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says \"Wait one minute theres $40 here! The guy looks at her and says \" Oh yea, he crapped in my pants too!"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.\n\"Where have you been all night?\" she demands.\n\n\"At this new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. \nIt's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!\"\n\nThe wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the\nphone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.\nShe calls up the place to check her husband's story.\n\n\"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the  phone.\n\"Yes it is,\" bartender answers.\n\"Do you have huge golden doors?\"\n\"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\"\n\"Most certainly do.\"\n\"What about golden urinals?\"\nThere's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,  \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had. She replied, \"I \ndon't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.\"\n\nThe clerk said, \"Madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him.\" The woman purchased the dog food anyway and left. \n\nThis continued daly for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of \nbread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, \"No, my husband passed away several weeks ago.\" The clerk said, \"I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. \n\nThe woman said, \"Oh,  the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was chasing one car  and was hit by a another.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up.\nOne woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: \"Our deepest sympathy.\"\n\n\tBut she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, \"Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. \n\nThe first man said, \"I wish I was with my  family\" and *poof* he was with his family. \n\nThe second guy said \"I wish I was in a bar with my friends\" and *poof* he was gone. \n\nThe third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, \"What's wrong?\" \"The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here.\"\n\nPoof, his two friends were back on the island."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Man's World!\n\n How many men does it take to open a beer?\nNone. It should be opened by the time she brings it.\n--------------------------------------\nWhy is a Laundromat a really bad place\nto pick up a woman?\nBecause a woman who can't even afford\na washing machine will probably\nnever be able to support you.\n-------------------------------------\nWhy do women have smaller feet than men?\nIt's one of those \"evolutionary things\"\nthat allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.\n------------------------------------\nHow do you know when a woman is about\nto say something smart?\nWhen she starts her sentence with\n\"A man once told me...\"\n---------------------------------\nHow do you fix a woman's watch?\nYou don't. There is a clock on the oven.\n---------------------------------\nWhy do men break wind more than women?\nBecause women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.\n---------------------------------\nIf your dog is barking at the back door\nand your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?\nThe dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.\n-----------------------------------\nWhat's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?\nA woman that won't do what she's told.\n------------------------------------\nI married Miss Right.\nI just didn't know her first name was Always.\n------------------------------------\nI haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:\nI don't like to interrupt her.\n-----------------------------------\nScientists have discovered a food\nthat diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.\nIt's called a Wedding Cake.\n-----------------------------------\nMarriage is a 3-ring circus:\nEngagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.\n------------------------------------\nOur last fight was my fault:\nMy wife asked me \"What's on the TV?\"\nI said, \"Dust!\"\n-----------------------------------\nIn the beginning,\nGod created the earth and rested.\nThen God created Man and rested.\nThen God created Woman.\nSince then, neither God nor Man has rested.\n----------------------------------------\nWhy do men die before their wives?\nThey want to.\n----------------------------------------\nA beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,\n\"I haven't eaten anything for days.\"\nShe looked at him and said, \"God, I wish I had your willpower.\"\n---------------------------------------\nYoung Son:\n\"Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some\nparts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?\"\nDad:\nThat happens in every country, son.\n--------------------------------------\nA man inserted an advertisement in the classified:\n\"Wife Wanted.\"\nThe next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:\n\"You can have mine.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman went to the hospital to have her baby. When she was adjusted, the doctor came in and said, \"We have a new program where the father feels the pain\". After about half an hour into labor the father said, \"This is cool, I don't feel anything\". The next day they came home from the hospital and found the milkman dead on the doorstep."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.\" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the guy, \"What's wrong?\" The small white guy says, \"Excuse me but what did you say?\"   The big dude looks down and says \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.\" The small guy says, \"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said \"You know that was really descent of you to do that\". So the other guy said \"Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction,they spotted a truck carrying aload of rolled up lawn turfPaddy says to Mick \"aye thats what i,m going to do when I win the lottery\"Mick says \"whats that then Paddy?\"Paddy replies \"send my grass away forcutting\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman gets on a bus holding her baby.\n\n\"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen,\" says the bus driver.\n\nIn a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle\nseat near the rear of the bus.\n\nThe man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what's\nwrong.\n\n\"The bus driver insulted me!\" she shouts.\n\nThe man replies, \"Well, he's a public servant and shouldn't say\nthings to insult passengers!\"\n\nYou're right,\" says the woman. \"I think I'll go back up there and\ngive him a piece of my mind!\"\n\n\"That's a good idea,\" the man replies. \"Here, let me hold your\nmonkey.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This guy who goes to a pub and asks the bar tender for 10 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no thats too much\". The guy tells the bar tender he just found out his brothers gay,  so the bar tender says thats understandable. so he gives the guy 10 shots of tequilla. \n\nThe next day the same guy goes to the pub again and asks the bar tender for 20 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no way, that's too much\". The guy says, \"i just found out that my son's gay\". \n\nSo the bar tender says thats understandable\", and gives him 20 shots of tequilla. Now the next day the same guy goes to the bar again and asks the bar tender for 30 shots of tequilla. \n\nThe bar tender at this stage gets angry and says to the guy, \"what's the matter, does no one in ya house like women\", to which the guy replies, \"yeah my wife\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, \"Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!\" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, \"And the weather here is always good.\" A tear begins to form in the man's eye. St. Peter says, \"And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf.\" A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye. St. Peter hurriedly says, \"And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here.\" The man is now sniffling. St. Peter then says, \"And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens.\" The man is now sobbing uncontrollably. St. Peter asks, \"Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?\" The man answers, \"If my wife hadn't fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.\n\n\"Don't play with your food,\" one second-grader cited.\n\n\"Don't be loud,\" said another, and so on.\n\n\"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?\" the priest inquired of one little boy.\n\nWithout batting an eye, the child replied, \"Order something cheap.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"How Dogs and Men Are the Same1. Both take up too much space on the bed.2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.3. Both mark their territory.4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.7. Neither does any dishes.8. Both fart shamelessly.9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.10. Both like dominance games.11. Both are suspicious of the postman.12. Neither understands what you see in cats.How Dogs Are Better Than Men1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).7. You can train a dog.8. Dogs are easy to buy for.9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means.11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. \"Wasn't always that way,\" the buddy says. \"It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent.\" So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, \"I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand.\" They go back to the restroom to compare. \"No wonder,\" his buddy says, \"That's my old one!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent \"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?\" \"About 35\" was the reply. \"I'm actually 47 years old\" the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is \"Oh, you look about 29\" This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies \"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.\" Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says \"You are 47 years old.\" Stunned the man says, \"That was brilliant. How did you do that?\" The old lady replies, \"I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Men are like.....Floor tile.Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets.Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds.They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots.The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels.They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.Men are like.....Curling irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Mini skirts.If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like.....Bananas.The older they get, the less firm they are."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. \"I'm sorry,\"\nshe said, \"Mr. Bradford's on another line.\"\n\n\"This is Mr. Ingram's office,\" the caller said. \"We'd like to know if\nhe's bullish or bearish right now.\"\n\n\"He's talking to his wife,\" the secretary replied. \"Right now I'd say\nhe's sheepish.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man sent his clothing out to the local laundry. When it came back\nthere were still stains on his underwear. The next week he enclosed a\nnote saying, \"Use more soap on underwear.\"\n\nThis went on for several weeks, with the underwear returning stained,\nand the man sending the note, \"Use more soap on underwear.\"\n\nFinally the laundry came back with a note from the laundry man:\n\n\"Use more paper on rear.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A screenwriter came home to a burned down house. His sobbing and\nslightly singed wife was standing outside. \"What happened, honey?\" the\nman asked.\n\n\"Oh, John, it was terrible,\" she wept. \"I was cooking when the phone\nrang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice\nthe stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is\ngone. All our family pictures were destroyed. Yearbooks, trophies... I\nnearly didn't make it out of the house. I have no idea where the dog\nis...\"\n\n\"Whoa there, back up a minute!\" the man said. \"My agent called?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. \n\nAfter a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. \n\nThe boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.\n\nAs the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. \"So\" the wife says, \"what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?\" \n\n\"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, \"by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.  \n\"Eighty dollars,\" the dentist says.  \n\n\"That's a ridiculous amount,\" the man says. \"Isn't there a cheaper way?\"  \n\n\"Well,\" the dentist says, \"if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.\"  \n\n\"That's still too expensive,\" the man says.  \n\n\"Okay,\" says the dentist. \"If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.\"  \n\n\"Nope,\" moans the man, \"it's still too much.\"  \n\n\"Hmm,\" says the dentist, scratching his head. \"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.\"  \n\n\"Marvelous,\" says the man, \"book my wife for next Tuesday!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\"  \nGeorge replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done.\"  \n\n\"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"That's incredible!\" \n\nA little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said, \"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?\" \n\nGeorge's wife exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was in a terrible accident, and his \"manhood\" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. \n\nThe doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. \n\n\"Well, what have the two of you decided?\" asked the doctor. \n\nThe man answered, \"She'd rather remodel the kitchen.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says \"Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks.\"\nThe bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks:\n\"If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?\" \n\nImmediately the frog replies, \"I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb\nover the meat as he is carrying the plate.\n\n\"Are you crazy?\" yelled the customer, \"you have your hand on my\nsteak!\"\n\n\"What,\" answers the waiter, \"you want it to fall on the floor\nagain?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched bya midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guydoesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. \"Wow!\" comments the midget. \"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!\" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. \"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,\" says the little fellow, \"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?\" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on theman's balls, and says, \"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!\" ** Shibu **"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says: \"Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?\"The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?He says: \"One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.\"The first guy says: \"That could be a problem. I'll go over.\" He gets about half way there and comes back.The second guy asks what's wrong?The first guy answers: \"Small world!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t\nripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and\nshe`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,\n\"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?\"\n\nHer neighbor replies, \"Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to\ndo. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and\ntake all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll\nbe embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll\nsee.\"\n\nWell, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it\nworked.\n\n\"So-so,\" she answers. \"The tomatoes are still green but the\ncucumbers are all four inches longer.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man was in an airplane, and waiting for the men's room to be free. After Half an hour, he asked a flight attendent if he could use the lady's restroom. The women said yes but told him not to touch to the buttons on the wall. He then went in the cabin. On the wall next to him were for buttons. He couldn't resist and pressed on the first one. Water started spraying from the toilet, cleaning his ass. He was so amazed by that, that he pushed on the second button. Then it was hot air that came out of the toilet, drying his ass. Astonished by that cool technology, he pressed on the third button. Powder popped out, leaving his buttocks soft and smelling good. He finally looked at the last button. The letters A.T.R. were inscribed on it. Without even asking himself what it ment, he pressed on it. Ne next thing he knew, he was in a hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses. His waist war wrapped in a tissue and there was blood everywhere. He looked at one of the doctors and asked him what happened. The doctor told him that he pressed on the A.T.R. button. The man asked him what it standed for. The doctor ansewred: \"Automatic Tampon Remover.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar.\" The others grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. \"Doctor, you must help me,\" she pleaded. \"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.\"\n\n\"I see,\" nodded the psychiatrist. \"And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.\"\n\n\"NO!!!\" exclaimed the nurse. \"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\"  \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\"\"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper.\"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside.\"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\"So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\"\"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,\"Afternoon sir\", the ranger says, \"You got an Alabama duck hunting license\"?\"Yes I do\", the redneck replies.The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, \"Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?\"\"Yes I do sir\" , the redneck says,So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, \"well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?\"\"Yes I do sir\" the good ole boys says.\"Well dang son where you from?\" the ranger says.The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:\"Well you tell me buddy!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bob says to Lester, \"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.\" Lester says, \"So what you gonna do different this year?\" Bob says, \"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. \n\nAs he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. \n\nHe looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man looks at him and says, \"I pilot!\" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" The aide hustles the young man off. \n\nThe general looks at the second young man and asks, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \"I chop wood!\" \"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \n\n\"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" \n\nThe young man rolls his eyes and says, \"Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. \"Hey,\" says the lone hunter, \"I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.\" After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, \"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!\" \"Yep,\" the other added, \"but we're gittin' further away from the truck....\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee.  He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, \"Is that Jesus?\"  The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, \"Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay.\" A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea.  He then asks the waitress, \"Hey... is that Jesus over there?\"  The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, \"Give 'im a cup of tea... on me.\" A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches.  He says, \"Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke.  Holy smokes... is that Jesus?\"  The waitress says, \"Sure is.\"  So, the Redneck says, \"Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab.\"  Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\"  The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door.  Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\"  The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door.  Jesus walks over to the Redneck.  Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, \"Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don  't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to \"bruise\" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with yourfingers covering the label.ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job thatshould be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, asthey tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the firstdate.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: \"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.\"3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say \"Monday.\" If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her toschool on time.THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.WEDDINGS1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say \"yes\" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largesttires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, \"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.\" \n\nHe looks at her and says angrily, \"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \n\n\"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.\" \n\nTo which he replied, \"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \n\n\"Fine,\" she says, \"Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.\" \n\n\"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,\" he says. \"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!\" \n\nSo he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. \"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?\" \n\nShe said, \"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.\" \n\nHe said, \"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?\" \n\nShe replied, \"Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced \"Bear.\" Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, \"Shot with a .308 rifle.\" He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, \"Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, \"I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?\" His wife angrily replied, \"I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, \"Skunk, killed with an axe.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tellsLuther, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only thisyear I'm gonna do it a little different!The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three yearsago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline gotpregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlinedidn't get pregnant again.\"Luther asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that'sdifferent?\"Billy Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Earline with me.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of \"Guess the Animal\".  The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat.  \"Okay, boys and girls,\" she said brightly, \"can anyone tell me what this is?\"  \"I know, I know, it's a cat!\"  yelled a little boy.\"Very good, Eddie.  Now, who knows what this animal is called?\"  \"That's a dog!\" piped up the same little boy.\"Right, again.  And what about this animal?\" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.Silence fell over the class.  After a minute or two, the teacher said, \"I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father\".\"I know, I know,\" screamed Eddie.  It's a horny bastard!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A Jewish family invited their redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and their hostess announced, \"This is soup made with matzo balls.\" Seeing two large matzo balls in the soup, the redneck man was very hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. The Jewish couple gently urged him to try it. \"Just give it a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it,\" they said reassuringly. Finally, he agreed to give it a try. He dug his spoon in, picked up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and gingerly tasted it. The usual 'mmmm' sound could be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. \"I must say, that was quite delicious,\" he said, \"but I was wondering....Are there other parts of the matzo you can eat?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"karl was telling his buddies back on the farm about his first visit to a big city church. \"When I got there, they made me park my old pick-up in the corral,\" he began. \"You mean in the parking lot,\" interrupted Jeb, a more worldly fellow. \"Then I walked up the trail to the door,\" karl continued. \"The sidewalk to the door,\" Jeb corrected. \"Inside the door, I was met by some dude,\" karl went on. \"That would be the usher,\" explained Jeb. \"Well, the usher led me down the chute,\" said karl. \"You mean the aisle,\" Jeb said. \"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,\" continued karl. \"Pew,\" retorted Jeb. \"Yeah,\" karl recalled. \"That's exactly what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Arkansas State Residency Application  ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. \"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love tohis mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector\", says the Coroner. \"Second body: \"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.\" The Inspector asked, \"What of the third body?\" \"Ah,\" says the coroner, \"this is the most unusual one.  Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.\" \"Why is he smiling then?\" inquires the Inspector. \"Thought he was having his picture taken.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, \"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.\" Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because \"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.\" The choir is known as the \"OK Chorale.\" In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as \"Branding.\" There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and areembroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"You might be a Redneck Jedi if...You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\"Your Jedi robe is camouflage.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of BudLight.At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgumskeeters.Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so youdidn't have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to thedark side...it'll be a hoot.\"You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of yourland-speeder.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Dukeshorts.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to getin through the window.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba theHutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwooddeck.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day in the great state of Alabama a man walks outside and hears this strange noise coming from one of his trees. He proceeds to walk over to his tree and looks up in the tree to find the source of this noise. What he finds is a large gorilla moving around in the top of his tree trying to get comfortable. The man stops and thinks to himself, \"How on earth am i going to get this gorilla out of my tree? There aren't any gorilla catchers in Alabama are there?\"The man walks inside his house and gets his phone book and is looking in the animal control section and low and behold there actually is a gorilla catcher listed, so the man picks up the phone and calls the number. He reaches the gorilla catcher who says that he'll be there in ten minutes. The gorilla catcher shows up in a big truck with a tool box in the back and a very large dog sitting on top of the tool box and a very large cage sitting in back of the tool box.  The gorilla catcher gets out of his truck and walks up to the man and shakes hands with him. The man then shows the gorilla catcher the tree and points up at the gorilla. After looking at the gorilla for a minute, the gorilla catcher walks back over to his truck and gets old Clyde off the tool box and gets out a gun and walks back over to the tree and sits the gun down next to old Clyde. The gorilla catcher looks over at the man and says, \"Here's the plan. I'm gonna climb this here tree and knock the gorilla out. When the gorilla hits the ground old Clyde here's gonna bite him in the nuts and hold on 'til I can get out of the tree and put the gorilla in the cage. Any questions?\"The man can't think of any so the gorilla catcher starts making his way up the tree. When the catcher gets almost halfway up the tree the man notices the shotgun next to old Clyde. He quickly calls up to the gorilla catcher and says, \"Hey, what's the gun for?\"The gorilla catcher replies, \"OH, that's in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, I want u to shoot old Clyde before i hit the ground.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Dear son, \nIm writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address.\n\nThat coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets.\n\nYour sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle.\n\nThree of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down.\n\nPlease write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one.\n\nLove, ma"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"IN GENERAL\n1. Never take a beer to a job interview.\n2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.\n3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.\n4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.\n5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. \n\nDINING OUT\n1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to \"bruise\" the fruit of the vine.\n2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. \n\nENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME\n1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a \n taxidermist.\n2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his \n manners are. \n\nPERSONAL HYGIENE\n1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should \n be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.\n2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. \n However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.\n3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they\n  tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her\n finger foods.\n\nDATING (Outside the Family)\n1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.\n2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: \"I've been wanting to\n go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom\n wall two years ago.\"\n3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will\n say 10:00 PM; Others might say \"Monday.\" If the latter is the answer, \n it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. \n\nTHEATER ETIQUETTE\n1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately\n after the movie has ended.\n2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven \n they can't hear you. \n\nWEDDINGS\n1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.\n2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds \n may get you shot.\n3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a\n cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.\n4. Though uncomfortable, say \"yes\" to socks and shoes for this special \n occasion. \n\nDRIVING ETIQUETTE\n1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is\n loaded, and the deer is in sight.\n2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.\n3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.\n4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.\n5. Do not have sex while traveling in a funeral procession."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbingdiscovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become  romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas. So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, butPat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolateand seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the followingchildren: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba BubbaMohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin BouditMohammed Forrest Gumpa BubbaMohammed Rubba Dub Dubba BubbaBobbie Joe Bubba Amgood AtatBetty Jean Hasbeena BadgurlLinda Sue Bin There Dundat Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to havesprung from one couple:      Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of themsuddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, \"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?\"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, \"Just take it easy andfollow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.\"There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, \"Okay, he's dead.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.\n\n2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.\n\n3. Open a beer and drink it.\n\n4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.\n\n5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.\n\n6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.\n\n7. Place drain pan under engine.\n\n8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.\n\n9. Give up and use crescent wrench.\n\n10. Unscrew drain plug.\n\n11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.\n\n12. Clean up.\n\n13. Have another beer while oil is draining.\n\n14. Look for oil filter wrench.\n\n15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.\n\n16. Beer.\n\n17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.\n\n18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.\n\n19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.\n\n20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.\n\n21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.\n\n22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.\n\n23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.\n\n24. Remember drain plug from step 11.\n\n25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.\n\n26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.\n\n27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.\n\n28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.\n\n29. Begin a cussing fit.\n\n30. Throw wrench.\n\n31. Cuss and complain.\n\n32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.\n\n33. Beer.\n\n34. Beer.\n\n35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.\n\n36. Beer.\n\n37. Lower car from jack stands\n\n38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands\n\n39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.\n\n40. Test drive car\n\n41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.\n\n42. Car gets impounded.\n\n43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.\n\nMoney Spent:\n\n$50 parts\n\n$12 beer\n\n$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!\n\n$1000 Bail\n\n$200 Impound and towing fee\n\nTotal: $1337"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"DEAR REDNECK SON,  I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.  This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.  The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days.  About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.  John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.  Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.  Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.  Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.  There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.  Love, Mom  P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a\nsmall island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.\n\n\"Who is it on that island?\" a passenger asks the captain.\n\n\"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like\nthat.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was \"TIMBUKTU\".  The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:  Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu.  The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.  Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:  Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.  The redneck won hands down."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, \"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard    \""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The father says: \"They are Making a puppy\". So they walk on and go home.A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: \"Daddy, what are you doing?\" The father replies: \"Making a baby\". The little boy says: \"Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, \"Well what should we do about this?\"Dad looked at her and said, \"Well, I don't think you should spank him.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:'You Were an Accident''Strangers Have the Best Candy''The Little Sissy Who Snitched''Some Kittens Can Fly!''The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion''How to Dress Sexy for Grownups''Getting More Chocolate on Your Face''Where Would You Like to Be Buried?''Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her''The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!''All Dogs Go to Hell''The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking''When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It''Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia''What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?''Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?''Bi-Curious George''Daddy Drinks Because You Cry''Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver''You Are Different and That's Bad''Why God Burned Down Disney Land'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of \nthis.\n\nTeacher: \"Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can \nleave early today.\"\n\nLittle Johnny says to himself, \"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question.\" \n\nTeacher: \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" \n\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, \"Abraham Lincoln.\" \n\nTeacher: \"That's right Susie, you can go home.\" \n\nJohnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. \n\nTeacher: \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" \n\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, \"Martin Luther King.\" \n\nTeacher: \"That's right Mary, you can go.\" \n\nJohnny is even madder than before. \n\nTeacher: \"Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?\" \n\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, \"John F. Kennedy.\" \n\nTeacher: \"That's right Nancy, you may also leave.\" \n\nJohnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. \n\nWhen the teacher turns her back Johnny says, \"I wish these kids would keep their mouths shut!\" \n\nThe teacher turns around: \"NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!\" \n\nJohnny: \"MICHAEL JACKSON. CAN I GO NOW?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth\". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\" Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\" Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your father a big hug.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"One day a little boy asked his father, \"how come you named my sister Running Dear?\"\n\nSo the father answerd his question and said, \"when your sister was born I couldn't think of a name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw.\"\n\n\"Oh\" said the little boy, \"is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?\"\n\nThe father said to his son \"why do you ask that, Two Dogs Screwing?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.\"It's a period,'' said the little boy.\"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. \"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...\" His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, \"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.\" To which the little brother replied, \"No, but Gramma is!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, \"Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?\" The kid says, \"Daddy told me you were a self-made man.\" \"I am.\" \"Well, why did you make yourself like that?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. \"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?\" he says.\"That's cool\" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, \"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.\" Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.\"Yeah,\" says Carrie's father, \"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!\"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, \"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.\n\nSpeaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, \"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?\"\n\nA young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, \"A basketball coach?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, \"Okay, you say 'damn' and I'll say 'hell'\".\n\nAll excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.\n\"Aw, hell,\" says the eight-year-old, \"gimme some Cheerios.\"\nHis mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. \"What'll you have?\"\n\"I dunno,\" quavers the six-year-old, \"but you can damn sure bet it ain't gonna be Cheerios.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, respondedconfidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week. Johnny said, \"Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --\" The mother held up her hand and said, \"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.\" The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him. \"But why?\" croaked the husband. \"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.\" \"Well,\" said little Johnny, \"I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied bytwo female teachers went on a field trip to the localracetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and thesupporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to thetoilet so it was decided that the girls would go with oneteacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men'stoilet, one of the boys came out and told her that hecouldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher wentinside and began hoisting the little boys up by theirarmpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help butnotice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementaryschool child. \"I guess you must be in the fifth,\" she said. \"No ma'am,\" he replied, \"I'm in the seventh, riding SilverArrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. \"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?\" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, \"I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.\" The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, \"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?\" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, \"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.\" Then he goes to his sister's room and asks, \"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?\" His sister looks up and says, \"Omigod! Definitely!\"The kid goes back to his father and says, \"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Johnny's father asked him, \"Do you know about the birds and the bees?\" \"I don't want to know!\" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. \"Oh dad,\" Little Johnny sobbed, \"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A mother took her little boy to church. \nWhile in church the little boy said, \"Mommy, I have to pee.\" \n\nThe mother said to the little boy, \"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.\" \n\nThe following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, \"Daddy, I have to whisper.\" \n\nThe Father looked at him and said, \"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, \"What's that?\" \n\"That's the elephant's tail,\" she replies. \n\n\"No, under the tail,\" says the youngster. \n\nThe mother is clearly embarrassed and says, \"Oh, nothing.\" \n\nThe boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, \"That's the elephant's penis, son.\" \n\n\"So, why did mum say it was nothing?\" asks the boy. \n\nThe father draws himself up to his full height and says, \"Son, I guess I've spoiled that woman.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, \"Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.\" Johnny looked up and replied, \"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed.\"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out, \"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\"Mom and Dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked.\"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty !\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:---------------------------------------\"You Were an Accident\"\"Strangers Have the Best Candy\"\"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!\"\"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It\"\"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia\"\"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?\"\"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?\"\"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry\"\"Dad's New Wife Timothy\"\"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games\"\"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables\"\"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy\"\"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will\"\"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead\"\"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School\"\"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. \"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,\" he asks, \"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?\" His father thinks a bit, then says, \"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?\" \"Osama bin Laden,\" David says. \"Why Osama bin Laden,\" his father asks in shock. \"Well,\" Josh says, \"I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.\" His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. \"Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.\" \"I know,\" Josh says, \"and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the hell out of him.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and\ncatches him putting on a condom.\n\nHe says, \"What are you doing, Pop? The father\nstutters \"I'm going to kill a mouse, son.\"\n\nThe kid says, \"What are you going to do, bang him to death?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?' \n\nThe whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.' \n\n'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.' \n\n'Very good,' she says again. \n\nThen she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.' \n\nBilly spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're idiots!'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Sad News! It's always difficult to bring sad news but I think\neveryone should know that there was a great loss in the\nentertainment world.\n\nThe man that wrote the \"Hokey Pokey\" died.\n\nWhat's really horrible was they had trouble keeping the body in the\ncasket. They'd put his left foot in......well, you know the rest..."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. \"Wake up,\nson. It's time to go to school!\"\n\n\"But why, Mom? I don't want to go.\"\n\n\"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.\"\n\n\"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!\"\n\n\"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get\nready.\"\n\n\"Give me two reasons why I should go to school.\"\n\n\"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the\nPrincipal!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to\ntrick them into doing some work for a change.\n\n\"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,\" he\nannounced. \"Will the laziest man please put his hand up.\"\n\nNine hands went up.\n\n\"Why didn't you put your hand up?\" he asked the tenth man.\n\n\"Too much trouble,\" came the reply."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says \"Have you been good?\" \n\nLittle Girl, \"Yes, Santa, very good.\" \n\nSanta, \"What would you like for Christmas?\"\n\nLittle Girl, \"I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.\" \n\nSanta, \"G. I. Joe? Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? \n\nLittle Girl, \"No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to\nthe other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs\"\n\n\"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we\nmight as well do as the Americans do.\"\n\nNodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor\nand they both walk towards the cart.\n\n\"Two dogs, please,\" says one.\n\nThe vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs\nin foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry\nover to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'\n\nThe mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and\nthen, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and\nwhispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: \"Take only ONE......God is watching.\" Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: \"Take all you want......God is watching the apples.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Johnny says \"Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.\" \"Well, you've done the right thing,\" says Mommy \"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. \"Yes,\" said the policeman. \"The detectives want him very badly.\" So Little Johnny asked, \"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.\"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named \"Mighty Storm\"?\"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.\"\"Why is my sister named \"Cornflower\"?\"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.\"\"And why is my other sister called \"Moonchild\"?\"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.\"\"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The dad responds after some quick thinking, \"Why son, their making a puppy.\"Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, \"Daddy what are you doing?\" The father, quite embarrassed, replies \"Why Billy, we're making a baby.\" \"Quick, turn her over...\" declares Billy, \"...I want a puppy!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.\n\nWhen they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.\n\n\"Grampa, Grampa,\" he says excitedly, \"as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!\"\n\n\"What?\" said his grandpa.\n\n\"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to thepharmacist and asked him, \"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\"The pharmacist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used for?\"\"Sure do\" replied the boy, \"They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\"\"Yes, that's true,\" said the pharmacist, \"but do you know what the ribsare for?\"The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, \"Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, \"Mom, what's sex?\" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, \"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had  to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting   on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.  One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got  a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into  the creek and floated away.  That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed  after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,\"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into  trouble because he told the truth.\"  The dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't  in that cherry tree.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A girl was throwing stones at a cow. Her father came & scolded her for throwing the stones at the cow & then told to her that cows are like mothers to them & should be respected. Next day guests come to their to their house & asked for her father. She said \"Father is pressing breast of mother\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed. \"Looks like the Anderson's have company,\" he called out. \"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\" Mom and dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked. \"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...\"You all have obsessions,\" he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, \"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.\" He turned to the second Mom, Ann: \"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.\" He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: \"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.\" At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. \"Come on, Dick, we're leaving.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. \"That's an elephant\", the mother said.After the child repeated after her, he asked, \"Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?\"The mother replied, \"That's his trunk, sweetheart.\"\"No, no\", said the child, \"Behind that!\"\"Oh, that's his tail\", she said.\"No, no!\" the boy exclaimed. \"That thing in the middle!\"The woman was flustered and replied, \"Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!\" And they moved on.....The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, \"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!\"The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, \"Elephant!\"\"Very GOOD\", beamed the father. \"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!\"The boy asked, \"Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?\"The father replied, \"That's his trunk.\"\"No!\", the boy moaned, \"Behind that!\"\"That's his tail\", the father replied. \"No, no! That thing in the middle!\"The father stammered, \"Er...what did your mother say it was?\"\"She said it was nothing!\"\"Well\", the man said, puffing out his chest. \"Your mother's spoiled!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularlyletting loud farts.  His teacher kept him after school.  When sheinsisted on  knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, \"I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'mvery proud of that fact.\"  The teacher says, \"If I show you I can do it better than you,  willyou stop?\"  Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on thefloor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.  Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speckof dust off the paper.  The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down,farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dustleft on the paper.  Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see herdo it again.  She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up  underneath her skirt.  \"No wonder you won!\" he exclaimed indignantly, \"you've got a Double-Barrel!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother.\n   The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,\"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.\"\n   The new mother says,\"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names.\"\n   The nurse says,\"The girls name is Denise.\"\n  The mother says,\"That's not bad, I like it. And the boys?\"\n   The nurse says,\"The boys name is    De-nephew.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up.  He says, \"Honey, why are you leaving me\"she say, \" cus I hear you're a pedifile!\"He responds, \"Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom \"Look mom I'm black.\" She says come here. He went and she whooped him.She said go tell your dad what you did.He went to his dad and said \"Look dad i'm black.\" He said come here and he started to whoop him. Go to your grandma and tell her what you did. The grandma did the same thing. He went back to his mom and she asked \"What have you learned today?\" The boy said \"I've been black for five minutes and I already hate you white basterds!!!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, \"Harry what is your problem?\" Harry answered, \"I'm toosmart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarterthan she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!\"Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harrywaited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what thesituation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failedto answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade andbehave.She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreedto take the test.Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\"Harry: \"9\".Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\"Harry: \"36\".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-gradeshould know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, \"I think Harry can go tothe third-grade.\"Ms Brooks says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" Theprincipal and Harry both agree.Ms Brooks asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\"Harry, after a moment \"Legs.\"Ms Brooks: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\"Harry: \"Pockets.\"Ms Brooks: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\"Harry: \"Pants\"Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, anddelicious and contains thin whitish liquid?Harry: CoconutMs Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.Harry: BubblegumMs Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and adog do on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: Shake handsMs Brooks: Now I will ask some \"Who am I\" sort of questions, okay?Harry: Yep.Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do.Harry: TentMs Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Thebest man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Harry: Wedding RingMs Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blowme, you feel good.Harry: NoseMs Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Harry: ArrowMs Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Harry: Fire truckThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.\n\nThe head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.\n\n\"Tell me,\" said he, \"if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'\n\nThe inmate said, \"It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.\"\n\n\"Marvelous,\" said the head of the institution.\n\n\"Or else,\" ruminated the inmate. \"I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.\"\n\n\"Absolutely,\" said the head.\n\n\"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.\"\n\n\"An interesting possibility,\" said the head.\n\n\"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.\n\n\"This temple is 1503 years old\", replies the guide.\n\nImpressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.\n\n\"Easy\", replies the guide, \"the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults arehiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy toblackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\"Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, andgreets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\"Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he seesthe mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: \"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\" she said proudly, \"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Little Sally was next: \"I sold magazines,\" she said, \"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.\" \"Very good, Sally,\" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.\"$2,467,\" he said. \"$2,467!\" cried the teacher, \"What in the world were you selling?\" \"Tooth brushes,\" said Little Johnny. \"Tooth brushes,\" echoed the teacher, \"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\" \"I found the busiest corner in town,\" said Little Johnny, \"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog crap! Then I would say..............\" It is dog crap.\" Wanna buy a toothbrush?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Small boy came home after the school and immediately he goes to his father.\nBecause the teacher was explaining in the class something about Reality and Imagination but to him it was not clear, he asks his father \"can you tell me which the difference between Reality and Imagination is?\" trying to be as objective as he can he reply to his sun: \"go boy to your mom and your sis and tell them that a very handsome young boy asked you about them, that they are beautiful,like, he would love to share some moments alone with them but tell this to each personally and after they reply cam and tell me what they said\". Boy goes at first and after that he has don what his father asked from him, he cams back and tell to father that \"mother, when she heard me what I told her, her eyes start shining and asked me about the boys name and where he lives and is he really so cool etc.\" also the sister did the same, maybe she was more interested in details than mother. Than father told to the sun:\nBoy, Imagination in this case is that I always thought that I have a faithful wife and a very educated daughter and Reality is that we have two sluts living in same house with us"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Dear Sir or Madam;\n\nWhile working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him\nworking studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or\ngossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom\nwastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always\nfinishes the given assignment in time. He is always\ndeeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be\nfound chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no\nvanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound\nknowledge of his field. I think he can easily be\nclassed as outstanding, and should on no account be\ndispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be\npushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be\nsent away as soon as possible.\n\nMr. Jones\nDirector of Personnel\n\n-----------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA yellow post-it was stuck to the letter.\n\nSMITH WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY.\nREAD ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7 AND SO ON FOR MY TRUE\nASSESSMENT OF HIM.\n\nJONES"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A husband and wife decided they needed to use \"code\" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. \n\nOne day the husband told his five year old daughter, \"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter\". \n\nThe child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, \"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.\" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. \n\nA few days later the mom told the daughter, \"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.\" \n\nThe child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, \"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three Englishmen stopped at a restaurant for a spot of tea. The\nwaiter appeared with pad and pencil. \"I'll have a glass of weak\ntea,\" ordered the first.\n\n\"I'll have tea, too,\" said the second, \"but very strong with two\npieces of lemon.\"\n\n\"Tea for me, too, please,\" said the third. \"but be sure the glass is\nabsolutely clean.\"\n\nIn a short time the waiter was back with the order. \"All right,\" he\nasked, \"which one gets the clean glass?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"This little black boy comes down the stairs and sees that his mom is making cookies. He goes up to her and covers himself in flour and says \"Look Momma I'm a white boy.\" His mom slaps him and sends him to his father. \"Look daddy I'm a white boy.\" His dad slaps him and sends him to his grandmother. \"Look gandma I'm a white boy.\" She slaps him and sends him back to his mother. \"Now what did you learn from this?\" \"I'v only been white for a couple a minutes and I already hate you white people!\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa.  When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for Christmas, the little boy replies, \"I don't know\".  So Santa starts thinking of things that the little boy might like and spells it out.  Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose.  B-I-K-E.  C-A-T.Etc.  Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas.  The little boy says, \"I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it on your fingers."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. \"What are you doing,\" his mother asked? \"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,\" the boy explained. \"I'm looking for the seal.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, AGBP100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, AGBP150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.\"If you'll just learn to cook,\" he said, \"we can fire the chef.\"\"Okay,\" she said. \"And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called \"The Knob,\" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted \"The Knob.\" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. \"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:    \"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.\"    The doctor looked at her closely and said,    \"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.\"    She sighed and said, \"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. \"What seems to be the problem?\" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, \"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!\" The husband scratched his head and replied, \"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasinglyfurious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against agorgeous young blonde woman.As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenlywhirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, 'That will teach you topinch!'Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with hiswife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.''Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'I did.'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?\"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in theeye, she paused for moment and then confessed. \"Yes, yes he did.\"The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wifewas admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks \"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?\"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at firstas she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says \"You\"."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died' 'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I donx?t care where your money came from!'"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.\n\n\"Are you the owner?\"\n\nshe asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.\"No\" he replies, \"I''m just the manager.\"\n\n\"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.\"\n\nShe asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.\n\n\"I''m afraid I can''t,\" breathes the manager clearly aroused,\" he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?\"\n\n\"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.\"\n\nShe continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.\n\n\"Tell him\" she says \"that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, \"Do you still ever get horny?\"\n\n\"Oh, yes!\" was the reply.\n\n\"What do you do about it?\" asked the first.\n\n\"I suck on a lifesaver.\" was the reply.\n\nThe first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, \n\n\"Who drives you to the beach?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Recently a \"Husband Super Store\" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.\n\nThe only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...\n\nFirst floor\nThe door had a sign saying, \"These men have jobs and love kids.\" The women read the sign and said, \"Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?\" So up they went.\n\nSecond floor\nThe sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.\" \"Hmmm,\" said the ladies, \"But, I wonder what's further up?\"\n\nThird floor\nThis sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.\"\n\"Wow,\" said the women, \"Very tempting.\" But there was another floor, so further up they went.\n\nFourth floor\nThis door had a sign saying \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.\"\n\"Oh, mercy me,\" they cried, \"Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.\n\nFifth floor\nThe sign on that door said, \"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  ? A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\" \"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. \"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\" He just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?\" She replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him\" she said. \"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Joe took his blind date to the carnival. \"What would you like to do first, Kim?\" asked Joe.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.Back to the weight guesser they went.Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.\"I want to get weighed, \"she responded.By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, \"How'd it go?\"Kim responded, \"Oh, Waura, it was wousy."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. \"If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?\" he asked. \"Yes\" said the girl.When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuckbetween the steering wheel and the seat.\"Go and get help\" he cried\"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone\" said the girl.\"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly\"She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter \"Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck\" The bloke looked at the shoe and said \"There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not workingSL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives...SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)"}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her   ? she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke   ? she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach."}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, \"Vietnam, 1969.\"\n\nThe other points his thumb behind him and says, \"Dog crap, 20 feet back.\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"Man \"Haven't we met before?\" Woman \"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.\" \nMan \"Haven't I seen you someplace before?\"\nWoman \"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.\" \nMan \"Is this seat empty?\" Woman \"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.\" \nMan \"So, wanna go back to my place ?\" Woman \"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?\"\n\nMan \"Your place or mine?\" Woman \"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.\"\n\nMan \"I'd like to call you. What's your number?\" Woman \"It's in the phone book.\" \nMan \"But I don't know your name.\" Woman \"That's in the phone book too.\" \nMan \"So what do you do for a living?\" Woman \"I'm a female impersonator.\" \nMan \"What sign were you born under?\" Woman \"No Parking.\" \nMan \"Hey, baby, what's your sign?\" Woman \"Do not Enter\" \nMan \"How do you like your eggs in the morning?\" Woman \"Unfertilized\" \nMan \"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason\" Woman \"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!\" \nMan \"I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.\" Woman \"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?\" \nMan \"I know how to please a woman.\" Woman \"Then please leave me alone.\" \nMan \"I want to give myself to you.\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.\" \nMan \"I can tell that you want me.\" Woman \"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.\" \nMan \"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy \nWoman \"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.\" \nMan \"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't date outside my species..\" \nMan \"Your body is like a temple.\" Woman \"Sorry, there are no services today.\" \nMan \"I'd go through anything for you.\" Woman \"Good! Let's start with your bank account.\" \nMan \"I would go to the end of the world for you.\" Woman \"Yes, but would you stay there?\""}
{"group":"stupidstuff","jocke":"The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. \"All right\" says the Doc, \"drop 'em and let's have a look.\" Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims \"Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!\".The patient is a bit embarrassed and says \"Look Doc, what about the rash?\"\"Oh that's easy,\" said the Doc, \"Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask.....\"\"No,\" said the patient, \"You can't. Now, is that all Doc?\"\"Well, \" said the Doctor, \" You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!\"The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.\"What?\" she yells, \"Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!\"\"Ah\" he said, \"And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a cow with no legs?\r\n\r\nGround Beef!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?\r\n\r\nUtter destruction."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What's black and white and red all over?\r\n\r\nA newspaper."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"So, this guy walks into a bar.\r\n\r\nAnd says, \"ouch\"."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?\r\n\r\nBob!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I went to a wedding the other day.  Two antennas were getting married.  It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra..."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Joel: \"How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?\"\r\nPeter: \"Things are really slow at the moment.\"\r\nJoel: \"Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A white horse walked into a bar.  The barman saw him and said,  \"We have a whiskey named after you!\"\r\n\r\nThe horse looked puzzled and said, \"What, Eric?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic.\r\n\r\nHe laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?\r\n\r\nA start."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?\r\n\r\nA bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. \r\n\r\n\"Hallo! Mr. Hussein,\" a heavily accented voice said. \"This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, Paddy,\" Saddam replied, \"this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?\" \r\n\r\n\"At this moment in time,\" said Paddy after a moment's calculation, \"there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!\" \r\n\r\nSaddam sighed. \"I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command.\" \r\n\r\n\"Begorra!\" said Paddy, \"I'll have to ring you back!\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. \"Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!\" \r\n\r\n\"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?\" Saddam asked. \r\n\r\n\"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm.\" \r\n\r\nOnce more Saddam sighed. \"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke.\" \r\n\r\n\"Really?\" said Paddy \"I'll have to ring you back!\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. \"Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!\" \r\n\r\nSaddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. \"I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million.\" \r\n\r\n\"Faith and begorra!\" said Paddy, \"I'll have to ring you back.\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, Paddy called again the next day. \"Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry to hear that,\" said Saddam. \"Why the sudden change of heart?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Paddy \"We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.\"\r\n\r\n\"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.\" The doctor says, \"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.\" \r\n\r\nThe next week the lady goes back to his office. \"Doctor,\" she says, \"I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.\r\n\r\nThey begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.\r\n\r\nConfused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.\r\n\r\nBut when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.\r\n\r\n\"I'm going back home!\" he tells the Iraqi. \"We'll finish these talks in two weeks!\"\r\n\r\nA fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.\r\n\r\nThey begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.\r\n\r\n\"Forget this,\" says Saddam. \"I'm going back to Baghdad!\" Bush says through tears of laughter, \"What Baghdad?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. \"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.\" He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.\r\nIt is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:\r\n\"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?\"\r\nThe groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, \"Yes.\"\r\nThe groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, \"I thought we had a deal.\"\r\nThe pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, \"She made me a much better offer.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones?\r\nMrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant?\r\nDoctor: No, you have bowel cancer!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a blond with half a brain?\r\n\r\nGifted."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q What has two legs, and bleeds?\r\n\r\nA Half a dog!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.\r\n\r\n\"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress,\" she says.\r\n\r\n\"Come again?\" says the clerk, cupping his ear.\r\n\r\n\"No\" she replies. \"This time it's mayonnaise.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, \"Darn it, I said up.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg.\r\n\r\nDoctor:  \"I have good news and bad news.\"\r\nPatient:  \"What's the bad news?\"\r\nDoctor: \"The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg.\"\r\nPatient: \"That's terrible!  What's the good news?\"\r\nDoctor: \"We think the other leg is going to make it alright.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket.  \"Hey - check this out,\"  he said to his wife, \"this stub is 20 years old.  I wonder if the shop still has the shoes.\"\r\nSo the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes.  The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes.\r\nWhen he returned, he replied happily, \"Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes.  They'll be ready next Thursday.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at them and says, \"What is this, a joke?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The Pope, a hippie, and George Bush were all on a plane that was crashing.  The pilots had already jumped to safety and there were only two parachutes left.  Without a moment's hesitation, Bush grabbed a pack, yelled \"I'm the most powerful man in the universe! I have to survive!\", and jumped from the plane.\r\nThe Pope, being the generous man that he is, said to the hippie, \"You go ahead and take the last parachute.  I'm an old man and I have lived a very full life.\"  \r\nThe hippie thanked the Pope but said, \"Don't worry - we'll both be fine.  The most powerful man in the universe just jumped off the plane with my backpack.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Economic times were very bad, so the plant owner had a difficult time finding people to work in his new factory.  In an act of desperation, he hired a tribe of cannibals.  At their orientation he made it very clear that he would not tolerate any acts of cannibalism in the plant.\r\n\r\nThree months went by without incident, when all of a sudden a secretary disappeared without a trace.\r\n\r\nThe manager rounded up all of the cannibals.\r\n\"If I find out that one of you ate the secretary,\" he said, \"I'm going to fire all of you!\" and with that, stormed out of the room.\r\n\r\nAfter he left the room, one of the cannibals stood up and said, \"This is a disgrace! For months we've been eating managers and no one has even noticed!  Which one of you fools ate a secretary?!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Jim is in a hot-air balloon, completely lost.  He sees a man in a field below and flies down to him.\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I am?\"\r\n\r\nThe man in the field replied \"You're in a balloon.\"\r\n\r\nJim said \"You're an engineer, aren't you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why yes, I am.  How did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because you gave me a perfectly logical, yet completely useless answer.\"\r\n\r\nJim continued flying, when he saw another man in a field.  \"Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me where I am?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well, you're about two miles north of Ogdenville.  If you go to the west side of town you'll find an airstrip that you can safely land on.\"\r\n\r\nJim replied \"Thank you very much, sir.  That was extremely helpful.  Say, I'll bet you're a manager, aren't you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why yes, I am, how did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because your pants are on backward\"."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An Engineering Major says \"How does it work?\"\r\n\r\nA Science Major says \"Why does it work?\"\r\n\r\nAn Accounting Major says \"How much will it cost?\"\r\n\r\nA Liberal Arts Major says \"Do you want fries with that?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nOnly one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man was sitting next to the Pope on a cross-country flight.  The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle.  He turned to the man and asked \"Do you know a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?\"\r\n\r\nThe man thought for a minute and said \"Aunt.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh yes, of course,\" the Pope replied.  \"Do you have an eraser?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A brunette was walking down the middle of the street, saying \"34...34...34\" over and over again.  A blonde stopped her and asked why she was doing that.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's great fun,\" replied the brunette. \"You should try it\".\r\n\r\nSo the blonde walked down the street repeating \"34...34...34...\" when all of a sudden a car sped by and ran her over.\r\n\r\nThe brunette then started walking down the road again, saying \"35...35...35...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating?\r\n\r\nBy the belt buckle imprint on her forehead."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity?\r\n\r\n\"So are you guys all on the same team?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?\r\n\r\nIt depends on how thin you slice 'em."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?\r\n\r\nHe chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A polar bear walked into a bar and said\r\n\"Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?\"\r\nThe bartender replied \"Sure, but why the large pause?\"\r\n\"I don't know, I've always had them!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bartender here?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?\r\n\r\nYa, it flows in our genes."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.\r\n\r\nConsider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing\r\nscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.\r\n\r\nAt the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:\r\n\r\nDearest Wife,\r\n\r\nJust got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.\r\n\r\nPS. Sure is hot down here."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, \"Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom.\"\r\nThe doctor says, \"It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.\r\n\r\nThe new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\r\n\r\nThe old priest suggests, \"Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.\" The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, \"Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'\"\r\n\r\nThe new priest says those things, trying them out.\r\nThe old priest says, \"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. \r\nThat way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.\r\n\r\nAt about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. \"Is this the vet?\" asked an elderly lady.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, it is,\" replied the vet, \"Is this an emergency?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, sort of,\" said the elderly lady, \"There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?\"\r\n\r\nThere was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, \"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really?\" said the elderly lady, \"Will that stop them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, it should,\" said the vet, \"It stopped ME!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. \"What's the matter?\" asked his mother. \"Papa was hanging pictures, and he just\r\nhit his thumb with a hammer,\" said Jerry. \"That's not so serious,\" soothed his mother. \"A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?\" \"I did,\" sobbed Jerry."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one\r\ngeneration to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.\r\n\r\nHowever, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:\r\n\r\n1. Buying a stronger whip.\r\n\r\n2. Changing riders.\r\n\r\n3. Threatening the horse with termination.\r\n\r\n4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.\r\n\r\n5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.\r\n\r\n6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.\r\n\r\n7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.\r\n\r\n8. Change the form so that it reads: \"This horse is not dead.\"\r\n\r\n9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.\r\n\r\n10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.\r\n\r\n11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby\r\ndeducting its full original cost.\r\n\r\n12. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.\r\n\r\n13. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.\r\n\r\n14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.\r\n\r\n15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a donkey with one leg?\r\nA wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?\r\nA winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?\r\nA bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind?\r\nA stinky bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while\r\nbreaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?\r\nA honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while\r\nbreaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?\r\nA plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while\r\nbreaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?\r\nBloody talented!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, \"Oh God, I'm screwed.\"\r\n\r\nThe sky darkens and a voice booms out, \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.\"\r\n\r\nSo with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...\r\n\r\nThe voice booms out again, \"Okay... NOW you're screwed.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls. \r\n\"You see, there are the originals,\" said the first monk. \"All the new scrolls were copied from these.\" \r\n\r\n\"Can I see one?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . \" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees. \r\n\r\n\"What? What does it say?\" \r\n\r\n\"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"\"Doc,\" says Steve, \"I want to be castrated.\" \r\n\"What on earth for?\" asks the doctor in amazement. \r\n\r\n\"It's something I've been thinking about it for a long time and I want to have it done\" replies Steve. \r\n\r\n\"But have you thought it through properly?\" asks the doctor, \"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, OK.\", says the doctor, \"But it's against my better judgment!\" \r\n\r\nSo Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. \r\n\r\n\"Hi there,\" says Steve,\"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the patient, \"I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.\" \r\n\r\nSteve stared at him in horror and screamed, \"Shit! THAT'S the word!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring \"Run....Run!\" \r\nThe next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!\" \r\n\r\nA third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!\" \r\n\r\nThe next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells \"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!\" \r\n\r\nAll the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" \r\n\r\nAfter this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks \"Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?\" \r\nThe nine-year-old replies, \"Nope, not for my mom.\" Without thinking, the cashier responded, \"Well, they must be for your sister then?\" The nine-year-old responded, \"Nope, not for my sister either.\"\r\n\r\nThe cashier had now become curious. \"Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?\" \r\n\r\nThe nine-year old says \"They're for my four-year-old little brother.\" The cashier is surprised: \"Your four year-old-brother?\" \r\n\r\nThe nine-year-old explains: \"Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, \"Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.\" \r\nAnd every year Martha would say, \"I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\nOne year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, \"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.\" \r\n\r\nMartha replied, \"Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\nThe pilot overheard them and said, \"Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\nStumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, \"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.\" \r\n\r\nStumpy replied, \"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, \"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!\" \r\nAnother young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, \"Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!\" \r\n\r\nAbout three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, \"Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.\r\n\r\nThe war-weary soldier asked: \"Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?\" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said; \"You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?\" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked: \"Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired.\" The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, \"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!\"\r\n\r\nThe soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.\r\n\r\nAn English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up; \"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand; you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.\r\n\r\nOn his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:\r\n\r\n\"Get me an fucking cup of coffee, quickly!\"\r\n\r\nThe voice from the other side responded,\r\n\r\n\"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the trainee.\r\n\r\n\"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!\"\r\n\r\nThe trainee shouted back,\r\n\r\n\"And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to, you idiot?\"\r\n\r\n\"No!\" replied the Managing Director indignantly.\r\n\r\n\"Thanks for that!\" replied the trainee and put down the phone."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.\r\n\r\nDaisy says to Dolly, \"I was artificially inseminated this morning.\"\r\n\"I don't believe you,\" said Dolly.\r\n\"It's true, straight up, no bull!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says \"Dam\"."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.\r\n\r\nAll of sudden, he said out loud, \"Lord grant me one  wish.\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming  voice the Lord said, \"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will  grant you one wish.\" \r\n\r\nThe man said, \"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I  want to.\"\r\n\r\nThe Lord said, \"Your request is very materialistic.  Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to  reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do  it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. \r\n\r\n\"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a  wish you think would honour and glorify me.\"\r\n\r\nThe man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he  said, \"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel  inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they  cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly  happy.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a few minutes God said, \"You want two lanes on that  bridge or four?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The darkest hours come just before the dawn.\r\n\r\nSo if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Remember, no-one is listening until you fart."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...\r\n\r\nTeach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There's a lovely young woman in New Zealand who is getting her house redecorated.  She is walking around the house with the builder, telling him what colors she is thinking of painting the walls.  \r\n  They go firstly into the dining room, and she says that she'd like it painted a nice lilac color.  The builder nods, before yelling out the window, \"GREEN SIDE UP!\"  \r\n  They then move into the kitchen.  The woman says she was thinking of a pale blue for this room.  The builder nods, before again yelling out the window, \"GREEN SIDE UP!\"  \r\n  They then continue into one of the bedrooms, and the woman says she wanted this one a yellow color.  The builder nods once again, then yells out the window, \"GREEN SIDE UP!\"  \r\n  The woman then finally turns to him with a puzzled expression, and says \"Look, I have to ask.  No matter what color I ask for, you yell out the window 'Green side up', what's going on?\"\r\n  \"Oh don't worry about that\" says the builder \"I've got a couple of Aussies laying turf out front!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a blind deer?\r\n\r\nNo idea (no eye deer.)\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a blind deer with no legs?\r\n\r\nStill no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A duck walked into a store one day and asked the clerk, \"Do you have any grapes?\" The clerk said, \"No.\" So the duck walked out and came back the next day and said, \"You got any grapes?\" and the clerk said, \"No.\" So the duck walked out and came in next time and said, \"You got any grapes?\" and the clerk said, \"No, and if you come in again and ask if we have any grapes, I'll staple your feet to the floor.\" So the duck walked out and came in again and said, \"You got any staples?\" the clerk said, \"No...\" so the duck said, \"You got any grapes?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION \r\n\r\n\r\nName:\r\n(_) Billy-Bob  \r\n(_) Billy-Joe\r\n(_) Billy-Ray \r\n(_) Billy-Sue \r\n(_) Billy-Mae \r\n(_) Billy-Jack \r\n(_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) \r\n\r\nAge: ____ \r\nSex: ____ M       _____ F       _____ N/A \r\n\r\nShoe Size: ____ Left     ____ Right \r\n\r\nOccupation: \r\n(_)Farmer \r\n(_)Mechanic \r\n(_)Hair Dresser \r\n(_)Unemployed \r\n\r\nSpouse's Name: __________________________ \r\n\r\nRelationship with spouse: \r\n(_) Sister \r\n(_) Brother \r\n(_) Aunt \r\n(_) Uncle \r\n(_) Cousin \r\n(_) Mother \r\n(_) Father \r\n(_) Son \r\n(_) Daughter \r\n(_) Pet \r\n\r\nNumber of children living in household: ___ \r\nNumber that are yours: ___ \r\n\r\nMother's Name: _______________________ \r\nFather's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) \r\n\r\nEducation: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) \r\n\r\nDo you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? \r\n(Check appropriate box) \r\n\r\n___ Total number of vehicles you own \r\n___ Number of vehicles that still crank\r\n___ Number of vehicles in front yard \r\n___ Number of vehicles in back yard\r\n___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks \r\n\r\nFirearms you own and where you keep them:\r\n____ truck \r\n____ bedroom \r\n____ bathroom \r\n____ kitchen\r\n____ shed \r\n\r\nModel and year of your pickup: ___________194_ \r\n\r\nNewspapers/magazines you subscribe to: \r\n(_)The National Enquirer \r\n(_)The Globe \r\n(_)TV Guide \r\n(_)Soap Opera Digest \r\n\r\n___ Number of times you've seen a UFO \r\n___ Number of times you've seen Elvis \r\n___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO \r\n\r\nHow often do you bathe: \r\n(_)Weekly \r\n(_)Monthly \r\n(_)Not Applicable \r\n\r\nColor of teeth: \r\n(_)Yellow \r\n(_)Brownish-Yellow\r\n(_)Brown \r\n(_)Black \r\n(_)N/A \r\n\r\nBrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man \r\n\r\nHow far is your home from a paved road? \r\n(_)1 mile \r\n(_)2 miles \r\n(_)don't know"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Knock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nAnita.\r\nAnita who?\r\nAnita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. \r\n2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. \r\n3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house. \r\n4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. \r\n5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday. \r\n6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper. \r\n7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops. \r\n8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. \r\n9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. \r\n10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack. \r\nWhen he asked, the man said, \"I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight.\" \r\n\r\nThe other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I'll tell you,\" replied the man, \"If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this here sack I'll give them both to you.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president some day.)\r\nName the four seasons.\r\nSalt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.\r\n\r\nExplain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.\r\nFlirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.\r\n\r\nHow is dew formed?\r\nThe sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.\r\n\r\nWhat is a planet?\r\nA body of earth surrounded by sky.\r\n\r\nWhat causes the tides in the oceans?\r\nThe tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.\r\n\r\nIn a democratic society, how important are elections?\r\nVery important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.\r\n\r\nWhat are steroids?\r\nThings for keeping carpets still on the stairs.\r\n\r\nWhat happens to your body as you age?\r\nWhen you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.\r\n\r\nWhat happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?\r\nHe says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.\r\n\r\nName a major disease associated with cigarettes.\r\nPremature death.\r\n\r\nHow can you delay milk turning sour?\r\nKeep it in the cow.\r\n\r\nHow are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)\r\nThe body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.\r\n\r\nWhat is the Fibula?\r\nA small lie.\r\n\r\nWhat does \"varicose\" mean?\r\nNearby.\r\n\r\nWhat is the most common form of birth control?\r\nMost people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.\r\n\r\nGive the meaning of the term \"Caesarean Section.\"\r\nThe caesarean section is a district in Rome.\r\n\r\nWhat is a seizure?\r\nA Roman emperor.\r\n\r\nWhat is a terminal illness?\r\nWhen you are sick at the airport.\r\n\r\nGive an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?\r\nMushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.\r\n\r\nWhat does the word \"benign\" mean?\r\nBenign is what you will be after you be eight.\r\n\r\nWhat is a turbine?\r\nSomething an Arab wears on his head.\r\n\r\nWhat is a Hindu?\r\nIt lays eggs."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? \r\nIf it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a \"teethbrush\"."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over \"Ebonics,\" has decided to designate Southern slang, or \"Hickphonics,\" as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: \r\n\r\nHire yew - noun.  Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.\r\nUsage: \"Howdy. How are you.\"\r\n\r\nBard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive \"to borrow.\"\r\nUsage: \"My brother bard my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nJawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Atlanta.\r\nUsage: \"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nMunts - noun. A calendar division.\r\nUsage: \"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.\"\r\n\r\nIgnert - adjective. Not smart. See \"Arkansas native.\"\r\nUsage: \"Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!\"\r\n\r\nRanch - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.\r\nUsage: \"I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.\"\r\n\r\nAll - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.  \r\nUsage: \"I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nFar - noun. A conflagration.\r\nUsage: \"If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.\"\r\n\r\nBahs - noun. A supervisor.\r\nUsage: \"If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!\"\r\n\r\nTar - noun. A rubber wheel.\r\nUsage: \"Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nTire - noun. A tall monument.\r\nUsage: \"Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.\"\r\n\r\nRetard - Verb. To stop working.\r\nUsage: \"My grampaw retard at age 65.\"\r\n\r\nTarred - adverb. Exhausted.\r\nUsage: \"I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.\"\r\n\r\nFat - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.\r\n\r\nAr - pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.\r\n\r\nRats - noun. Entitled power or privilege.\r\nUsage: \"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats.\"\r\n\r\nFarn - adjective. Not local.\r\nUsage: \"I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country.\"\r\n\r\nDid - adjective. Not alive.\r\nUsage: \"He's did, Jim.\"\r\n\r\nEar - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). \r\nUsage: \"He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!\"\r\n\r\nBob war - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.\r\nUsage: \"Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.\"\r\n\r\nJew - Noun and verb contraction.  \r\nUsage: \"Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?\"\r\n\r\nHaze - a contraction.\r\nUsage: \"Is Bubba smart?\" \"Nah... haze ignert.\"  \r\n\r\nSaw - verb, past tense.\r\n\r\nView - contraction: verb and pronoun.\r\nUsage: \"I ain't never seed New York City... view?\"  \r\n\r\nHeavy dew - phrase. A request for action.\r\nUsage: \"Kin I heavy dew me a favor?\"  \r\n\r\nGummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution.\r\nUsage: \"Them gummit boys shore are ignert.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. \r\n\"What's the matter, Mr. President?\" the Vice President inquired.\r\n\r\n\"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!\" the President beamed. \r\n\r\n\"How long did it take you?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. \r\nA short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he whispered, \"I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'\" \r\n\r\n\"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'\" \r\n\r\n\"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. \r\nWhen she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, \"We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.\" Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked \"Where is Bill's clock?\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter replied,\"Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Britney Spears & Eminem\r\nwho, combined, have written more books than they've read.\r\n\r\n2. Dr. Phil McGraw \r\nwho has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues. \r\n\r\n3. America's Oil Companies\r\nfor a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix. \r\n\r\n4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon\r\nfor those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other. \r\n\r\n5. Bill Gates\r\nfor creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession. \r\n\r\n6. The Editors of Maxim\r\nfor managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models. \r\n\r\n7. Jared\r\nof the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one. \r\n\r\n8. Jennifer Lopez\r\nwho, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass. \r\n\r\n9. That 300 Pound Guy\r\nwho always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights. \r\n\r\n10. Glaxo\r\nwho has managed to make \"loose stools\" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"W a t e r\r\n1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.) \r\n2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. \r\n\r\n3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. \r\n\r\n4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. \r\n\r\n5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. \r\n\r\n6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. \r\n\r\n7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. \r\n\r\n8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. \r\n\r\nAre you drinking the amount of water you should every day? \r\n\r\nC o k e\r\n1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. \r\n\r\n2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. \r\n\r\n3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the \"real thing\" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China. \r\n\r\n4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. \r\n\r\n5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. \r\n\r\n6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. \r\n\r\n7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. \r\n\r\n8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Check it out. \r\n\r\nFor Your Info :\r\n1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. \r\n\r\n2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. \r\n\r\n3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! \r\n\r\nNow the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. \r\n2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. \r\n3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. \r\n4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. \r\n5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels. \r\n6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in. \r\n7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. \r\n8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. \r\n9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box. \r\n10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. \r\n11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, \"May I take your order?\" \r\n12. When asked if they can take your order say, \"Why, can I take yours?\" \r\n13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. \r\n14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away. \r\n15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. \r\n16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. \r\n17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. \r\n18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it. \r\n19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. \r\n20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.\r\n\r\n2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. \r\n\r\n3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. \r\n\r\n4. Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in. \r\n\r\n5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.\r\n\r\n6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. \r\n\r\n7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible \"Sex and Candy.\" \r\n\r\n8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, \"I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares.\" and see what happens. \r\n\r\n9. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10. \r\n\r\n10. Play with the automatic doors. \r\n\r\n11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, \"Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...\" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. \r\n\r\n12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, \"Who BUYS this shit, anyway?\"\r\n\r\n13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. \r\n\r\n14. Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. \r\n\r\n15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. \r\n\r\n16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. \r\n\r\n17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, \"Wow, Magic!\" \r\n\r\n18. Put M&M's on layaway. \r\n\r\n19. Move \"Caution: Wet Floor\" signs to carpeted areas. \r\n\r\n20. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. \r\n\r\n21. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. \r\n\r\n22. Nonchalantly \"test.\" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. \r\n\r\n23. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, \"I'm Batman! Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!\" \r\n\r\n24. TP as much of the store as possible. \r\n\r\n25. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. \r\n\r\n26. Play with the calculators so that they all spell \"hello\" upside down. (0.1134) \r\n\r\n27. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, \"Why won't you people just leave me alone?\" \r\n\r\n28. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, \"Red Rover!\" \r\n\r\n29. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. \r\n\r\n30. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. \r\n\r\n31. Take bets on the battle described above. \r\n\r\n32. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...) \r\n\r\n33. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. \r\n\r\n34. While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms. \r\n\r\n35. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from \"Mission: Impossible.\" \r\n\r\n36. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. \r\n\r\n37. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. \r\n\r\n38. Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. \r\n\r\n39. Set up a \"Valet Parking\" sign in front of the store. \r\n\r\n40 Two words: \"Marco Polo.\" \r\n\r\n41. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. \r\n\r\n42. \"Re-alphabetize\" the CDs in Electronics. \r\n\r\n43. In the auto department, practice your \"Madonna\" look with various funnels. \r\n\r\n44. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like \"the fat man walks alone...\" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them. \r\n\r\n45. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. E.g. The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying \"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.\" Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. \r\n\r\n46. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, \"No, no! It's those voices again!\"\r\n\r\n47. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. \r\n\r\n48. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. \r\n\r\n49. Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying \"Good girl, good Bessie.\"\r\n\r\n50. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles. \r\n\r\n51. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. \r\n\r\n52. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. \r\n\r\n53. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. \r\n\r\n54. Test the fishing rods and see what you can \"catch\" from the other aisles. \r\n\r\n55. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: \"Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).\" When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. \"Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).\" \r\n\r\n56. Hold indoor shopping cart races. \r\n\r\n57. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. \r\n\r\n58. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOWLY, especially through narrow aisles. \r\n\r\n59. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. \r\n\r\n60. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. \r\n\r\n61. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. \r\n\r\n62. Say things like, \"Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?\" \r\n\r\n63. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., \"Do you have any Shnerples here?\"\r\n\r\n64. Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a \"test drive.\"\r\n\r\n65. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.\r\n\r\n2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.\r\n\r\n3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.\r\n\r\n4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.\r\n\r\n5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.\r\n\r\n6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.\r\n\r\n7. Only in America . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.\r\n\r\n8. Only in America . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.\r\n\r\n9. Only in America . . . do we use the word \"politics\" to describe the process so well: \"poli\" in Latin meaning \"many\" and \"tics\" meaning \"bloodsucking creatures.\"\r\n\r\n10. Only in America . . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: \r\n\r\nBetter to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. \r\nStrike while the... bug is close. \r\nIt's always darkest before... daylight savings time. \r\nNever underestimate the power of... termites. \r\nYou can lead a horse to water but... how? \r\nDon't bite the hand that... looks dirty. \r\nNo news is... impossible. \r\nA miss is as good as a... Mr. \r\nYou can't teach an old dog... math. \r\nIf you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning. \r\nLove all, trust... me. \r\nThe pen is mightier than... the pigs. \r\nAn idle mind is... the best way to relax. \r\nWhere there is smoke, there's... pollution. \r\nHappy is the bride who... gets all the presents. \r\nA penny saved is... not much. \r\nTwo is company, three's... The Musketeers. \r\nNone are so blind as... Helen Keller. \r\nChildren should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. \r\nIf at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. \r\nYou get out of something what you... see pictured on the box. \r\nWhen the blind lead the blind... get out of the way. \r\nThere is no fool like... Aunt Edie. \r\nLaugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Alabama:\r\nAt Least We're not Mississippi\r\n\r\nAlaska:\r\n11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!\r\n\r\nArizona:\r\nBut It's a Dry Heat\r\n\r\nArkansas:\r\nLitterasy Ain't Everthing\r\n\r\nCalifornia:\r\nAs Seen on TV\r\n\r\nColorado:\r\nIf You Don't Ski, Don't Bother\r\n\r\nConnecticut:\r\nLike Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character\r\n\r\nDelaware:\r\nWe Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water\r\n\r\nFlorida:\r\nAsk Us About Our Grandkids\r\n\r\nGeorgia:\r\nWithout Atlanta we're Alabama\r\n\r\nHawaii:\r\nHaka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru\r\n(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)\r\n\r\nIdaho:\r\nMore Than Just Potatoes...\r\nWell Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good\r\n\r\nIllinois:\r\nPlease Don't Pronounce the \"S\"\r\n\r\nIndiana:\r\n2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free\r\n\r\nIowa:\r\nWe Do Amazing Things With Corn\r\n\r\nKansas:\r\nFirst Of The Rectangle States\r\n\r\nKentucky:\r\nFive Million People; Seven Last Names\r\n\r\nLouisiana:\r\nWe're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,\r\nBut That's Our Tourism Campaign\r\n\r\nMaine:\r\nWe're Really Cold,\r\nBut We Have Cheap Lobster\r\n\r\nMaryland:\r\nA Thinking Man's Delaware\r\n\r\nMassachusetts:\r\nOur Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's\r\n\r\nMichigan:\r\nFirst Line of Defense From the Canadians\r\n\r\nMinnesota:\r\n10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes\r\n\r\nMississippi:\r\nCome Feel Better About Your Own State\r\n\r\nMissouri:\r\nYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work\r\n\r\nMontana:\r\nLand of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else\r\n\r\nNebraska:\r\nAsk About Our State Motto Contest\r\n\r\nNevada:\r\nWhores and Poker!\r\n\r\nNew Hampshire:\r\nGo Away and Leave Us Alone\r\n\r\nNew Jersey:\r\nYou Want a ##$%##! Motto?\r\nI Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!\r\n\r\nNew Mexico:\r\nLizards Make Excellent Pets\r\n\r\nNew York:\r\nYou Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...\r\n\r\nNorth Carolina:\r\nTobacco is a Vegetable\r\n\r\nNorth Dakota:\r\nWe Really are One of the 50 States!\r\n\r\nOhio:\r\nWe Wish We Were In Michigan\r\n\r\nOklahoma:\r\nLike the Play, only No Singing\r\n\r\nOregon:\r\nSpotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner\r\n\r\nPennsylvania:\r\nCook With Coal\r\n\r\nRhode Island:\r\nWe're Not REALLY An Island\r\n\r\nSouth Carolina:\r\nWe Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North\r\n\r\nSouth Dakota:\r\nCloser Than North Dakota\r\n\r\nTennessee:\r\nThe Educashun State\r\n\r\nTexas:\r\nA Whole 'Nother Country!\r\n\r\nUtah:\r\nOur Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus\r\n\r\nVermont:\r\nYep\r\n\r\nVirginia:\r\nWho Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?\r\n\r\nWashington:\r\nHelp! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!\r\n\r\nWashington, D.C.:\r\nWanna Be Mayor?\r\n\r\nWest Virginia:\r\nOne Big Happy Family -- Really!\r\n\r\nWisconsin:\r\nCome Cut Our Cheese\r\n\r\nWyoming:\r\nWynot?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: What is your date of birth? \r\nA: July fifteenth. \r\nQ: What year? \r\nA: Every year. \r\n\r\nQ: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: And in what ways does it affect your memory? \r\nA: I forget. \r\nQ: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? \r\n\r\nQ: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? \r\nA: Oral. \r\n\r\nQ: How old is your son - the one living with you. \r\nA: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. \r\nQ: How long has he lived with you? \r\nA: Forty-five years. \r\n\r\nQ: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? \r\nA: He said, \"Where am I, Cathy?\" \r\nQ: And why did that upset you? \r\nA: My name is Susan. \r\n\r\nQ: Sir, what is your IQ? \r\nA: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. \r\n\r\nQ: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? \r\nA: We both do. \r\nQ: Voodoo? \r\nA: We do. \r\nQ: You do? \r\nA: Yes, voodoo. \r\n\r\nQ: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? \r\n\r\nQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?\r\n\r\nQ: Were you present when your picture was taken? \r\nQ: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? \r\n\r\nQ: Did he kill you? \r\n\r\nQ: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? \r\n\r\nQ: You were there until the time you left, is that true? \r\n\r\nQ: How many times have you committed suicide? \r\n\r\nQ: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: And what were you doing at that time? \r\n\r\nQ: She had three children, right? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: How many were boys? \r\nA: None. \r\nQ: Were there any girls? \r\n\r\nQ: You say the stairs went down to the basement? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: And these stairs, did they go up also? \r\n\r\nQ: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? \r\nA: I went to Europe, sir. \r\nQ: And you took your new wife? \r\n\r\nQ: How was your first marriage terminated? \r\nA: By death. \r\nQ: And by whose death was it terminated? \r\n\r\nQ: Can you describe the individual? \r\nA: He was about medium height and had a beard. \r\nQ: Was this a male, or a female? \r\n\r\nQ: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? \r\nA: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. \r\n\r\nQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? \r\nA: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. \r\nQ: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? \r\nA: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. \r\nQ: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? \r\nA: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)\r\n\r\nDarth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. \r\nLuke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! \r\nDarth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! \r\nLuke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. \r\nDarth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. \r\nLuke: NO! \r\nDarth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? \r\nLuke: Threepio? \r\nDarth Vader: Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old. \r\nLuke: No! \r\nDarth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp. \r\nLuke: I destroyed the Death Star! \r\nDarth Vader: When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! \r\nLuke: Well, it's not my fault... \r\nDarth Vader: Oh, here we go... &#8220;Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!&#8221; \r\nLuke: Shut up. \r\nDarth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights! \r\nLuke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon! \r\nDarth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right here, baby! \r\n(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.) \r\nDarth Vader: I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.) \r\nDarth Vader: Get a haircut!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" \r\nThe little boy nodded in the affirmative. \r\n\r\n\"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" \r\n\r\nThe little boy nodded yes. \r\n\r\n\"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" \r\n\r\nAgain the little boy nodded. \r\n\r\n\"Good,\" said the coach, \"now go over there and explain it to your mother.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. \r\nThe instructor asked, \"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?\" \r\n\r\nA young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, \"A basketball coach?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, \"Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you.\" \r\nShe conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, \"Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?\" \r\n\r\nTony Blair replies, \"It's me!\" and hangs up. \r\n\r\nG.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, \"Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?\" \r\n\r\nAnd Cheney says, \"Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you.\" \r\n\r\nSo Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, \"Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?\" \r\n\r\nAnd Colin Powell says, \"It's me!\" \r\n\r\nSo Cheney calls Bush and says, \"It's Colin Powell.\" \r\n\r\nAnd Bush says, \"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"OBJECTIVE\r\nTo sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior. \r\nEDUCATION\r\nSchool: Very Expensive \r\nMajor: Not Important \r\nGPA: Don't Ask \r\n\r\nEMPLOYMENT\r\nNETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. \r\nDEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.\r\nRESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling. \r\n\r\nCOMPUTER SKILLS\r\n*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS\r\n*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine \r\n\r\nFor further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"\"Did ya hear I got married?\" \r\n\"Oh, that's good.\" \r\n\"No, that's bad! She's ugly!\" \r\n\"Oh, that's bad.\" \r\n\"No, that's good! She's rich.\" \r\n\"Oh, that's good!\" \r\n\"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent.\" \r\n\"Oh, that's bad.\" \r\n\"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house\" \r\n\"Oh, that's good.\" \r\n\"No, that's bad! The house burnt down.\" \r\n\"Oh, that's bad.\" \r\n\"No, that's good! She was in it.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... \r\nOfficer: What's 2+2? \r\n\r\nBlonde: Ummmmm... 4! \r\n\r\nOfficer: What's the square root of 100? \r\n\r\nBlonde: Ummmm... 10! \r\n\r\nOfficer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? \r\n\r\nBlonde: Ummmm... I dunno. \r\n\r\nOfficer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. \r\n\r\nThe blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, \"Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! \r\nFor starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. \r\n\r\nAnother problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. \r\n\r\nEven if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. \r\n\r\nOther reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: \r\n\r\n* Men can't pack a bag.\r\n* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.\r\n* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.\r\n* Men don't answer their mail.\r\n* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a \"bowlful of jelly.\"\r\n* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.\r\n* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.\r\n* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. \r\n\r\nI can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of \"The Christmas Song,\" it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Tech Support  \r\n\r\nJust in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:\r\n\r\n    1. Compaq is considering changing the command \"Press Any Key\" to \"Press Return Key\" because of the flood of calls asking where the \"Any\" key is.\r\n\r\n    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.\r\n\r\n    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.\r\n\r\n    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.\r\n\r\n    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.\r\n\r\n    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the \"send\" key.\r\n\r\n    7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.\r\n\r\n    8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was \"bad and an invalid\". The tech explained that the computer's \"bad command\" and \"invalid\" responses shouldn't be taken personally.\r\n\r\n    9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it \"couldn't find printer\". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't \"see\" the printer.\r\n\r\n    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, \"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.\" The \"foot pedal\" turned out to be the computer's mouse.\r\n\r\n    11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't  work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked \"What power switch?\"\r\n\r\n    12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:\r\n\r\nCaller: \"Hello, is this Tech Support?\"\r\nTech: \"Yes, it is. How may I help you?\"\r\nCaller: \"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?\"\r\nTech: \"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?\"\r\nCaller: \"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.\"\r\nTech: \"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it   have any trademark on it?\"\r\nCaller: \"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.\" At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!\r\n\r\n    13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. \"I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...\" The user hadn't realized that \"Insert Disk 2\" meant to remove Disk 1 first.\r\n\r\n    14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.\r\n\r\n    As Ripley would say, believe it or not!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, \"Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?\" \r\nI worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. \r\n\"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?\" \r\n\"A little. What's wrong?\" \r\n\"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.\" \r\n\"How did you load the sheet?\" \r\n\"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it.\" \r\n\r\nI recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. \"Do you need some help?\" I asked. \r\n\"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?\" \r\n\"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?\" I asked. \r\n\"No, just this remote,\" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. \r\nAs I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, \"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk.\" \r\n\r\nTech Support: What does the screen say now?\r\nCaller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'\r\nTech Support: Well?\r\nCaller: How do I know when it's ready? \r\n\r\nA man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States! \r\n\r\nMy friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, \"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?\" \r\n\r\nSeveral years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, \"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?\" \r\n\"Just use copier machine paper,\" she told him. \r\nWith that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. \r\n\r\nOne of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named \"i386.\" \r\nHe started to type it and paused, asking me, \"Where's the key for that line thing?\" \r\nI asked what he was talking about, and he said, \"You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark.\" \r\nI replied, \"You mean the letter 'i'?\" \r\nAnd he said, \"Yeah, that's it!\" \r\n\r\nI was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in \"Twister.\" I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, \"I'm Stupid.\" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, \"Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.\"\r\n\r\n    It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says \"Hey, you moving?\" \"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.\"\r\n\r\n    A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, \"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?\" \"Nope; talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.\"\r\n\r\n    I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit; and there's only one way to test it. \"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.\" \"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.\"\r\n\r\n    Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, \"Tire go flat?\" I couldn't resist. Said, \"Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.\"\r\n\r\n    We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, \"Darn that's hot!\" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.\r\n\r\n    I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ok, no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign until he asked \"So..is your truck stuck?\" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said \"No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"WINDERS 98  \r\n\r\nMICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:\r\nIt has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.\r\nThe Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.\r\n\r\n\r\n    It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.\r\n\r\nAlso note:\r\n\r\nRecycle Bin is labeled Outhouse\r\nMy Computer is called This Infernal Contraption\r\nDialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys\r\nControl Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard\r\nHard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive\r\nFloppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.\r\n\r\nOther features:\r\n\r\n    Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.\r\n\r\nOK = ats aww-right\r\ncancel = hail no\r\nreset = awa shoot\r\nyes = shore\r\nno = Naaaa\r\nfind = hunt-fer it\r\ngo to = over yonder\r\nback = back yonder\r\nhelp = hep me out here\r\nstop = ternit off\r\nstart = crank it up\r\nsettings = sittins\r\nprograms = stuff that does stuff\r\ndocuments = stuff I done done\r\n\r\n    Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.\r\n\r\n    Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:\r\n\r\ntiperiter................A word processor\r\ncolering book............a graphics program\r\naddin mershene...........calculator\r\nscratch paper ...........notepad\r\njupe-box ................CD Player\r\ninner-net................Microsoft Explorer\r\npichers..................A graphics viewer\r\nIRS......................M/S accounting software\r\nIRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files\r\ncoon dog.................American kennel club records\r\nfishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.\r\nNRA......................National Rifle Association\r\nshot gun ................Remington Arms price list\r\nriffel...................Winchester price list\r\npisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list\r\ntruck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code\r\nhouse....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code\r\ncar .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas\r\ncuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file\r\ntax records..............usually an empty file\r\nshells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file\r\nbud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code\r\nracin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n' truck\r\nParts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code\r\ndoc .....................veterinarians by zip code\r\n\r\n    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.\" He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, \"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.\" \r\nThe programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, \"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.\" Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. \r\nFinally, the frog asked, \"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?\" The programmer said, \"Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned, so he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease; however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. \r\nSeveral months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone, so this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. The guy has the surgery only to find his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. \r\n\r\nDetermined to find out what is wrong with him, he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated. \r\n\r\nOn a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they made a deadly mistake and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up, so he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck. \r\n\r\n\"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck.\" \r\n\r\n\"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck.\" \r\n\r\n\"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?\" \r\n\r\n\"What?\" \r\n\r\n\"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, ''If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' And then finally, he said, ''And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' Sermon complete, he then sat down. \r\nThe song leader stood very cautiously and announced, \"And today we will let someone in the crowd pick our closing song.\" A Alabama man raised his hand and said, \"Fer are closin song, we gonna sing dat one Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'''"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for \"Termination without Cause.\"\r\n\r\nActual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:\r\n\r\n\"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.\"\r\n\r\n\"What sort of trouble?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.\"\r\n\r\n\"Went away?\"\r\n\r\n\"They disappeared.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing.\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.\"\r\n\r\n\"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?\"\r\n\r\n\"How do I tell?\"\r\n\r\n\"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?\"\r\n\r\n\"What's a sea-prompt?\"\r\n\r\n\"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?\"\r\n\r\n\"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type.\"\r\n\r\n\"Does your monitor have a power indicator?\"\r\n\r\n\"What's a monitor?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I think so.\"\r\n\r\n\"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.\"\r\n\r\n\".......Yes, it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.\"\r\n\r\n\".......Okay, here it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't reach.\"\r\n\r\n\"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.\"\r\n\r\n\"Dark?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, turn on the office light then.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't.\"\r\n\r\n\"No? Why not?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because there's a power outage.\"\r\n\r\n\"A power... A power outage? Ah, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really? Is it that bad?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I'm afraid it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"TWO POINT GAGS\r\n\r\nRun one lap around the office at top speed\r\nGroan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)\r\nIgnore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you\r\nPhone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say \"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye\"\r\nTo signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.\r\nWhen someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,\"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!\"\r\nLeave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, \"Sorry, I really prefer it this way\"\r\nWalk sideways to the photocopier.\r\nWhile riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.\r\n\r\n    THREE-POINT GAGS\r\n\r\nSay to your boss, \"I like your style\" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers\r\nBabble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask \"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it\"\r\nPage yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)\r\nKneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).\r\nShout random numbers while someone is counting.\r\n\r\n    FIVE POINT GAGS\r\n\r\nAt the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).\r\nWalk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.\r\nFor an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.\r\nAnnounce to everyone in a meeting that you \"really have to go do number two\".\r\nAfter every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.\r\nAs in, \"the report's on your desk, mon\". Keep this up for one hour.\r\nWhile an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.\r\nIn a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, \"Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!\"\r\nAt lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce \"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again\".\r\nIn a colleagues diary, write in 10am: \"See how I look in tights\".\r\nCarry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask \"You wanna trade?\"\r\nRepeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: \"Do you hear that?\" \"What?\" \"Never mind, it's gone now\"\r\nCome to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, \"I can't talk  about it\"\r\nPosing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.\r\nSpeak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.\r\nFind the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.\r\nHang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.\r\nRollerblade around the floor throwing sweets"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about 50 years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as \"Bonkistry\". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. \r\nAnyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there. \r\n\r\nThey did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. \r\n\r\nBonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. \r\n\r\nThey looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. \"Cool,\" they thought, \"this is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page... \r\n\r\nWHICH TIRE? (95 points)"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. \r\nAfter the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. \r\n\r\nA very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. \r\n\r\nHer eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, \"I'll take him and him and him.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.\r\n\r\n''What do you want?'' he asked.\r\n\r\n''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.\r\n\r\n''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.\r\n\r\n''Do you have a light?'' said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.\r\n\r\n''Drive faster!'' said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. ''What do you want from us?'' screamed the passenger.\r\n\r\nThe old man gently replied ''You weirdos want some help getting out of the mud?''"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, \"He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.\" So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans. \r\nA year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. \r\n\r\nUpon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, \"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.\" He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back, then he went to answer the phone. \r\n\r\nThe baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming from a pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, \"Why are you eating grass\". \r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat.\" \r\n\r\nSo the laywer said, \"Poor guy, come back to my house.\" \r\n\r\nThe guys then said, \"But I have a wife and three kids.\" The layers told him to bring them along. \r\n\r\nWhen they were all in the car, the poor man said, \"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.\" \r\n\r\nThe laywer said, \"You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. \r\nOne day God called to Satan to mock him, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" \r\n\r\nSatan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" \r\n\r\nGod was surprised, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\" \r\n\r\n\"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.\" \r\n\r\nGod threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\" \r\n\r\nSatan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Sherlock Holmes and his companion Watson are chasing down a criminal and have come to a time in the chase in which it is too late to head back home and too late to keep traveling after him.  Considering that they were in the middle of the woods, Holmes, being as smart as he was, figured that this would happen. He had brought along most of the materials that they would need to go camping.\r\n\r\nThey set up camp, putting up their tent, making a fire to cook and for the warmth. Soon, they thought it best to go to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up, and immediately wakes up Watson.\r\n\r\nAfter Watson awoke he simply said, \"Watson my friend, look up and tell me, what do you see?\"\r\n\r\nAfter looking up, Watson replies, \"Stars, so many stars out there and so far apart that they truly show us how small and miniscule our planet is to the entire universe.  Thus showing, that our planet is miniscule, that we are basically nothing. Truly the trifle things that we go through every day do mean nothing in its effect to the entire universe.\"\r\n\r\nHolmes starts shaking his head and says, \"Watson, you bumbling fool, someone has stolen our tent!!!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"In the words of Albert Einstien \"There are two things infinite; the universe and human stupidity,\" if this doesn't prove one of them, I am not sure what will. (Oh, and let me tell you, this doesn't prove anything about the universe)\r\n\r\n1. On a blanket from Taiwan - \r\nNOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. \r\n\r\n2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - \r\nREMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. \r\n\r\n3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - \r\nUSE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. \r\n\r\n4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - \r\nAFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. \r\n\r\n5. On a New Zealand insect spray - \r\nTHIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. \r\n\r\n6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - \r\nTO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE \r\nBEFORE OPENING. \r\n(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) \r\n\r\n7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - \r\nLIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR\r\nAPPROXIMATELY  5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. \r\n\r\n8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - \r\nOPEN OTHER END. \r\n\r\n9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - \r\nWHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? \r\n\r\n10. On a Sears hairdryer - \r\nDO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. \r\n\r\n11. On a bag of Fritos - \r\nYOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. \r\n(The shoplifter special!) \r\n\r\n12. On a bar of Dial soap - \r\nDIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. \r\n(And that would be how?) \r\n\r\n13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -\r\nDO NOT  TURN UPSIDE DOWN. \r\n(Too late! You lose!) \r\n\r\n14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - \r\nPRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. \r\n(Are you sure? Let's experiment.) \r\n\r\n15. On a Korean kitchen knife - \r\nWARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. \r\n(Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) \r\n\r\n16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - \r\nFOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. \r\n(As opposed to use in outer space?) \r\n\r\n17. On a Japanese food processor - \r\nNOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. \r\n(Now I'm curious.) \r\n\r\n18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - \r\nWARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. \r\n(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) \r\n\r\n19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts \r\nINSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. \r\n(I'm glad they cleared that up.) \r\n\r\n20. On a Swedish chainsaw - \r\nDO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. \r\n(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) \r\n\r\n21. On a child's superman costume -WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. \r\n(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) \r\n\r\n22. On some frozen dinners: \r\nSERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. \r\n\r\n23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: \r\nFITS ONE HEAD. \r\n\r\n24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: \r\nDO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. \r\n\r\n25. On Boot's \"Children's\" cough medicine: \r\nDO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. \r\n\r\n26. On Nightly sleep aid: \r\nWARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. \r\n(Duh!)"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\ninterrupting cow\r\ninterrupting co---\r\nMOO"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said \"Sorry, no professionals...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, \"What a treasure!\" and her dad said, \"Yeah! Let's go bury it!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled \"rape\", they yelled \"NO!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said \"I didn't know an animal had escaped.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the mechanic.\r\nThe mechanic, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun. \r\nSo he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. \r\nAfter 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. \r\n\"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.\" \r\n\"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"On a nightly stroll a blonde came across an office building. A sign said, \"Press bell for Watchman.\" She presses it and hears an old man coming down the stairs. He turns on the light, unlocks the gate, and shuts off the security system. When he asked what the blonde wanted, she replied, \"Why can't you press that button for yourself?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Blonde inventions:\r\n\r\nWaterproof towel\r\nUnbreakable egg\r\nSubmarine screen door\r\nSolar powered flash light\r\nHelicopter ejection seat\r\nInflatable dart board\r\nPedal powered wheel chairs"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n1950's Hide-n-seek champion."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, \"LOOK! Dead bird!\"\r\nThe 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells \"Where?!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut?\r\n\r\n\r\nShe's trying to hold onto a thought."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nShe'll never remember the recipe."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a blonde was in a store, and saw a sign advertising a huge TV sale. She goes up to the salesman, and points to a shelf and says, \"I want to buy that TV.\"\r\n\r\nThe man says \"No.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde, assuming its because he hates blondes, goes home and dyes her hair brown. She goes back to the store and asks again, only to again be told again, \"No.\"\r\n\r\nShe goes home dies her hair black, and returns yet again. She asks for the TV, and is told \"No, go home you blonde!\"\r\n\r\nSo she finally snaps and cries, \"I've died my hair twice!How the hell do you know I'm blonde?\"\r\n\r\nThe salesman replies, \"That's a microwave.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do you get a blonde to marry you?\r\n\r\nTell her she's pregnant.\r\n\r\nWhat will be her response?\r\n\r\n\"Is it mine?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office?\r\n\r\nShe couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying \"DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why did the blonde steal a parked police car?\r\n\r\n\r\nShe saw \"911\" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde went into a local salon for a haircut. She was wearing a pair of headphones and she refused to take them off. The hairdresser tried to slip them off to cut her hair but the blonde just screamed \"NO, DONT DO IT!\"\r\nIn a few minutes the blonde fell asleep from all the thinking she had to do to pick out a hairstyle. The hairdresser takes off the headphones and in a few minutes the blonde dies. \r\nThe hairdresser, shocked, then hears the headphones. It was repeating the words \"Inhale... exhale.... inhale..... exhale....\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do you tell a blondes been using your computer?\r\n\r\nThere's whiteout on the screen"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. \r\nThe pharmacist promptly reaches down, pulls out a knife, and lunges at the man.\r\nThe man backs away and yells \"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?\"\r\n\"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?\" replies the pharmacist.\r\nThe man says, \"No I don't, you jerk; but my wife out in the car still does!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a \"Woman\". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says \"I'll build the perfect companion, she'll cook, clean, take care of your every wish and need and will never nag or complain or be angry at you for no reason. It'll only cost you an arm and a leg.\"\r\nAdam says \"But I need my arm and  leg... what can I get for just a rib?\"\r\n\r\nAnd the rest is history..."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said \"Moving!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nFish!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nThree- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nTwo- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nThree- Each to do one good turn daily."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, \"Lord thank us, we have food!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One Halloween, a boy dressed up as a cowboy. He went to a house, and an elderly lady opened the door. She said, \"What might you be?\" and the kid in front of the boy said, \"I'm an Indian! All day, I hunt buffalo and make teepees and wigwams!\" and the lady gave him some candy. Then the boy was up in line. The elderly lady said, \"What might you be?\" and he replied, \"I'm a cowboy! All day, I round up cattle and take them to corrals!\" The lady gave him some candy. \r\n\r\nSo he went to the next house, and a scorching hot teenage girl opened the door. She said, \"What might you be?\" and the girl in front of the boy said, \"I'm a lesbian. All day I think of women, all afternoon I think of women, and all night I think of women.\" The teenage girl gave her some candy, and next the boy was up. The teenage girl said, \"What might you be?\" The boy looked her up and down, and said, \"Well, I thought I was a cowboy!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One evening, on her first date, a blond went to an amusement park with her boyfriend. After they went on the roundabout, the boy said, \"What do you want to do next?\" \r\n\r\nThe girl said, \"I want to be weighed.\" So he weighed the blond on a guess the weight game. Then they went on the roller coaster, and afterwards the boy said, \"What do you want to do next?\" \r\n\r\nThe girl said, \"I want to be weighed.\" So he weighed the blond again, and she weighed the same, so he took her home. \r\n\r\nWhen she got home, she flumped on the couch and her mother said, \"How was the date?\" \r\n\r\nThe blond said, \"Weewy Weewy Wousy.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:\r\n\r\n1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. \r\n\r\n2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. \r\n\r\n3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. \r\n\r\n4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. \r\n\r\n5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. \r\n\r\n6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. \r\n\r\n7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. \r\n\r\n8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. \r\n\r\n9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. \r\n\r\n10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. \r\n\r\n11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.] \r\n\r\n12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. \r\n\r\n13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. \r\n\r\n14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. \r\n\r\n15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. \r\n\r\n16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. \r\n\r\n17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. \r\n\r\n18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. \r\n\r\n19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. \r\n\r\n20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. \r\n\r\n21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. \r\n\r\n22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. \r\nFascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. \r\n\r\nCommunism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. \r\n\r\nCapitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. \r\n\r\nEnron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this. \r\nI was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.\r\n\r\nA man answered nicely saying, \"Hello?\"\r\n\r\nI politely said, \"This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.\r\n\r\nWhen the same person once more answered, I yelled, \"You're a jackass!\" and hung up.\r\n\r\nNext to his phone number I wrote the word \"jackass,\" and put it in my desk drawer.\r\n\r\nEvery couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.\r\n\r\nHe'd answer, and I'd yell, \"You're a jackass!\"\r\n\r\nIt would always cheer me up.\r\n\r\nLater in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.\r\n\r\nThen one day I had an idea.\r\n\r\nI dialed his number, then heard his voice say, \"Hello,\" I made up a name. \"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?\"\r\n\r\nHe went, \"No!\" and slammed the phone down.\r\n\r\nI quickly called him back and said, \"That's because you're a jackass!\"\r\n\r\nThe reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.\r\n\r\nThe old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.\r\nFinally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. \"Great,\" I thought, \"she's finally leaving.\" All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.\r\n\r\nI started honking my horn and yelling, \"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!\" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, \"This guy's a jackass.\r\nThere sure a lot of jackasses in this world.\"\r\n\r\nI noticed he had a \"For Sale\" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number, then I hunted for another place to park.\r\n\r\nA couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, \"You're a jackass!\" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.\r\n\r\nAfter a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, \"Hello.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?\" \r\n\"Yes, it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Can you tell me where I can see it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"What's your name?\"\r\n\r\n\"My name is Don Hansen.\"\r\n\r\n\"When's a good time to catch you, Don?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm home in the evenings.\"\r\n\r\n\"Listen Don, can I tell you something?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don, you're a jackass!\" and I slammed the phone down.\r\n\r\nAfter I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:\r\n\r\nFirst, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.\r\nA man answered nicely saying, \"Hello.\" \r\n\r\nI yelled \"You're a jackass!\" but I didn't hang up.\r\n\r\nThe jackass said, \"Are you still there?\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Yeah.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Stop calling me.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"No.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"What's you name, pal?\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Don Hansen.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Where do you live?\"\r\n\r\n\"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!\" and I hung up.\r\n\r\nThen I called Jackass #2. He answered, \"Hello.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Hello, Jackass!\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"If I ever find out who you are...\"\r\n\r\n\"You'll what?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'll kick your butt.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!\" And I hung up.\r\n\r\nThen I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.\r\n\r\nAnother quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.\r\n\r\nAfter that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!\r\n\r\nName withheld to protect the guilty."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds!  \r\n\r\nThere are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. \r\nSanta has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. \r\n\r\nAssuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. \r\n\r\nThis means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). \r\n\r\nA mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. \r\n\r\nA 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: \r\nOn March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. \r\n\r\nHe left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. \r\n\r\nOrdinarily, Dr. Mills continued, \"a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended\", is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. \r\n\r\nThe room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. \r\n\r\nWhen one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. \r\n\r\nThe continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. \r\n\r\nThe case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. \r\n\r\nNow comes the exquisite twist; further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. \r\nKnown to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who \"never knew how much he was kneaded.\"\r\n\r\nFresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. \r\n\r\nStill, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How is a computer like an air conditioner? \r\nWhen you open Windows it won't work!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: \"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!\"\r\nThe ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, \"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.\r\n19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. \r\n18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. \r\n17. It's a game of inches. \r\n16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. \r\n15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. \r\n14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. \r\n13. He found his tight end. \r\n12. End around. \r\n11. He had to stretch to get it in. \r\n10. He gets penetration in the backfield. \r\n9. He blows them off (at the line). \r\n8. He bangs it in. \r\n7. He could go all the way. \r\n6. He gets it off just in time. \r\n5. He goes deep. \r\n4. He found a hole and slid through it. \r\n3. He pounds it in. \r\n2. He beats them off (the line) \r\n1. He's got great hands."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. \r\n-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. \r\n\r\n-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. \r\n\r\n-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. \r\n\r\n-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. \r\n\r\n-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. \r\n\r\n-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. \r\n\r\n-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. \r\n\r\n-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. \r\n\r\n-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. \r\n\r\n-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. \r\n\r\n-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. \r\n\r\n-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. \r\n2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. \r\n3. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. \r\n4. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. \r\n5. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. \r\n6. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. \r\n7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. \r\n8. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. \r\n9. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. \r\n10 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. \r\n11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. \r\n12. When someone has a good reason for doing something, they will most likely be hated by everyone."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? \r\nA: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks \"How did you do that?  I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!\". The jumper responds by slurring, \"Well, I don't get it either.  I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.\" He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps.  As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, \"You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What's the definition of bravery? \r\nA man with diarrhea chancing a fart!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How does santa greet the three blonde sisters?\r\n\r\n\r\nHo. Ho. Ho."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat?\r\n\r\n\r\nTell her only the aisle seats are going to California."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why are New Yorkers always depressed?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, \"Looks like plastic, feels like rubber.\" While looking at something in his hand. \r\nThe man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, \"It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?\"\r\nThe drunk replies, \"From my nose.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The day before Christmas break, a few kindergarten students decided to give their teacher a gift.\r\n\r\nThe first gift was from a little girl whos daddy was a florist. The teacher takes the present unwraps it and discovers it's flowers. She thanks the girl and takes the next present.\r\nIts from a little boy whose daddy own a candy store. She unwraps the present and sure enough there's a box of chocolates. She thanks the boy and takes the last gift.\r\nThe last gift is from a boy whose daddy owns a liquor store. The gift is dripping with a weird liquid. Shocked that the boy's father would give him alcohol to give to a teacher, decides to say nothing and guess what it is.\r\n\"Is it champagne?\" \r\nThe boy replies \"No.\"\r\n\"Is it wine?\"\r\nThe boy again replies \"Nope.\"\r\nThe teacher gives up and asks what it is. \r\nThe excited boy yells, \"ITS A PUPPY!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A little blind rabbit and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see what species they were so they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the rabbit would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what species he was. The snake ran his tongue over the rabbit.\r\n\r\n\"Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose,\" the snake said; \"you must be a rabbit.\"\r\nThe rabbit then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said, \"Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard .... you must be a lawyer!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, \"Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.\" \r\nThe woman says, \"No he didn't, he just walked in the door.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a priest had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to cover for him at the confessional, so he calls over an old school chum of his who happens to be a rabbi.\r\nThe rabbi had no idea what to do but agreed to cover for the priest. The priest needed to show the rabbi how everything worked, so when the first person came in the priest said, \"What is your sin my son?\"\r\nThe man said \"I've commited adultery.\"\r\nThe priest asks, \"How many times?\"\r\nThe man says, \"3 times.\"\r\nThe priest replies, \"Do 10 Hail Marys, then put $5 in the donation box.\"\r\nThen the second man comes in and says he committed adultery also. When asked how many times he said 3. The priest replied again, \"Do 10 Hail Marys then put $5 in the donation box.\"\r\nThe rabbi tells the priest he has got the hang of it and that he should go to the doctor's now.\r\nAfter the rabbi is alone another man comes up to the confessional.\r\nThe rabbi asks, \"What is your sin?\"\r\nThe man replies, \"I've committed adultery.\"\r\nThe rabbi asks, \"How many times?\"\r\nThe man says, \"Once.\"\r\nThe rabbi says, \"Go home, do it 2 more times. We're having a special today. 3 for $5.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, \"NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!\"\r\n\r\nTo which the blonde replies \"SHUT UP! You're next!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work together in an office building. Their female boss always leaves work early. So one day the brunette says, \"Lets skip out early today. No one will notice.\"\r\n\r\nSo they all leave work early. The brunette goes to a movie, and the redhead goes to a few bars. The blonde though wanted to go home and have sex with her husband.\r\n\r\nShe arrives home and goes into her bedroom where her husband and her boss are having sex. The blonde quietly slips out the door and runs from her house. \r\n\r\nThe next day when the brunette suggested they skip work again the blonde replied, \"No way! I almost got caught yesterday.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nSomeone too short to ring the doorbell."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A college student sent the following letter to her parents:\r\n\r\nHi Parent$!\r\n\r\nToday i$ $eptember 15. I'm doing $uperb in $chool (or, $hould I $ay, college). The teacher$ are great, my roommate$ are great, and I'm having a $uper time! All I could u$e right now is a little ca$h.\r\n\r\nTo which the parents responded:\r\n\r\nHi daughter!\r\n\r\nNOthing happening on this end. Something's wrong, because you kNOw, we got this letter in NOvember. I am NOt worrying about anything down here, kNOck on wood huh?\r\n\r\nYour loving parents,\r\nNOrden and Morden Finkelstein."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, \"Does this taste funny to you?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so dumb, she had you."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Politics comes from the root \"poli-\", which means many, and \"-tics\", which means, blood-sucking creatures."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Ok, 3 canadians were walking along the beach, one from the Yukon, one from Quebec, and one from Newfoundland. Now, it happened that they found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, the genie promised each of them one wish. The Yukon said, \"I wish for fish teeming in our waters for a million years.\" The genie snapped his fingers and said, \"Done.\" \r\nThe Yukon man went off to go fish. Now the Quebec man said, \"Being as the Quebecois's (is that right?) are a superior race, I want a wall a mile high and a mile thick all the way around Quebec so no one can get in, and no one can get out. \r\nSo the genie snapped his fingers, and transported the Quebecois to Quebec so there were no problems. \r\nThe Newfie stepped up and said, \"Ok, it's a mile high and a mile thick, and no one can get in or out right?\" \r\n\"Correct.\" said the genie. \r\n\"Fill it with water.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Laundromat sign:\r\n\r\nAutomatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Sign at an office kitchen:\r\n\r\nAfter the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that!\r\n   It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me!\r\n  Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your mom is so fat her picture fell down."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole. \r\n\r\nThe limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything.\r\n\r\nThe brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole.\r\n\r\nThe asshole said simply, \"I'm the boss.\"\r\n\r\nThe brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and became fuzzy, the limbs became cold, sweaty and clammy, the body was going to hell. So the brain and limbs decided the asshole was the boss.\r\n\r\nMorale of the story is that it doesnt matter how good you are or what you do for others, only the asshole will become the person in charge."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma so fat she uses pillows for pantyliners\r\n\r\nYour momma so fat she got stuck in the Grand Canyon"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, \"No way, you've had enough.\"\r\nSo the drunk leaves.\r\nThe drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink.\r\nThe bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave.\r\nThe drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink.\r\nThe bartender says, \"Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough.\"\r\nThe drunk says, \"DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out. \r\nThe next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.\r\nThe next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.\r\nThe bartender replies in an angry voice, \"What? No beer for me this time?\"\r\nThe man says, \"No way man, you're violent when you drink.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face.\r\n\r\n5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face.\r\n\r\n5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside.\r\n\r\n6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face.\r\n\r\nHe takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked him what the hell he was doing. \r\n\r\nThe drunk replies, \"I'm the designated decoy.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back. \r\nThen his wife whispers, \"I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted.\"\r\nThe man whispers, \"No I haven't, and no I'm not.\"\r\nThe woman replies, \"Then where's your wheelchair?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. \r\nThe bartender thinks, \"This guy doesn't know the difference,\" so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. \r\nThe patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, \"I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!\" \r\nStill unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. \r\nThe patron takes a sip...same reaction. \r\nBut the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. \r\nFinally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. \r\nAll the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. \r\nHe slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: \"Shay mishter, tashte this!\" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. \r\n\"That tastes like pee!\" he shoots back at the drunk. \r\nThe drunk replies: \"It ish. Now how old am I?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on.\r\nThe man replies, \"It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. \r\nThey took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window. \r\nAfter they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, \"Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?\"\r\nThe nun replied, \"Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice. It said, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Thinking its in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, \"Jesus is watching you.\"\r\nThe burglar not very religious but still scared says, \"Who are you?\"\r\nThen he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner. The parrot then says, \"Jesus is watching you.\"\r\nThe burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot replied, \"Satan.\"\r\nThe burglar laughs and says, \"Who would name their parrot Satan?\"\r\nThe parrot says, \"Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. \r\n\"Sorry, we don't need anyone...\" they replied. \r\n\"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!\" \r\n\"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.\" \r\nHe was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. \r\n\"How in the world did you do that?\" they asked. \r\n\"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!\" \r\n\"Did you get a urine sample?\" they asked him. \r\n\"What's that?\" he asked. \r\n\"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.\" \r\nHe was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, \"Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's.\" \r\n\"That's good,\" they said, \"but what's in those two buckets?\" \r\n\"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde walked in a library and went to the librarian, pulls out a thick book and started screaming at her. \r\nShe yells, \"THIS BOOK IS HORRIBLE! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AND NO PLOT WHATSOEVER!\"\r\nThe librarian stares at her, then calmly replies, \"So you're the one who took our phone book.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There once was a redneck and his redneck wife. The wife didn't want another child, and asked the redneck husband to get surgery so he can't impregnate his wife.\r\n\r\nThe redneck goes to a very expensive doctor. The doctor who is in a hurry and is sure the redneck can't pay for his operation, just hands the redneck a firecracker and says, \"Light this, hold it, count to 10.\" The redneck is confused but the doctor seems to know what he's doing.\r\n\r\nThe redneck goes home and lights the firecracker. He starts counting with the aid of his fingers... \"1...2...3...4...5...\" The redneck pauses, puts the firecracker between his legs and resumes counting on the other hand...."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers.\r\nThe second guys goes, \"Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!\"\r\nThe first guy replies, \"I dont need to; I only have to outrun you.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A drunk is in the bar and crying uncontrollably. \r\nThe man beside him asks him what's wrong.\r\nThe drunk says, \"I forgot what my wife told me, she said if I went out drinking again she'd divorce me and take the kids.\"\r\nThe man says, \"Well don't go home yet. It's only 6 p.m. Walk it off\"\r\nThe drunk replies, \"GREAT IDEA!\" Then he barfs all over his shirt, and now he is crying even more.\r\nThe man says, \"Look... you got 20 dollars on you?\" The drunk hands him $20. The man puts the bill in the drunk's shirt pocket and says, \"When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk stumbled out onto the street, bumped into you and puked on you. And he gave you $20 for the dry cleaning.\"\r\nThe drunk is so happy now and heads home.\r\nWhen he gets home his wife starts screaming at him. The drunk just says, \"Honey I wasn't drinking. A drunk came out of a bar and bumped into me and then he puked all over me, then he put $20 in my pocket for dry cleaning.\"\r\nThe wife looks in the pocket and pulls out 2 $20 bills.\r\nThe man says, \"O yeah, he also crapped in my pants.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"It is said that \"it is always in the last place you look\"\r\nWell of course!  Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?\r\n\r\nA stick."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A horse walked into a bar.\r\nThe barman said,\r\n\"Why the long face?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. \r\nThe bartender says, \"Dang, why are you drinking so fast?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"You would be drinking fast if you had what I have.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"What do you have?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"75 cents.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"TO: Boss\r\nFROM: Blondie\r\nRE: Changing Calendars from Y2K \r\nI hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.  The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: \r\n\r\n\r\nJanuark\r\nFebruark\r\nMak\r\nJulk\r\n\r\nI also changed all the days of each week to: \r\n\r\nSundak\r\nMondak\r\nTuesdak\r\nWednesdak\r\nThursdak\r\nFridak\r\nSaturdak \r\nWe are now Y to K compliant.  Have a nice dak!!!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. \r\n\"My son,\" the first one says, \"started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!\" \r\n\"My son,\" said the second, \"started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!\" \r\n\"My son,\" said the third, \"started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.\" \r\n\"Well,\" the fourth guy said, \"my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. \r\n\"Yes!\" he says looking and sounding relieved, \"This is very important.\" \r\n\r\nGlad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, \"Thanks, I only need one copy.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"In the beginning was the Plan\r\nAnd then came the assumptions\r\nAnd the assumptions were without form\r\nAnd the Plan was completely without substance\r\nAnd darkness was upon the faces of the workers\r\n\r\nAnd they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:\r\n\"It is a crock, and it stinketh!\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:\r\n\"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them: \r\n\"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:\r\n\"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:\r\n\"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him:\r\n\"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the President went unto the Chairman of the Board and sayeth unto him:\r\n\"This powerful new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of the Company.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Chairman looked upon the Plan\r\nAnd saw that it was good.\r\nAnd the Plan became Policy.\r\n\r\n-source unknown"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Knock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nDwayne\r\nDwayne who?\r\nDwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Dad said to yo mama, \"We're getting a color TV!\" and yo mama asked, \"What color?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so stupid she waited at a Stop sign until it said Go."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see the other side."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so stupid she thinks these jokes are funny."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, \"Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat\"."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An actual headline: \"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An actual headline: \"Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Every \"Hormone Hostage\" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.\r\n\r\nThis is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: What's for dinner?\r\nSAFER: Can I help you with dinner?\r\nSAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?\r\nSAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.\r\nSAFEST: Wow! Look at you!\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?\r\nSAFER: Could we be overreacting?\r\nSAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?\r\nSAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.\r\nSAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?\r\nSAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.\r\nSAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde has just inherited a Ranch but only had two horses. The problem was she couldn't tell them apart. So she goes to her neighbor rancher and asks for help. He suggests cutting ones tail a bit shorter then the other. She does it but then a week later she comes back and tells the neighbor rancher that it grew back. So he tells her to tie a different colored string around one of the horses neck. She does it but a week later the tie slips off and she has to go back to the neighbor. So he suggest she paint a different color spot on each of the horses. She does and comes back a week later with cookies. \r\nShe tells the neighbor rancher, \"Here I baked these for you. Your plan worked perfectly. I painted a red spot on the black horse and a blue spot on the white horse.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do you keep a Rhino from charging?\r\n\r\nTake away its credit card."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? \r\n \r\nOnly one-they don't like to share the spotlight."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? \r\nA: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going \"To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? \r\n\r\nA: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"PARATROOPER \r\n\r\nA young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. \r\n\r\n\"Dad\" he says, \"on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well did you jump?\" asks his dad. \r\n\r\n\"Just a little at first\" answered the boy."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a short psychic on the lam?\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nA small medium at large!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do you praise a computer?\r\nSay \"Data Boy\"!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Three men, two brunettes and a blond, are being chased by a tiger through the jungle. They get to a river and have two choices: 1. Get across the river without being eaten by pirannhas or 2. Get eaten by the tiger.\r\n They spot a genie  and the genie says I can grant you one wish.. \r\n\r\nThe first blond man thinks \"I wish I can get across safely.\" He swims across and makes it without a scratch. \r\nThe second blond man says \"I want to be even smarter than the first man.\" He climbed onto a raft and paddled across. \r\n The brunette thinks \"I want to be the smartest of them all\". Instantly, he turned into a woman, and she walked across a nearby bridge."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,\"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours.\" The cat says\"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor.\" Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep. \r\n\r\nA week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply \"All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore....\" They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates.\r\n\r\nA month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks \"How are you doing? Are you happy?\" Kitty answers \" Life here is SUPER! Oh, and by the way, those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they're so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it's ok. They don't want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they're complete nutcases. \r\n\r\nBut the doctor wants to show them that the patients are really good. So he brings them in and says, \"Sit Nuts.\" And all the patients sit.\r\nHe then says, \"Stand Nuts.\" And all the patients stand. He then says \"Talk Nuts.\" And they all start chatting. The other doctors are impressed and agree its ok. \r\n\r\nSo they go to the stadium and the doctor leaves to go get snacks. When he comes back out everyone is running and screaming. He stops a guy and asks him what the heck is happening. The man replies, \"The vendor came by and started yelling PEANUTS! and a bunch of people started pissing all over the place.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug.\r\n\r\n\"Well, they feel a bit tight,\" says the man.\r\n\r\nThe salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, \"How do they feel now?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man is sitting at his register and a beautiful young women comes in asking to use the bathroom. Even though she is beautiful the man refuses to let her use it. At least until she buys something. So she buys a pack of gum and then asks again. He says, \"yes.\"\r\n\r\nShe comes out a few minutes later, and in her most seductive voice starts talking to him, she slips her finger in his mouth and lets him lick it for awhile. After a while she pops her finger out of his mouth and says, \"You're out of toilet paper.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. \r\nThe man decides to ask.\r\nHe takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, \"Which hole did my fart come out of?\"\r\nSt. Peter replies, \"That's easy; this one,\" and he points to a hole.\r\nThe man smiles and says, \"Nope! It came out of this one!\" and he points to his ass."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, \"Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man was on a bridge as a news reporter walked by. She was told that if she didn't cover another story in 2 hours, she'd be fired. All of a sudden, the man starts to count \"1,2,..\"\r\n\"Wait!\" interrupts the reporter.\r\n\"What is it?\"\r\n\"What are you trying to do?\"\r\n\"I'm going to commit suicide.\"\r\n\"May I join you?\"\r\n\"Certainly.\"\r\nThe two shout \"1,2...\"\r\nThey're interrupted by a man walking down the street.\r\n\"May I join you?\" he asks.\r\n\"Sure.\"\r\n\"1,2...\"\r\n\r\nAs soon as the two men said 3, they jumped off, but the clever reporter stayed behind. \r\n\r\n\"3,2,1, and cue!\"\r\n\"Good evening, I am just arriving at the scene of a crime. Two men just jumped off of this bridge.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. \r\n\r\n\"Can I touch it?\" \r\n\r\n\"No way -- you already broke yours off!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it.\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer replied. \"This is my property, and you are not coming over here.\" \r\n\r\nThe indignant lawyer said, \"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer smiled and said, \"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule.\" \r\n\r\nThe lawyer asked, \"What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?\" The farmer replied. \"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.\" \r\n\r\nThe attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. \r\n\r\nHis first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited. \r\n\r\nThe geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. \r\n\r\nThe barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. \r\n\r\nThe lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, \"Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn.\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer said, \"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, \"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?\" She responded, \"Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.\" \r\n\r\nThe lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, \"Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?\" \r\n\r\nShe again replied, \"Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.\" \r\n\r\nAt this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, \"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer!' and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. \r\n\r\nHe turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.' The priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door'"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him \"What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?\" \r\nThe Lawyer thought a moment, then said, \"A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.\" \r\n\r\nSaint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. \r\n\r\nSaint Peter said, \"Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.\" \r\n\r\nThe Lawyer said, \"Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.\" \r\n\r\nSaint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. \r\n\r\nSaint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, \"Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?\" \r\n\r\nGabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, \"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened his own law office. One day he was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.\r\n\r\n\"Show him right in!\" the lawyer replied.\r\n\r\nAs Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it \"...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!\"\r\n\r\nSlamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, \"Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm from the telphone company,\" Mr. Jones replied. \"I'm here to connect that phone.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?\r\nA: There are skid marks in front of the dog."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?\r\nA: Professional courtesy."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?\r\nA: Not enough sand."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?\r\nA: Stick his bill up his rear."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, \"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.\" \r\n\r\n\"It's in the judge's hands now,\" said the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?\" asked the defendant. \r\n\r\n\"Oh no!\" said the lawyer. \"This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.\" \r\n\r\nWithin the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, \"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,\" said the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"But I did send them,\" said the defendant. \r\n\r\n\"What?? You did?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, That's how we won the case.\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't understand,\" said the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Knock-knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nBoo!\r\nBoo who?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDon't cry it's just a joke"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nTwo (think about it)"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are all about to be shot by a firing squad. The redhead goes out first and stands in front of them. Right before they shoot, the redhead screams, \"Tornado!\" The firing squad turns to look, and the redhead runs away. \r\n\r\nThe brunette is up next, and decides it would be a good idea to to do the same thing that the redhead did. So, just as the firing squad is about to shoot, she screams, \"Earthquake!\" The firing squad looks around for a moment, distracted, giving the brunette just enough time to run away. \r\n\r\nThen the blonde comes up and decides to copy the redhead and the brunette. Just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the blonde screams, \"Fire!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him. \r\n\r\n\"Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would,\" says the lamaze instructor. \r\n\r\nThe husband smiles slyly. \"You want me to pick it up 'exactly' how my wife would? He asks. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, exactly how your wife would,\" the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently. \r\n\r\nThe man looks at his wife, and says, \"Honey, pick up that pencil.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The lawyer gets bored, so he looks over to the blond and smiles, thinking maybe he can make use of his time. \"Hey,\" he says to the blonde, \"Do you want to play a game?\" The blonde shakes her head and goes back to her reading. \r\n\r\nFive minutes later, the lawyer asks her again. She shakes her head again. When the lawyer asks her for a third time, she is exasperated and finally asks him what the game is just to get this lawyer off her back. \r\n\r\n\"It's simple. I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you give me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll give you five bucks.\" Seeing the blonde looks skeptical, he smiles, thinking she doesn't look very smart so he'll still make money if he changes things around a little bit. \"Fine, how about this - if I get the question you ask me wrong, I pay you a HUNDRED bucks instead.\" Finally the blonde shrugs and looks at the man. \r\n\r\n\"How many miles are there from the earth to the sun?\" asks the lawyer. The blonde silently reaches into her purse and hands him five dollars. The lawyer smiles. \"Your turn,\" he says in a friendly tone of voice. The blonde paused, then said, \"What has 7 legs in the daytime and 2 legs at night? \r\n\r\nThe lawyer was stumped by this. He took out his laptop and emailed all his colleagues, to no avail. Finally he shakes his head and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill. He sits in silence for a moment, then says, \"So what's the answer?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde silently reaches into her purse and hands the lawyer a five dollar bill."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane\r\nGood news: He had a parachute\r\nBad news: The parachute didn't work\r\nGood news: There was a haystack beneath him\r\nBad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack\r\nGood news: He missed the pitchfork\r\nBad news: He missed the haystack"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks up to the bartender in a bar and says, \"I bet you twenty dollars I can pee into that cup over there.\" He points to a cup over the bar about 4 feet away. The bartender says sure, positive that the man can't do it and he's about to make 20 bucks. Sure enough, the man ends up peeing all over the bar, anywhere but in the cup. The bartender, laughing, collects twenty dollars. The man is still smiling. Curious, the bartender asks, \"You just lost your bet. Why are you smiling?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the man, \"I just bet that man over there that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't do anything but laugh.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. \r\n\r\nAnother pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. \r\n\r\nA third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. \"Wait,\" says the bartender, curious, \"Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" says the pig, \"I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.\" \r\n\r\n-Courtesy of my cousin"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Roses are red\r\nViolets are blue\r\nI'm schizophrenic\r\nAnd so am I!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this warning...\r\n\r\n\"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains  lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.\r\n\r\n\"Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo Mama is so fat, she went to buy a water bed and they put a blanket over the Altantic Ocean."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.\r\n\"Yes,\" says the blonde.\r\n\"Are their lights on?\"\r\nThe blonde has to think for a moment, then says, \"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two blonds decided to go shopping. A few hours later they come out and the first blond realizes that she has locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, the first blond looks off into the distance and sees storm clouds. She turns to her friend and says, \"Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the convertible top open!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, \"Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.\" \r\n50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. \r\n\r\nAnother drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks. \r\n\r\nAnother trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, \"Say what breed is that anyway?\" \r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.  Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.  Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.\r\n\r\nMoses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.  The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.  The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother.  The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.\r\n\r\nMoses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.\r\n\r\nDavid was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.\r\n\r\nJesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.  He also explained, \"Man doth not live by sweat alone.\"\r\n\r\nThe people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.  The epistles were the wives of the apostles.  One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.\r\n\r\nSt. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.  A Christian should have only one wife.  This is called monotony."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however,  I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line  to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very \"with it\" attitude. \r\n \r\n \"I see we have the same taste,\" I said proudly to the 20- something behind me. \r\n \r\n \"Yes,\" she replied. \"I'm getting this for my grandmother.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, \"Do I click the square?\" I said yes.\r\n \r\nShe then asked me, \"Single click or double click?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day, an old man went to a teenager with spiked hair. He asked him, \"Have you done anything crazy in your life?\"\r\nThe teen replied, \"No\".\r\nSo the old man said, \"Well, about 15 years ago, I was drunk, and I saw a porcupine. Now I am wondering if you are my son.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day, a teen went to the docter, and said: \"DOCTOR! Whenever I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!\" The docter replies, \"Drink lots of water, and keep your feet elevated.\" The next week, the teen comes back and says that dimes come out. The doctor says the same thing. Next week, he says that quarters are coming. Then half dollars. The doctor finally replies, \"You're at the time where you go through change.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, \"What shall I do with this extra breast?\" And God created Adam."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.\r\n\r\n\"And how do you find the English students, Donald?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Mother,\" he replied,\"they're such terrible, noisy\r\npeople. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"\"And will there be anything else, sir?\" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.\r\n\r\n\"No, thank you,\" the gentleman replied. \"That will be all.\"\r\n\r\nAs the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. \"Anything for your wife?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yeah! That's a good idea,\" the fellow said...\r\n\r\n\"Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, \"PIG!!\"\r\n\r\nThe man immediately leans out his window and replies,\r\n\"BITCH!!\"\r\n\r\nThey each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am.\r\n\r\nThe next day at 8:45 am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door, and the assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.\r\n\r\nHe says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.\r\n\r\nSure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.\r\n\r\nThe personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, \"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.\r\n\r\nAfter a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\"\r\n\r\nThe third fellow says, \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\"\r\n\r\nThe first two guys were amazed. \"Wow! What happened then?\" they asked.\r\n\r\nThe third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and\r\nuttered, \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.\r\n\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\"."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the  congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty.  \r\n\r\nA priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck \"My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?\"\r\n\r\nOn hearing this, the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says, \"Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why are the blonde's boobs square?\r\n\r\nShe forgot to take the tissues out of the box!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road, so he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he reads a sign: \"NO NERDS\". He shrugs it off and enters. He is greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. \"Are you a nerd?\" the bartender asks. \"No, I'm a truck driver\", he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.\r\n\r\nWhile he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. \"What the hell did you do that for!?\" Asks the trucker. \"Well,\" the bartender answers, \"it's nerd season\". \"Nerd season?\" asks the trucker, confused. \"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season\".\r\n\r\nSo, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. While he's driving, the car in front of him suddenly swerves and crashes. To avoid becoming part of the disaster, he swerves to get out of the way, loses control, and his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this and remembers what the bartender told him. He goes back to his truck, pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.\r\n\r\nWhile doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, \"STOP! STOP!\" \"What?\" the trucker asks, confused, \"I thought it was nerd season.\" \"Well, yeah,\" the officer answers, \"but you can't bait 'em!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his\r\npredicament.\r\n\r\nDear Bubba,\r\n\r\nI am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.\r\n\r\nLove Dad\r\n\r\n\r\nA few days later he received a letter from his son.\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Dad,\r\n\r\nFor heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!\r\n\r\nLove Bubba\r\n\r\n\r\nAt 4 the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police\r\nshowed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Dad,\r\n\r\nGo ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.\r\n\r\nLove Bubba."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?\r\n\r\nYou see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"How do a blond's braincells die?\r\n\r\nAlone."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A judge asks a defendant to stand. \"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.\" From out of the audience a man shouts \"You lying maggot!\"\r\n\r\n\"Silence in the court!\" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, \"You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.\"\r\n\r\n\"You Goddamned tightwad!\" blurted the spectator.\r\n\r\n\"Quiet!\" yelled the judge. \"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.\"\r\n\r\n\"You cheap son of a...\" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back \"If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!\"\r\n\r\n\"I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says \"What have you done bad in your life son\". \r\n\r\nThe boy responds with \"I've swore to my mother.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest says,\"Take one sip of holy water.\" \r\n\r\nThe second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, \"What have you done bad in your life son?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy responds with, \"I've stolen something\".\r\n\r\nThe priest says \"Take two sips of holy water.\"\r\n\r\nAfter every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.\r\n\r\nSo the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, \"What have you done bad in your life son\" \r\n\r\nThe boy responds with, \"I peed in the holy water.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays\r\nat 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door.\r\n\r\nWeight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use\r\nlarge double doors at the side entrance."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.\r\n\r\nAs he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at, since we got married.\r\n\r\nWell, \"Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the man replies, \"They're all at the funeral.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father  invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger. \r\n\r\nSuddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence. \r\n\r\n\"Brrroough,\" went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, \"Rover! Get off that couch!\" \r\n\r\nThe young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed. \r\n\r\nSure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, \"Rover! I said get off the couch!\" \r\n\r\nHappily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly. \r\n\r\nFinally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, \"Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE craps ON YOU!!!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo momma is so dumb that when she got locked in the grocery store she starved to death!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. \r\nThen St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. \r\n\r\nThe lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.'' \r\n\r\nA year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. \r\n\r\n''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.'' \r\n\r\n''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.'' \r\n\r\n''But my friend, where is the danger in this?'' \r\n\r\nUmballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. \r\n2. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. \r\n3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. \r\n4. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. \r\n5. Forgot to pay his brain bill. \r\n6. A few clowns short of a circus. \r\n7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. \r\n8. Too much yardage between the goal posts. \r\n9. A few beers short of a six-pack. \r\n10. Dumber than a box of hair. \r\n11. A few peas short of a casserole. \r\n12. One taco short of a combination plate. \r\n13. All foam, no beer. \r\n14. The cheese slid off his cracker. \r\n15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. \r\n16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2\r\n17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 18. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. \r\n19. As smart as bait. \r\n20. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. \r\n21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. \r\n22. Surfing in Nebraska. \r\n22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. \r\n23. One sandwich short of a picnic. \r\n24. The light's on, but nobody's home. \r\n25. If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The bumper sticker on your car reads: \"What Would Dawson Do?\" \r\nIn the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline. \r\nYou need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out. \r\nIn the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial. \r\nIf you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, \"Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!\" \r\nYou try to impress the opposite sex by saying, \"Hey, I get 120 channels!\" \r\nYour entire CD collection consists of \"Greatest Hits\" albums by the decade. \r\nYou have a gold-plated \"clicker.\" \r\nYour intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel. \r\nAfter 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been really good friends for a long time. Well, one day the deacon got sick and was taken to hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, \"How ya doing?\" The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. \"You want that?\" the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. \"He was a good man and I'll never forget him,\" the preacher said, \"I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.\" The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. \"Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. \r\n''Why?'' he asks. \r\n\r\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. \r\n\r\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' \r\n\r\n''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. \r\nFinally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. \r\n\r\nAfter several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). \r\n\r\nThey get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). \r\n\r\nUnfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. \r\n\r\nOn the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. \r\n\r\nOur hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl. 'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. \r\n\r\nThey board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it. \r\n2. All the numbers in your little black book start with \"1-900.\"\r\n3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club. \r\n4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep. \r\n5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of \"pillow talk.\" \r\n6. Your personal ad reads: \"Seeking Anybody.\" \r\n7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase \"Who cares?\" \r\n8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.\r\n9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, \"Put your right foot in, take your right foot out.\" \r\n10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. \r\n\"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!\" \r\n\r\n\"Dad,\" the boy said, \"I'm over here.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.\r\n \r\nBefore the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. \r\n\r\nWhen the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. \r\n\r\n\"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,\" he said. \"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.\" \r\n\r\n\"How can you say such a thing?\" asked the lawyer. \r\n\r\nThe cop replied, \"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ahhh!\" screamed the lawyer. \"Where's my Rolex?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"If Men Ruled the World  \r\n\r\n\r\nAny fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. \r\nNodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to \"I love you.\" \r\nHallmark would make \"Sorry, what was your name again?\" cards. \r\nIf your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. \r\nBreaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a \"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time,\" would pretty much do it. \r\nBirth control would come in ale or lager. \r\nYou'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like \"Heywood J'Blowme.\" \r\nEach year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. \r\nThe funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. \r\n\"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night\" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. \r\nAt the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. \r\nIt'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. \r\nLifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the \"public ugliness\" ordinance. \r\nTanks would be far easier to rent. \r\nGarbage would take itself out. \r\nInstead of beer belly, you'd get \"beer biceps.\" \r\nInstead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, \"You're #1!\" \r\nValentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. \r\nOn Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. \r\nSt. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. \r\nBut it would be celebrated every month. \r\nCops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. \r\nTwo words: Ally McNaked. \r\nRegis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. \r\nThe victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. \r\nThe only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. \r\nIt would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. \r\nEvery man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. \r\nWhen a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. \r\n    As in: Cop: \"You know how fast you were going?\" \r\n    You: \"All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.\"\r\n    Cop: \"Nice one. That's $10 off.\" \r\nFaucets would run \"Hot,\" \"Cold,\" and \"100 proof.\" \r\nThe Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. \r\nPeople would never talk about how fresh they felt. \r\nDaisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. \r\nTelephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her. \r\n\"Oh, my child,\" he said, \"your dress is most lovely.\" \r\n\r\n\"Thank you, Father,\" she replied. \r\n\r\nThe radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, my child,\" said the priest, \"your conversation is most lovely.\" \r\n\r\n\"Thank you, Father,\" said the prostitute. \r\n\r\nFinally, the priest sat her down and said, \"Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you.\" \r\n\r\nAnd the prostitute said, \"Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Christmas Italian Style  \r\n\r\n'Twas the night before Christmas, \r\nDa whole house was mella \r\nNot a creature was stirrin', \r\nCuz I had a gun unda my pilla. \r\n\r\nWhen up on da roof \r\nI heard somethin' pound, \r\nI sprung to da window, \r\nTo scream, \"YO! Keep it down!\" \r\n\r\n\r\nWhen what to my \r\nWonderin' eyes should appear, \r\nBut da Don of all elfs, \r\nAnd eight friggin' reindeer! \r\n\r\n\r\nWit' slicked back black hair, \r\nAnd a silk red suit, \r\nDon Santa wuz here, \r\nAnd he brought all da loot! \r\n\r\nWit' a slap to dare snouts, \r\nAnd a yank on dare manes, \r\nHe cursed and he shouted, \r\nAnd he called dem by name. \r\n\r\n\"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, \r\nYo Vinny, Yo Vito, \r\nAy Joey, Ay Paulie, \r\nAy Pepe, Ay Guido!\" \r\n\r\n\r\nAs I drew out my gun \r\nAnd hid by da bed, \r\nHe flew troo da winda \r\nAnd slapped me 'side da head. \r\n\r\n\"What da hell you doin' \r\nPullin' a gun on da Don? \r\nNow all you're gettin' is coal, \r\nYou friggin' moron!\" \r\n\r\nDen pointin' a fat finga \r\nRight unda my nose, \r\nHe twisted his pinky ring, \r\nAnd up da chimney he rose. \r\n\r\nHe sprang to his sleigh, \r\nObscenities screamin', \r\nAway dey all flew, \r\nBefore he troo dem a beatin' \r\n\r\nDen I heard him yell out, \r\nWhat I did least expect, \r\n\"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, \r\nAnd yous better show some respect!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Did you get any under the tree? \r\nI think your balls are hanging too low. \r\nCheck out Rudolph's honker! \r\nSanta's sack is really bulging. \r\nLift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. \r\nDid you get a piece of the fruitcake? \r\nI love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. \r\nFrom here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. \r\nCan I interest you in some dark meat? \r\nTo get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. \r\nShe tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. \r\n\r\nFinally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. \r\n\r\nShe starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, \"You have acute appendicitis.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde yelled at the doctor, \"I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. \r\nOne Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, \"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!\" \r\n\r\nWell, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' \r\n\r\nThis seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. \r\n\r\nA few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. \r\n\r\n\"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen.\" \r\n\r\nThe mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, \"I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son  \r\n\r\n\r\n    Dear Son,\r\n\r\n    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.\r\n\r\n    This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.\r\n\r\n    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.\r\n\r\n    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.\r\n\r\n    We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.\r\n\r\n    About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.\r\n\r\n    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three days.\r\n\r\n    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was driving and the other two were in the back.  The driver got out.  He rolled down the window and swam to safety.  The other 2 drowned.  They couldn't get the tail gate down.\r\n\r\n    Not much more news this time.  Nothing much happened.  If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.\r\n\r\nLove, Ma"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"40 Things Never Said By Southerners  \r\n\r\n\r\n40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.\r\n39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.\r\n38. Duct tape won't fix that.\r\n37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.\r\n36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.\r\n35. We don't keep firearms in this house.\r\n34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?\r\n33. You can't feed that to the dog.\r\n32. I thought Graceland was tacky.\r\n31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.\r\n30. Wrasslin's fake.\r\n29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?\r\n28. We're vegetarians.\r\n27. Do you think my gut is too big?\r\n26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.\r\n25. Honey, we don't need another dog.\r\n24. Who's Richard Petty?\r\n23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.\r\n22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.\r\n21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.\r\n20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.\r\n19. Trim the fat off that steak.\r\n18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.\r\n17. The tires on that truck are too big.\r\n16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.\r\n15. I've got it all on the C drive.\r\n14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.\r\n13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?\r\n12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.\r\n11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.\r\n10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.\r\n09. Checkmate.\r\n08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.\r\n07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?\r\n06. Hey, here's an episode of \"Hee Haw\" that we haven't  seen.\r\n05. I don't have a favorite college team.\r\n04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.\r\n03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.\r\n02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.\r\n01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: \"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.\" \r\n\r\nThe father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. \r\n\r\nThe next night, he heard his son praying again: \"God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.\" \r\n\r\nThe father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. \r\n\r\nReally scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: \"God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.\" \r\n\r\nNow the father was crapping in his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, \"Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There once was a set of twin alligators that grew up in the same bayou.  One, however, was much larger and stronger than the other.  \r\n\r\nOne day the twins were sitting there talking, and trying to figure out why one was so much bigger - since they were the same age, had the same genes, and grew up in the same place.  The bigger alligator asked his smaller brother where he had been feeding.  The smaller said, \"down in that parking lot at the end of the bayou, why?\".  The bigger said, \"well, thats where I feed too, what's your technique?\"  \r\n\r\nThe smaller then looked at him and said \"well, I go over to one of those lawyers cars, and hide up under it, when he comes out, I grab him, shake the shit out of him, and then eat him.\"  \r\n\r\nThe larger then exclaimed, \"that's it!  by the time you shake the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but the briefcase!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"In a 4 story building there lived 4 people:\r\nOn the 1st floor lived a cop\r\nOn the 2nd floor lived a thief\r\nOn the 3rd floor lived a blind man\r\nOn the 4th floor lived a very clean woman that took alot of showers.\r\n\r\nOne day the woman on the 4th floor got into the shower. She heard a knock on the door. \"Who is it?\" she asked, \"It's the cop\". \r\n\r\nSo the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. \"Wish me Mazel Tov!\" said the cop. The woman asked him why, and he said: \"Because I caught all the thiefs except one!\". She says Mazel Tov and goes back to the shower. \r\n\r\nShe heard another knock on the door. \"Who is it?\" she asked, \"It's the thief\". So the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. \"Wish me Mazel Tov!\" said the thief. The woman asked him why, and he said: \"Because the cop caught all the thiefs exept me!\". She says Mazel Tov and goes back to the shower. \r\n\r\nAnother knock was heard, so she asked \"Who is it\" and the voice said \"It's the blind guy\", so she decides not to put on the robe and opens the door. The blind guy says \"Wish me Mazel Tov!\" and she asks \"Why?\" so he says: \"Because I CAN SEE!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: Why do women fart less than men? \r\n\r\nA: Because they won't shut up long enough to\r\nbuild up pressure."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"\"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll\r\nbe glad to make an exception.\"\r\n\r\n-Groucho Marx"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Is your computer male of female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., \"Steady as she goes\", or \"She's listing to starboard, Captain!\" Recently a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusions follow:\r\n\r\n1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.\r\n\r\n2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.\r\n\r\n3. The message \"Bad command or file name\" is about as informative as \"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you.\"\r\n\r\n4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retieval.\r\n\r\n5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.\r\n\r\nHowever, another group of computer scientists (all female) claim that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:\r\n\r\n1. They have lots of data but are still clueless.\r\n\r\n2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.\r\n\r\n3. As soon as you commit to one you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.\r\n\r\n4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.\r\n\r\n5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Our lager, \r\nWhich art in barrels, \r\nHallowed be thy drink. \r\nThy will be drunk, \r\nI will be drunk, \r\nAt home as it is in the tavern. \r\nGive us this day our foamy head, \r\nAnd forgive us our spillages, \r\nAs we forgive those who spill against us. \r\nAnd lead us not to incarceration, \r\nBut deliver us from hangovers. \r\nFor thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him.\r\nTo the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking.\r\nThe bartender goes over to him and says, \"What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass.\"\r\nThe man replies, \"No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look.\"\r\nThe bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, \"wow, that's impressive.\" Then goes back to work. \r\n10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The gang leaves laughing and the man is nowhere to be seen. \r\nHorrified to what he might find he runs into the bathroom and sees the man spread eagle out on the floor with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.\r\nThe bartender asks, \"Are you OK? What did they do??\"\r\nThe man replies, \"Huh? Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. \r\nThe bartender screams at the guy, \"Did you see what your monkey just did?\" The guy says, \"No, what?\" \"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!\", says the bartender. \"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,\" replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.\" He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. \r\nTwo weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. \r\nThe bartender is disgusted. \"Did you see what your monkey did now?\", he asks. \r\n\"Now what?\", responds the patron. \r\n\"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!\" says the barkeeper. \r\n\"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,\" replied the patron. \"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call an honest lawyer?\r\n\r\nAn oxymoron."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring.\r\nThe punk gets mad turns around and says, \"Hey old man, what are you looking at?\"\r\nThe old man says, \"Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this \"Ladies Night Club.\" \r\nOne of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. \r\nThe \"dancer\" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. \r\nNot to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. \r\nStill attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? \r\nI got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. \r\nThe woman reporter shouted out \"This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!\". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, \"I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!\" The blonde responds back \"That's a bet you have there!\". \r\nSo, both of the women stared at the news waiting to know what's gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said \"I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.\" \r\nAnd the blonde says \"Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A brunette, blonde and a redhead walk into a bar.\r\n\r\nThe bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the back room and if you stand in front of it and say something you think that's true you'll get something nice. But if you lie you'll be sucked in, never to be heard from again.\r\n\r\nThe brunette says, \"I think I am the prettiest person in the bar,\" and she gets a brand new Corvette.\r\n\r\nThe redhead says, \"I think I am the smartest person in the bar,\" and she gets 1 million dollars.\r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"I think---\" And she disappeared."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.\r\n\r\nThe scientist walked up to God and said, \"God, we've decided that we no longer nee You. We're at the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, sop why don't You just retire?\"\r\n\r\nGod listened very patiently to the man and then said, \"Very well, but first, how about this: Let's have a man-making contest.\"\r\n\r\nTo which the scientist replied, \"Okay, great!\" But God added, \"Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.\"\r\n\r\nThe scientist said \"Sure, no problem!\" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.\r\n\r\nGod looked at him and said, \"No, no, no. You got to get your own dirt!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, \"Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?\" So she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.\r\n\r\nBlonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry she said to herself, \"Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?\" She stood there, just thinking about it.\r\n\r\nBlonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, \"Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!\" She knocked on the table. \"Was that the front door or the back door?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?\r\n\r\nA: Because it had no body to go with."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: What does a fish use to get high?\r\n\r\nA: Seaweed!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church, the husband, as always, fell asleep. \r\n\r\n\"Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?\" the preacher asked. The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, \"Oh, my God!\" The preacher said \"That's correct.\" And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.\r\n\r\nThe preacher got to the question, \"Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?\" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, \"Jesus Christ!\" The preacher said, \"Right again.\" With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife. \r\n\r\n\"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?\" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, \"If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm gonna break it in half!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?\r\n\r\nA: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. That's when I made my mistake.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did you do?\" asks the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Little Nancy was in the backyard filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the girl was up to he asks, \"What are you up to there Nancy?\"\r\n\r\n\"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\"\r\n\r\nThe neighbour was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\"\r\n\r\nNancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your f*****g cat!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Prison v. Work\r\n\r\nIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' by 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' by 8' cubicle.\r\n\r\nIn prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.\r\n\r\nIn prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.\r\n\r\nIn prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.\r\n\r\nIn prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.\r\n\r\nIn prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.\r\n\r\nIn prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.\r\n\r\nIn prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.\r\n\r\nIn prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.\r\n\r\nIn prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.\r\n\r\nIn prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.\r\n\r\nIn prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.....\r\n\r\nAt work we have managers."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The true meanings of some common male phrases:\r\n\r\n \"I'm going fishing.\"\r\nReally means... \"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's a guy thing.\"\r\nReally means... \"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.\"\r\n\r\n\"Can I help with dinner?\"\r\nReally means... \"Why isn't it already on the table?\"\r\n\r\n\"Uh huh,\" \"Sure, honey,\" or \"Yes, dear.\"\r\nReally means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.\r\n\r\n\"It would take too long to explain.\"\r\nReally means... \"I have no idea how it works.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm getting more exercise lately.\"\r\nReally means... \"The batteries in the remote are dead.\"\r\n\r\n\"We're going to be late.\"\r\nReally means... \"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.\"\r\n\r\n\"Take a break honey, you're working too hard.\"\r\nReally means... \"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's interesting dear.\"\r\nReally means... \"Are you still talking?\"\r\n\r\n\"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.\"\r\nReally means... \"I forgot our anniversary again.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's women's work.\"\r\nReally means... \"It's difficult, dirty and thankless.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"More male phrases explained:\r\n\r\n\"You know how bad my memory is.\"\r\nReally means... \"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.\"\r\nReally means... \"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.\"\r\n\r\n\"I do help around the house.\"\r\nReally means... \"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.\"\r\nReally means... \"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't find it.\"\r\nReally means... \"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did I do this time?\"\r\nReally means... \"What did you catch me doing?\"\r\n\r\n\"I heard you.\"\r\nReally means... \"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me.\"\r\n\r\n\"You look terrific.\"\r\nReally means.. \"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.\"\r\n\r\n\"I missed you.\"\r\nReally means... \"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of toilet paper.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.\"\r\nReally means... \"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't need to read the instructions.'\r\nReally means... \"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Just before Thanksgiving,  the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.\r\n\r\n\"You turkeys are always into mischief,\" she gobbled.  \"If your grandfather could see the things you do,  he'd turn over in his gravy.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members.\r\n\r\nEvery time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, \"If you are stupid, please stand up.\" \r\nAfter a while, a student stands up and says,\"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.\r\n\r\n\"How did this happen?\" the emergency room doctor asked her. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I was trying to commit suicide,\" the blonde replied. \r\n\r\n\"What?\" sputtered the doctor. \"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, Silly!\" the blonde said. \"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.\" \r\n\r\n\"So then?\" asked the doctor. \r\n\r\n\"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.\" \r\n\r\n\"So then?\" \r\n\r\n\"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes car to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.\r\n\r\nJan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.\r\n\r\nFive minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, \"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!\"\r\n\r\n\"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" she said, \"I did better than that! I got the license plate number!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all the states and capitals. \r\n\r\nThat night when he got home he told his joke. She says, \"I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me.\" \r\n\r\nHe thought for a moment and asked, \"What is the capital of Massachusetts?\" \r\n\r\nShe quickly replied, \"M.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.\r\n\r\nShe went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I've kidnapped you.\"\r\n\r\nShe then wrote a note saying, \"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.\r\n\r\nThe blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde was swerving all over the road, driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.\r\n\r\nThe cop walked up to her window and asked, \"Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde said, \"I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!\"\r\n\r\nThe cop looked at her and said, \"Lady, that's your air freshener.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, \"You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?\"\r\nThe driver is understandably hesitant and says, \"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.\"\r\nBut the Pope persists, \"Please?\"\r\nThe driver finally lets up, \"Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope.\"\r\nSo the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.\r\nCop: Chief, I have a problem.\r\nChief: What sort of problem?\r\nCop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.\r\nChief: Important like the mayor?\r\nCop: No, no, much more important than that.\r\nChief: Important like the governor?\r\nCop: Way more important than that.\r\nChief: Like the president?\r\nCop: Much more important.\r\nChief: \"Who's more important than the president?\"\r\nCop: \"I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. \r\n\r\n\"Help, help!\" yelled one of the blondes. \r\n\r\n\"Help us, help us!\" yelled the other. \r\n\r\n\"Maybe it would help if we yelled together,\" said the first blonde. \r\n\r\n\"Good idea,\" said the other. \r\n\r\n\"Together, together!\" they yelled."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?\r\n\r\nPull the pin and throw it back.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?\r\n\r\nRun like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There's a blonde and a brunette working for a painting company. They need to paint the yellow lines on a road by hand for the city since the trucks are broken.\r\nThe first day the blonde paints 5.4 miles of road, the brunette paints 6 miles of road.\r\nThe second day the blonde paints 4.1 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.7 miles of road.\r\nThe third day the blonde paints 2.9 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.9 miles of road.\r\nWorried about the blonde, the supervisor goes to the blonde and asks why she is painting less and less road each day. \r\nShe replies, \"The bucket just keeps getting further and further away.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde wanted to sell her car but failed many times. Even though the car looked pratically new it had over 400 000 miles on it. So she goes to a bar and theres a brunette sitting a few barstools away and she's wearing mechanic's overalls. They start talking and the blonde tells the brunette her problems. The brunette feels sorry for her.\r\nThe brunette says, \"Well I'm a mechanic. I can help you sell your car but it's not legal.\"\r\nThe blonde says she'll do whatever it takes.\r\nThe brunette says, \"Well I can change your odometer back to 40 000 miles and it'll be easier to sell.\"\r\nThe blonde agrees and gives the brunette her keys.\r\nSo the brunette takes the car back to her garage and sets back the counter. Then the next morning returns the car.\r\nA week later they run into each other and the brunette asks the blonde if she sold her car.\r\nThe blonde says, \"Why would I sell my car?? It only has 40 000 miles on it.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"On her birthday, a blonde was given a fishing rod. She decides to use the gift on the weekend and have a good time, so she goes and buys fishing gear and sets out. She goes to what she thinks is a nice fishing spot and drills a hole, then puts her rod in.\r\nShe hears a man say, \"There is no fish in there.\"\r\nSo she goes someplace else and drills and puts her rod in.\r\nThen hears a man say in an irritated tone, \"There is no fish in there.\"\r\nSo she repeats the process a third time and again hears the man tell her, \"There is no fish in there.\"\r\nAngry, the blonde gets up and faces the man and says, \"How do you know there is no fish in there?\"\r\nThe man replies, \"This is an ice hockey rink.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand.\r\nThe bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg.\r\nThe pirate says, \"I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off.\"\r\nThey talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook.\r\nThe pirate says, \"We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away.\r\nThey talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch.\r\nThe pirate said, \"A seagull crapped in my eye.\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?\"\r\nThe pirate says, \"Well no... it was my first day with the hook.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.\r\nThe bartender says, \"If you say you paid I believe you.\"\r\nThe man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.\r\nThe co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.\r\nThe co-worker says, \"But I've paid already.\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"Well I guess you could of. I believe you.\"\r\nThe co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.\r\nThe friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, \"You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face.\"\r\nThe friend says, \"Don't bother me with your problems. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home. \r\n\r\nWhile the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl.\r\n\r\nThe man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later.\r\n\r\nConfused the bartender asks what is so funny.\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. \r\nOne blonde yells to the other, \"How do you get to the other side?\" \r\n\r\n\"You are on the other side,\" the other blonde yells back."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: \"Disneyland Left.\" \r\n\r\nSo they went home."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. \r\nExcited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: \"Justice prevailed.\" \r\n\r\nThe senior partner replied in haste, \"Appeal immediately.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? \r\n\r\nHe threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. \r\nThe two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. \r\n\r\nThe parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, \"Where is God?\" \r\n\r\nThe boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, \"Where is God?\" \r\n\r\nAgain the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, \"WHERE IS GOD?\" \r\n\r\nAt that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, \"What happened?\" \r\n\r\nThe younger brother replied, \"We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. \r\n\"I'm free, I'm free!\" he shouted. \r\n\r\n\"So what,\" said a little girl. \"I'm four.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.\r\n\r\nAfter trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.\r\n\r\nWorkers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the \"Vacant\" sign up?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.\r\n\r\nThe old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks \"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?\".\r\n\r\nThe dude replies \"A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's a lotta money!\" says the old man, shocked. \"Why does it cost so much?\"\r\n\r\n\"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!\" states the cool dude proudly.\r\n\r\nThe old man asks \"Can I take a look inside?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure\" replies the owner.\r\n\r\nSo the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says \"That's a pretty nice car, alright!\"\r\n\r\nJust then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!\r\n\r\nWhhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!\r\n\r\nThe guy wonders \"what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?\" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.\r\n\r\nWhooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!\r\n\r\nWhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.\r\n\r\nThe guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks \"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?\"\r\n\r\nThe old man replies \"Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT-- \r\n\r\nWith third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.\r\n\r\n\"Auto accidents have never been so exciting,\" said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. \"When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobile gasoline.\"\r\n\r\nThough it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. \"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'\" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.\r\n\r\n\"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!\" \r\n\r\n\"It's really addictive,\" said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.\r\n\r\n\"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!\" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.\r\n\r\nGM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. \"In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal,\" GM CEO Paul Offerman said. \"But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.\r\n\r\n\"Who wouldn't like that?\" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.\r\n\r\nStatistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. \"If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion.\"\r\n\r\nFurther, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. \"I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,\" said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. \"My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Don't steal. The government hates competition."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of\r\nwaterskis?\r\n\r\nShe's still looking for a lake with a slope!!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What is the difference between men and\r\ngovernment bonds?\r\n\r\nThe bonds mature. Eventually."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, \"We don't serve your kind in here.\" One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, \"Why not? We're cultured individuals.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why is the word abbreviation so long?"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Great Thinkers of Our Time?\r\n\r\nQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why?\r\n\r\nAnswer: \"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.\"\r\n-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest\r\n\r\n\"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.\"\r\n-- Mariah Carey\r\n\r\n\"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.\"\r\n-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22\r\n\r\n\"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.\"\r\n-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations\r\nthat he failed to pay his taxes.\r\n\r\n\"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.\"\r\n-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign\r\n\r\n\"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my\r\nbody.\"\r\n-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward\r\n\r\n\"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.\"\r\n-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.\r\n\r\n\"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.\"\r\n-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks\r\n\r\n\"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.\"\r\n-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed\r\ndocuments\r\n\r\n\"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.\"\r\n-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle\r\n\r\n\"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a\r\njackass, and I'm just the one to do it.\"\r\n-- A congressional candidate in Texas\r\n\r\n\"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots\r\n\r\n\"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away\r\nfrom them. There were great numbers of people who needed new\r\nland, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for\r\nthemselves.\"\r\n-- John Wayne\r\n\r\n\"Half this game is ninety percent mental.\"\r\n-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark\r\n\r\n\"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the\r\nimpurities in our air and water that are doing it.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle\r\n\r\n\"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the\r\npublic mind.\"\r\n-- General William Westmoreland\r\n\r\n\"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.\"\r\n-- Rev. Jesse Jackson\r\n\r\n\"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America.\"\r\n-- President William Jefferson Clinton\r\n\r\n\"What a waste it is to lose one's mind.  Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle\r\n\r\n\"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.\"\r\n-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin\r\n\r\n\"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle\r\n\r\nAnd in 2000, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the\r\nRepublicans would definitely nominate someone this time who\r\nwould beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...\r\n\r\n-Credit to Net3Media and my friend who forwarded the email to me."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview.  The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question: \r\n \r\n\"How many D's are there in \"INDIANA JONES?\" \r\nThe brunette thinks for a second and responds \"One.\" \r\n \r\nThe interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates. \r\n \r\nThe redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end:  \"How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES?\" \r\nShe immediately says \"One.\" The interviewer says, \"OK, we'll let you know.\" \r\n \r\nThen the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: \"How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES?\" \r\nShe gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: \"2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm i? 1/2  wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?\" \r\n \r\nAfter going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: \"Thirty two\" \r\n\r\nThe interviewer is stunned and asks her: \"Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?\" \r\n\r\n\"Simple... Daaaa da da daaaa daaaa da daaaa... Daaaa da da daaa daa da daaaa da da... sing along now you remember it\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper: \r\n\r\n\"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.\" Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. \r\n\r\nOne student, however, wrote the following: \r\n\r\nFirst, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. \r\n\r\nWith birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. \r\n\r\nThis gives two possibilities: \r\n\r\n1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. \r\n2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. \r\n\r\nSo which is it? \r\n\r\nIf we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that \"it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you\" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. \r\n\r\nThis student got the only A."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, \"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, \"Gimme another one.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender pours the drink but says, \"Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?\" \r\n\r\nThe man begins his tale. \"Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true.\" \r\n\r\nHe continues, \"She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!' \r\n\r\nI opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me...\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?' \r\n\r\nThe girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' \r\n\r\nWell, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' \r\n\r\nI think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' \r\n\r\nBut by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, \"Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender then asks in exasperation, \"Well, then, what did finally piss you off?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. \r\n\r\nOne snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. \r\n\r\nThere stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. \r\n\r\nWho was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSo, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. \r\n\r\nSL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? \r\n\r\nSM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. \r\n\r\nSL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster. \r\n\r\nSM: It is not working. \r\n\r\nSL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. \r\n\r\nSM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. \r\n\r\nSo they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. \r\n\r\nSM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. \r\n\r\nSM: So, what happened? Please tell us. \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. \r\n\r\nSM: So what happened? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. \r\n\r\nSM: And what else? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, no! What did you do then? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, no! What happened then? \r\n\r\nSL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down..."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. \r\n\r\nThe old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, \"Yes. Yes, he did.\" \r\n\r\nThe old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected. \r\n\r\nWith a tear in his eye, he asks, \"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?\" \r\n\r\nAgain, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. \r\n\r\nFinally, she says, \"You.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never\r\nlazy.  He's always  \r\nhard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always\r\nworking independently, without \r\nwasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never \r\nthinks twice about assisting fellow employees.\r\nHe is great. \r\nHis assignments are always\r\non time, never\r\nlate.\r\nYou should hire him. \r\nOften, Bob skips \r\nhis coffee breaks to compelte his\r\nwork.\r\nHe has worked dillegently.\r\nBob is an individual who has absolutely no \r\nvanity in spite of his high accomplishments and \r\nknowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be \r\ndispensed with. \r\nConsequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be \r\npromoted, and a proposal will be \r\nexecuted as soon as possible. \r\n\r\nRegards, \r\nProject Leader \r\n\r\nKEEP READING... \r\n\r\nShortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader: \r\n\r\nSorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment. \r\n\r\nRegards, \r\nProject Leader"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The following is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations: \r\n\r\n#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. \r\n\r\n#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision. \r\n\r\n#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. \r\n\r\n#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. \r\n\r\n#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! \r\n\r\n#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Titanic Video vs Clinton Video \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. \r\n\r\nAs the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! \r\n\r\nSo, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step. \r\n\r\nAbout this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. \r\n\r\nWell, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, \"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!\" \r\n\r\nAt this the Texan drawled \"Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. \"Well,\" he said, \"I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's \"the\" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.\" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. \r\n\r\nLater that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, \"You never told me that you were such a religious person.\"\r\n\r\nHe leans over to her and says, \"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. \r\n\r\n\"Jake,\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"Hush,\" he quickly interrupted, \"don't talk.\" But she insisted. \r\n\r\n\"Jake,\" she said in her tired voice. \"I have to talk. I must confess.\" \r\n\r\n\"There is nothing to confess,\" said the weeping Jake. \"It's all right. Everything's all right.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.\" \r\n\r\nJake stroked her hand. \"Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it\", he sobbed. \"Why else would I poison you?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. \r\n\r\nShe tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter. \r\n\r\nThree years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she \r\ncooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. \"Fair enough,\" says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic. \r\n\r\nOn their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. \"Honey,\" he says, \"we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?\" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. \"I don't care,\" he tells her. \"After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!\" \r\n\r\nSo, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash. \r\n\r\n\"Jesus Christ!\" shouts the surprised husband. \"What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, sweetie,\" replies the wife, \"you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, \"All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three incidents of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she replies, \"whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Dear Mr. Conners, \r\n\r\nThank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. \r\n\r\nThis year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. \r\n\r\nDespite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. \r\n\r\nSincerely, \r\n\r\nXXXXXXXX"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.\r\n\r\nThe man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.\r\n\r\nThe husband replies, \"I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!\"\r\n\r\nThe wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, \"I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. \r\n\r\nThe physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, \"Hippocrates, come!\" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. \r\n\r\nThe architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, \"Sliderule, come!\" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. \r\n\r\nThe attorney watched the other two dogs, and called \"Bullshit, come!\" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said, \"I'll tee off, he is far enough away.\" She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the farway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned he was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. \r\n\r\nShe ran to him, apologizing and saying, \"Let me help I am a physical therapist.\" He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. \r\n\r\n\"How does that feel?\" she asked. He said, \"Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two beautiful statues were in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. \r\n\r\nImmediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. \r\n\r\n\"What shall we do now then,\" said the boy statue. \"Let's do the same thing again,\" she replied. \"Okay,\" said the boy statue, \"but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I shit on them.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. \r\n\r\nA single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, \"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.\" \r\n\r\nThe agent replied, \"I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out.\" \r\n\r\nThe passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, \"Do you have any idea who I am?\" \r\n\r\nWithout hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. \"May I have your attention please?\" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. \"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.\" \r\n\r\nWith the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore \"F_ _k you.\" \r\n\r\nWithout flinching, she smiled and said, \"I'm sorry, sir, but you''ll have to stand in line for that, too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, \"Hello?\" \r\n\r\n\"Is your Daddy home?\" the boss quickly asked. \"Yes\", whispered the small voice. \"May I talk with him?\" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\" \r\n\r\nWanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\" \"Yes\", came the answer. \"May I talk with her?\" Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\" \r\n\r\n\"Son, is there any one there besides you?\" the boss impatiently asked the child. \"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\" \r\n\r\nWondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\" \"No, he's busy\", whispered the child. \"Busy doing what?\" asked the boss. \"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman\", came the whispered answer. \r\n\r\nGrowing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\" \"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice. \"What is going on there?\" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, \"The police just landed the hello-copper!\" \r\n\r\nAlarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\" \r\n\r\nAfter a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, \"They're looking for me!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. \r\n\r\nTwo attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. \r\n\r\nLater the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. \r\n\r\nThey ask,\"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, \"Man, that's a deep hole!\" \r\n\r\nThinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! \r\n\r\nThe two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, \"Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!\"\r\n\r\nSo they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened. \r\n\r\n\"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?\", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, \"Yeah, why do you ask?\" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. \r\n\r\nThe farmer said, \"Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. \r\n\r\nThe vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, \"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black labrodour retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, \"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, \"$650.\" \r\n\r\n\"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?\" exclaims the man. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the vet replies, \"I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer. \r\n\r\nSecretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief. \r\n\r\nLounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance. \r\n\r\nThe Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, with God Almighty as the judge. \r\n\r\nSparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later God arrived and asked for the results. The Devil fumed and complained bitterly, as he had lost the whole day's work. \r\n\r\nJesus fared considerably better and won the contest because, as everyone knows, Jesus saves."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"On a Septic Tank Truck sign:\r\n\"We're #1 in the #2 business.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSign over a Gynaecologist?s Office:\r\n\"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt a Proctologist's door:\r\n \"To expedite your visit please back in.\"\r\n **************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Plumber's truck:\r\n\"We repair what your husband fixed.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:\r\n\"Invite us to your next blowout.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:\r\n\"Hello. Can we pick your nose?\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn an Electrician's truck:\r\n\"Let us remove your shorts.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Non-smoking Area:\r\n\"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt an Optometrist's Office:\r\n\"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Taxidermist's window:\r\n\"We really know our stuff.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Podiatrist's office:\r\n\"Time wounds all heels.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Fence:\r\n\"Salesmen welcome!  Dog food is expensive.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOutside a Muffler Shop:\r\n\"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Veterinarian's waiting room:\r\n\"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt the Electric Company:\r\n\"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Restaurant window:\r\n\"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn the front yard of a Funeral Home:\r\n\"Drive carefully. We'll wait.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt a Propane Filling Station:\r\n\"Tank heaven for little grills.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnd don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator  Shop:\r\n\"Best place in town to take a leak.\"\r\n**************************"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A little girl and her mother were out and about when, out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, \"Mommy, How old are you?\" \r\nThe mother responded, \"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.\" \r\n\r\nThe girl then asked, \"Mommy, how much do you weigh?\" \r\nHer mother responded again, \"That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up.\" \r\n\r\nThe girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, \"Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?\" \r\n\r\nThe mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, \"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. \r\n\r\nThe girlfriend said, \"All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.\" \r\n\r\nLater, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. \r\nThe little girl started off with, \"Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old.\" \r\nThe mother was very shocked. She asked, \"Sweetheart, how do you know that?\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl shrugged and said, \"I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.\" \r\n\r\n\"Where did you learn that?\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl said, \"I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A phone rings at KGB headquarters. \r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" \r\n\r\n\"Hello, is this the KGB?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes. What do you want?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood.\" \r\n\r\n\"This will be noted.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. \r\n\r\nThe phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house. \r\n\r\n\"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes.\" \r\n\r\n\"Did they chop up your firewood?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, they did.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found? \r\n\r\nScroll down. \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\nThe birth control pill."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, \"I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"What do you mean, almost?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest replies, \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.\" \r\n\r\nThe man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave. \r\n\r\nThe priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, \"I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"There was once a big ol' tough bear strolling through the forest looking for some silly hunter to maul, when he suddenly got the urge to pass the last hunter he had eaten. He stopped by the side of the path and proceeded to dump away. Well, as he was sitting there, a cute little bunny came bounding along merrily on his way and stopped right beside the bear and also took a dump. Well, the bear was finishing up and hadn't really said a word to the little bunny so popped a question, \"Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur, little bunny?\" The bunny looked up and replied, \"Why no, certainly not.\" \r\n\r\nImmediately the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass with him."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. \r\n\r\nAs the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. \r\n\r\nPuzzled by her actions, the man asked her, \"Is something wrong?\" \r\n\r\nShe replied, \"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. \r\n\r\nEvery day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him. \r\n\r\nOne particularly busy Saturday, he was swinging around and accidentally swung over his fence and landed in the lion's cage. The lion slowly opened his eyes and saw the gorilla. The lion began to talk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approached the gorilla that was backed up against the fence. The lion was ready to jump. The gorilla started yelling, \"Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! Help, help!\" \r\n\r\nThen the lion said, \"Shut up, stupid, or we'll both get fired!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a Canadian fire?\r\n\r\nA Calgary Flame."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? \r\n\r\n    insert bill here!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, \"I can outrun this guy,\" so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, \"What the heck,\" and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car. \r\n\r\nHe leaned down and said, \"Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.\" The man thought for a moment and said, \"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!\" \r\n\r\nThe officer let him go."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. \r\n\r\nHalfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he has a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets, and they broke so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. He is so drunk that he doesn't know he is hurt. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later, as he is undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. He repairs the damage as best he can under the circumstances and goes to bed. \r\n\r\nThe next morning, his head is hurting, and his rear is hurting, and he is hunkering under the covers trying to concoct some good story, when his wife comes into the bedroom. \r\n\r\n\"Well, you really tied one on last night,\" she says. \"Where'd you go?\" \r\n\r\n\"I worked late,\" he says, \"and I stopped off for a couple of beers.\" \r\n\r\n\"A couple of beers? That's a laugh,\" she replies. \"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?\" \r\n\r\n\"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she replies, \"my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. \r\n\r\nShe returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. \r\n\r\nOutside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, \"A little more to the left...a little more to the right!...\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. \r\n\r\nUpon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, \"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.\" \r\n\r\n\"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,\" asked the rejected applicant. \r\n\r\n\"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,\" said the Department manager. \r\n\r\n\"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?\" the rejected applicant inquired. \r\n\r\n\"Simple,\" said the Department manager, \"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. \r\n\r\nThe interviewer looks over his papers and says, \"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. \r\n\r\n\"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... We can't hire you.\" \r\n\r\n\"But wait,\" he says. \"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!\" \r\n\r\n\"Really? Great! Show me!\" \r\n\r\nThe applicant reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the interviewer, \"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!\" \r\n\r\n\"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, then, how do you explain all these condoms?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that,\" he sighed. \"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking and asked for aspirin?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton. \r\n\r\nAs he paid his bill, he said to the manager, \"By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not,\" said the manager. \"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life.\" \r\n\r\nThe travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. \r\n\r\n\"G'dye, myte!\" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. \"What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?\" \r\n\r\n\"Eggs,\" was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up. Indeed, the Aussie was impressed. \r\n\r\nHe went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') \r\n\r\nOn his return to the Vancouver Hilton 6 months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. \r\n\r\n\"How,\" said the Aussie. \r\n\r\n\"Scrambled,\" said the chief."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. \r\n\r\n\"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?\" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. \r\n\r\nNo one answered. \r\n\r\n\"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!\" \r\n\r\nSome of the locals shifted restlessly. \r\n\r\nHe had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. \r\n\r\nThe bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, \"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?\" \r\n\r\nThe cowboy turned back and said, \"I had to walk home.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip. \r\n\r\nResponses are still pouring in asking, \"What trip?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, \"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?\" \r\n\r\n\"None,\" replied Johnny, \"cause the rest would fly away.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, the answer is four,\" said the teacher, \"but I like the way you're thinking.\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny says, \"I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the teacher nervously, \"I guess the one sucking the cone.\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said Little Johnny, \"the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"I did not do it in a car \r\nI did not do it in a bar \r\nI did not do it in the dark \r\nI did not do it in the park \r\nI did not do it on a date \r\nI did not ever fornicate \r\nI did not do it at a dance \r\nI did not do it in her pants \r\nI did not get beyond first base \r\nI did not do it in her face \r\nI never did it in a bed \r\nIf you think that, you''ve been misled \r\nI did not do it with a groan \r\nI did not do it on the phone \r\nI did not cause her dress to stain \r\nI never boinked Saddam Hussein \r\nI did not do it with a whip \r\nI never fondled Linda Tripp \r\nI never acted really silly \r\nWith volunteers like Kathleen Willey \r\nThere was one time, with Margaret Thatcher \r\nI chased her ''round, but could not catch her \r\nNo kinky stuff, not on your life \r\nI wouldn''t, even with my wife \r\nAnd Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes \r\nWas paid for by my right-wing foes \r\nAnd Paula Jones, and those State Troopers \r\nAre just a bunch of party poopers \r\nI did not ask my friends to lie \r\nI did not hang them out to dry \r\nI did not do it last November \r\nBut if I did, I don''t remember \r\nI did not do it in the hall \r\nI could have, but I don''t recall \r\nI never did it in my study \r\nI never did it with my dog, Buddy \r\nI never did it to Sox, the cat \r\nI might have -once with Arafat \r\nI never did it in a hurry \r\nI never groped Ms. Betty Currie \r\nThere was no sex at Arlington \r\nThere was no sex on Air Force One \r\nI might have copped a little feel \r\nAnd then endeavored to conceal \r\nBut never did these things so lewd \r\nAt least, not ever in the nude \r\nThese things to which I have confessed \r\nThey do not count, if we stayed dressed \r\nIt never happened with a cigar \r\nI never dated Mrs.Starr \r\nI did not know this little sin \r\nWould be retold on CNN \r\nI broke some rules my Mama taught me \r\nI tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me \r\nBut I implore, I do beseech \r\nDo not condemn, do not impeach \r\nI might have got a little tail \r\nBut never, never did inhale"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \r\n\r\n\"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" \r\n\r\nVisibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \r\n\r\n\"Will I be acquitted?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words \r\nLewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. \r\n\r\nEntry # 1 \r\nThere once was a gal named Lewinsky \r\nWho played on a flute like Stravinsky \r\n'Twas \"Hail to the Chief\" \r\non this flute made of beef \r\nthat stole the front page from Kaczynski. \r\n\r\nEntry # 2 \r\nSaid Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky \r\nWe don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, \r\nSince you look such a mess, \r\nuse the hem of your dress \r\nAnd wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. \r\n\r\nEntry # 3 \r\nLewinsky and Clinton have shown \r\nwhat Kaczynski must surely have known: \r\nthat an intern is better \r\nthan a bomb in a letter \r\ngiven the choice of how to be blown."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Louisiana, and sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.\r\n\r\nThis guy is on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passes slowly and no cars come by. The storm is so strong he can see hardly a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly creeps toward him and stops. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realizes that there is nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again.\r\n\r\nThe guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road\r\nand he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely\r\naround the bend.\r\n\r\n\r\nParalyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car, and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.\r\nAbout half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar. One says to the other, \"Look Boudreaux, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we\r\nwere pushing it.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. \"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,\" she asks, \"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?\"\r\n\r\nMelissa's father thinks a bit, then says \"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?\"\r\n\r\n\"Osama Bin Laden,\" she says.\r\n\r\n\"Why Osama Bin Laden?\" her father asks in shock.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she says, \"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.! \"\r\n\r\nHer father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. \"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know,\" Melissa says, \"and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally\r\nprepared for the test.\r\n\r\nAnd best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.\r\n\r\nEXERCISE ONE:\r\n\r\nOpen your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold\r\nthat position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.\r\n\r\nEXERCISE TWO:\r\n\r\nVisit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.  Turn over and repeat with the other breast.\r\n\r\nEXERCISE THREE:\r\n\r\nFreeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.\r\nPress the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends \r\ntogether as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to\r\nmeet next year and do it again.\r\n\r\nYOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"To help students remember the word for \"wear\" in Latin, the professor used the phrase:\r\n\r\nsemper ubi, sub ubi\r\n\r\nTranslation:\r\n\r\nAlways wear under wear."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"20. The cucumber has left the salad. \r\n19. I can see the gun of Navarone. \r\n18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. \r\n17. You've got Windows in your laptop. \r\n16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. \r\n15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. \r\n14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. \r\n13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... \r\n12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. \r\n11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. \r\n10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! \r\n9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. \r\n8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! \r\n7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. \r\n6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! \r\n5. You've got your fly set for \"Monica\" instead of \"Hillary.\" \r\n4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... \r\n3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. \r\n2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? \r\n \r\nAND THE NUMBER ONE WAY \r\nTO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED... \r\n \r\n1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. \r\n\r\nWhen they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts. \r\n\r\nThe two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts. \r\n\r\n\"One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me...\" \r\n\r\nAs they were doing this, another boy passed by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. \r\n\r\n\"Father! Father!\" he yelled as he entered his house. \"The cemetery. Come quick!\" \r\n\r\n\"What's the matter?\" his father asked. \r\n\r\n\"No time to explain,\" the boy frantically panted. \"Follow me!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy and his father ran up the country road and until they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. \r\n\r\n\"Do you hear that?\" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. \r\n\r\n\"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you...\" \r\n\r\nThe boy then blurted out, \"The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!\" \r\n\r\nThe father was skeptical but silent... until a few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing the nuts and one Scout said to the other, \"Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"\"You don't have anything in your head except soccer,\" said a wife to her husband.  \"I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course I haven't forgotten,\" replied the husband.  \"That was the day England beat Italy 2-1.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest, and so on. \r\n\r\nOne afternoon, an orderly entered the room. \r\n\r\n\"Time to take your temperature, General,\" the orderly said. \r\n\r\nAfter growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. \"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end,\" the orderly told him. A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. \r\n\r\nThe orderly then told the general, \"Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you,\" and withdrew. \r\n\r\nAn hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, \"What's going on here?\" \r\n\r\n\"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?\" the general barked. \r\n\r\n\"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"3 men were being interviewed for a position for the FBI. The interviewers needed to know the men were going to be loyal to the FBI until the very end. So they set up a little test. They put each of the 3 men's wives in the room.\r\nThey sent the first man in with a gun, and told him to kill his wife.\r\nA few minutes later the man comes out crying. He says, \"I just can't do it. I love her.\" He gives back the gun.\r\nThey send the second man in and he comes out crying a few minutes later, hands back the gun, and says, \"We've had too many good years. I just can't kill her. I'm sorry.\"\r\nSo finally they send in the third applicant. They listen closely to the door and try to see if this man will succeed. They hear a soft click, then a huge commotion. Things were being broken and smashed and a lot of screaming.\r\nComing out tired, the man says to the interviewers, \"The damn gun you gave me was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a female, attacked them. The lawyer just managed to get away. He stole a glance back and saw his Czechoslovakian friend get eaten whole by the male bear.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer runs to the police and tells them to come and hurry and bring some tranquilizer guns. They run up into the woods where their camp was and they stumble across the 2 bears sleeping.\r\n\r\nThe police say, \"Which bear ate your friend?\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer says, \"The male bear. That one!\" And points to the one on the right.\r\n\r\nThe police immediately shoot the female bear and the male bear wakes up and runs off unharmed.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer screams, \"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? I SAID HE WAS IN THE MALE BEAR!\"\r\n\r\nThe police calmly said, \"Would you believe a lawyer who said the Czech was in the male?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their\r\npockets?\r\n\r\nA. So they can smell like old blondes."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts. \r\n\r\nFinally, his exasperated partner said, \"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!\" \r\n\r\nThe guy answered, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\" \r\n\r\n\"Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. \r\nThe next day the farmer drove up and said, \"Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well then, just give me my money back.\" \r\n\r\n\"I can't do that. I went and spent it already.\" \r\n\r\n\"OK then, just unload the donkey.\" \r\n\r\n\"What ya gonna do with em.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm gonna raffle him off.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead.\" \r\n\r\nA month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, \"What happened with the dead donkey?\" \r\n\r\n\"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898.\" \r\n\r\n\"Didn't anyone complain?\" \r\n\r\n\"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. \r\nHe asks the driver, \"What's up with the penguins in the back seat?\" \r\n\r\nThe man in the car says \"I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue.\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk ponders a bit then says, \"You should take them to the zoo.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hey, that's a good idea,\" says the man in the car and drives away. \r\n\r\nThe next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. \r\n\r\n\"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I did,\" says the driver, \"And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt.\r\nThe woman says, \"In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!\"\r\nThe man agrees.\r\nThe woman says, \"Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration.\" She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away.\r\nThe man says, \"Don't you want any? It was your idea.\"\r\nThe woman says, \"No thanks, I'll wait until the police get here.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Chucky wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened.\r\n\r\nChucky decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president.\r\n\r\nThe president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Chucky a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.\r\n\r\nWhen Chucky received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read: \r\n\r\nDear God: \r\nThank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks took 95%.\r\nLove, \r\n\r\nChucky"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?\r\n-It doesn't show the dirt\r\n\r\nWho makes all the bras for brunettes?\r\n-Fisher-Price.\r\n\r\nWhy didn't Indians scalp brunettes?\r\n-The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.\r\n\r\nWhy are most brunettes flat-chested?\r\n-It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.\r\n\r\nWhy are brunettes so proud of their hair?\r\n-It matches their mustache.\r\n\r\nWhy is the color brunette considered evil?\r\n-When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?\r\n\r\nHow can you tell a brunette is lonely?\r\n-Check her for a pulse.\r\n\r\nWhat is the most frustrated animal in the world?\r\n-A brunette rabbit\r\n\r\nWhat did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?\r\n-\"What part of 'yes' do you not understand?\"\r\n\r\nWhy did God create brunettes?\r\n-So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.\r\n\r\nWhat do brunettes miss most about a great party?\r\n-The invitation.\r\n\r\nWhere do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?\r\n-From their underarms.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?\r\n-Gay, married, or a hostage.\r\n\r\nHow did Revlon come up with its brunette hair color?\r\n-By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.\r\n\r\nWhy do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?\r\n-Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.\r\n\r\nHow do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?\r\n-Startled."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A very old man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the mans sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him whats the matter.\r\nThe man says, \"Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?\"\r\nThe woman nods.\r\nThe man says, \"Well today I could have been a free man.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?\r\n\r\nA: Gifted!\r\n\r\n2. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?\r\n\r\nA: Alone.\r\n\r\n3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?\r\n\r\nA: Pregnant.\r\n\r\n4. Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?\r\n\r\nA: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.\r\n\r\n5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?\r\n\r\nA: Artificial intelligence.\r\n\r\nA2: By doing the splits.\r\n\r\n6. Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?\r\n\r\nA: She missed the Earth!\r\n\r\n7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?\r\n\r\nA: Because they can't even keep two calves together!\r\n\r\n8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?\r\n\r\nA: Nothing. They've never met.\r\n\r\n9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?\r\n\r\nA: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!\r\n\r\n10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?\r\n\r\nA: After a dye job.\r\n\r\n11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?\r\n\r\nA1: She'd just dyed her hair.\r\n\r\nA2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.\r\n\r\n12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?\r\n\r\nA: To catch everything that goes over their heads.\r\n\r\n13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?\r\n\r\nA: You can park in the handicap zone.\r\n\r\n14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?\r\n\r\nA: An IN-body experience!\r\n\r\n15. A: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?\r\n\r\nShe was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymen lick Maneuver.\r\n\r\n16. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?\r\n\r\nA: She slipped off and fell down the drain.\r\n\r\n17. Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?\r\n\r\nA: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.\r\n\r\n18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?\r\n\r\nA: Shine a flashlight in their ear."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"19. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?\r\nShine a torch in her ears.\r\n\r\n20. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?\r\nIt takes too long to retrain them.\r\n\r\n21. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?\r\nThere's white-out on the screen.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?\r\nThere's writing on the white-out.\r\n\r\n22. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?\r\nYou only have to punch information into a computer once.\r\n\r\n23. What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?\r\nFar-from-thinking\r\n\r\n24. What did the blonde think of the new computer?\r\nShe didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.\r\n\r\n25. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?\r\n(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!\r\n\r\n26. How do you kill a blonde?\r\nPut spikes in their shoulder pads.\r\n\r\n27. How do blondes pierce their ears?\r\nThey put tacks in their shoulder pads.\r\n\r\n28. Why don't blondes eat Jello?\r\nThey can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.\r\n\r\n29. Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?\r\nShe liked kids...\r\n\r\n30. Why don't blondes eat pickles?\r\nBecause they can't get their head in the jar.\r\n\r\n31. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?\r\nBlonde: I don't know. Why?\r\nTeller: It was easier to spell.\r\nBlonde: Easier than what?\r\n\r\n32. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?\r\nThey have to have some place to rest their ankles.\r\n\r\n33. Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?\r\nTo put their feet through.\r\n\r\n34. How many blondes does it take to play tag?\r\nOne.\r\n\r\n35. Why do blondes wear green lipstick?\r\nBecause red means stop.\r\n\r\n36. How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?\r\nTwo, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!\r\n\r\n37 How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?\r\nHo, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.\r\n\r\n38. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?\r\n\"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!\"\r\n\r\n39. Why did the blonde fail her driver's license ?\r\nShe wasn't used to the front seat!\r\n\r\n40. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?\r\nShe picks up her purse and goes home.\r\n\r\n41. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?\r\nThe vegetable garden.\r\n\r\n42. What's the mating call of the blonde?\r\n\"I'm *sooo* drunk!\"\r\n\r\n43. What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?\r\n(Screaming) \"I said: I'm drunk!\"\r\n\r\n44. How did the blonde die ice fishing?\r\nShe was run over by the Zamboni machine.\r\n\r\n45. What's a brunette's mating call?\r\nHas that blonde gone yet?\r\nWhen is that blonde bitch going to leave!?\r\n\"All the blondes have gone home!\"\r\n\r\n46: Why do blondes drive BMWs?\r\nBecause they can spell it.\r\n\r\n47. Why do blondes like the GST? (GST - Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)\r\nBecause they can spell it.\r\n\r\n48. What is 74 to a blonde?\r\n69 plus G.S.T.\r\n\r\n49. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?\r\nToes Go In First.\r\n\r\n50. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?\r\nTits Go In Front."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?\r\n\r\nA: An interpreter.\r\n\r\n52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?\r\n\r\nA: A mental block.\r\n\r\n53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?\r\n\r\nA1: Blow in her ear.\r\n\r\nA2: Buy her another beer.\r\n\r\n54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?\r\n\r\nA: \"Have another beer.\"\r\n\r\n55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?\r\n\r\nA: Pack their lunch and send them to work.\r\n\r\n56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?\r\n\r\nA1: Introduces herself.\r\n\r\nA2: Walks home.\r\n\r\n57. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?\r\n\r\nA: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.\r\n\r\n58. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?\r\n\r\nA: She fell out of the tree.\r\n\r\n59 Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?\r\n\r\nA: A thought.\r\n\r\n60. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?\r\n\r\nA: One.\r\n\r\n61. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?\r\n\r\nA: She didn't know what ONE came first...\r\n\r\n62 Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?\r\n\r\nA: Divorced."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?\r\n\r\nAn Air-Bag"}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man walks into a bar and has a drink.\r\nThen he hears a tiny voice say, \"You are so handsome.\"\r\nHe looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.\r\nThen he hears a tiny voice say, \"You are so smart and kind.\"\r\nHe looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.\r\nThe bartender says, \"O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle.\r\nGod asked the first man, \"How many times have you cheated on your wife?\"\r\nThe man said, \"None. Never once.\"\r\nGod says, \"Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur.\"\r\nThen God asks the second man how many times he's cheated.\r\nThe man says, \"Only twice.\"\r\nGod says, \"That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV.\"\r\nThen God asks the third man the same question as the first two.\r\nThe third man says, \"Lord, 8 times. I am sorry.\"\r\nGod is appalled, but the man is still a good man and he lets him in with an apartment and a used station wagon.\r\nLater the second and third man see the first man crying his eyes out.\r\nThey say, \"You got the limo and a mansion; why are you crying?\"\r\nThe man says, \"Earlier today, I saw my wife on rollerblades!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven.\r\nAt the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral.\r\nThe first man says, \"I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer.\"\r\nThe second man says, \"I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives.\"\r\nThe third man says, \"I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? \r\n\r\nA: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Jon and Adam are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go. \r\n\r\nJon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly. The doctor says, \"Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?\" \r\n\r\nJon answers, \"I'd be half blind, doc.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'd be completely blind.\" The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free. \r\n\r\nOn Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the exam to Adam. He tells him what questions are going to be asked, and also the answers. Adam is called in. The doctor goes through the formalities and asks, \"What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?\" \r\n\r\nAdam, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, \"I'd be half blind.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on. \"What if I cut off both of your ears?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'd be completely blind.\" Adam answers. \r\n\r\n\"Adam, can you explain how you'd be blind?\" \r\n\r\n\"My hat would fall over my eyes.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. \r\n\r\nEveryone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, \"It could have been worse.\" Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. \r\n\r\nThey went up to him and said, \"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?\" \r\n\r\nThen Jack said, \"Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!\" \r\n\r\nThe townspeople said, \"How could that possibly be worse?\" \r\n\r\nJack replied, \"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. \r\n\r\nThe doctor asked the man, \"Do you smoke or drink?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" he replied. \"I've never done either.\" \r\n\r\n\"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?\" inquired the doctor. \r\n\r\n\"No, I've never done any of those things either.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, then,\" said the doctor, \"what do you want to live to be a hundred for?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. \"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.\" \r\n\r\nLotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. \"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!\" \r\n\r\nLotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, \"My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?\" \r\n\r\nSuddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up. Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself. \r\n\r\n\"Jacob, my son.... meet me halfway on this one. Buy a goddamn ticket!\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view. \r\n\r\nThe brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet! \r\n\r\nThe blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, \"So, you want to race, do you?\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \r\n\r\n\"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. \r\n\r\nThey began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,\" Why did you bring the food?\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \" Well in case I get hungry, I can eat it. Why did you bring water?\" \r\n\r\nThe redhead replies, \" Well in case I get thirsty, I can drink it.\" \r\n\r\nThen they both turn to the blonde and say, \" Why did you bring the car door?\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \" Well in case I get hot, I can roll down the window.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: \"Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar. \r\n\r\nIn a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: \"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a \r\npro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?\" \r\n\r\nThe blind man pauses to think, and says, \"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. \r\n\r\nOne day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. \r\n\r\nThat night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad \r\nreplied, \"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \r\n\"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.\" \r\n\r\nThe dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.\""}
{"group":"wocka","jocke":"The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!"}